Azeroth...and back again

There are no excuses for my brief hiatus on my blog.

God help me, I'm playing World of Warcraft again.

I have written about this aspect of my life before (elsewhere), and may elaborate again about this. But if it wasn't for World of Warcraft (WOW), I honestly wouldn't be here. It was here that my journey stared; I flirted with a man ingame, the first time I ever crossed that taboo barrier. Oh, I did the usual things that the game considered major goals, like raided and pvp in a guild, and I've met some amazing people in the process. But after I experienced the most sexual cerebral encounters within the game, I wanted more. Unfortunately, the game started to take more and more of my time, taking attention away from my husband, my friends and my life. I left the game, thinking that leaving it would solve my problems. Only later did I realized, that I wanted to pursue my sexual longings outside the confines of the computer.

I had no intention of going back to the game. Can you blame me? With my history, it would be like a reformed addict taking up crack again.

So, it was to great surprise that M announced one Saturday and said "Lets go to Gamestop and buy Wrath of Lich King". To be fair, one of the reasons why I was attracted to M to begin with was because he also played WOW, we both had Warlocks as our main characters, and we couldn't shut up about it. So no, he didn't put a gun to my head. I voluntarily paid for it, re-activated my account, and promptly transferred my characters to M's server.

My fear was that I was going to revert to my flirty ways, cyber with anything that had a pulse, and generally make a fool of myself. I've been playing for five months, and fortunately that fear never manifested itself. I've been focusing on leveling my main characters to 80 and getting ready to raid, that sex hasn't been an issue for me. The only significant sexual encounter that I've experienced, was me typing a concise description of giving him fellatio, while he masturbated on the other end. (And doubt that will be an isolated incident. I plan to take him in a secluded spot on Darnassas one day, and have my way with him.)

Oh that's not to say the temptation is gone. There are a lot more erotic role playing now more than ever in the game. In fact, as I started a baby Warlock on the alliance side, trying to ignore the overt sexual innuendo around Goldshire was a frustrating experience.

So my journey has reached a full circle. For the most part, I'm enjoying WOW again, so much so as to pre-order the next expansion. I have M who plays with me, and we enable each other. And, I'm not the same person who played this game two years ago.

That's my reasons for not writing. It's not particularly a good one. And to make it up, I do plan to write more about M and I sexual exploits (I have more material now :) )

As soon as I get my druid to 80, I promise.

Possession

I can't decide whether to blame the non-summer weather here where I live, my hormones, or a myriad of excuses I can come up with. But I'm a bit depressed.

Lately, my insecurities have taken a hold of me, making me think that I'm not worthy of M's love and attention. That he will find out how I'm not terribly smart, or experienced. That I'm a not as interesting as I claim to be. Poor wonderful M, whose body I crave at night, whose presence sooth my restless mind, he comforts me by just thinking about him. Yet in this short paragraph, I have reduced our relationship to a superficial level just to cure my doubts. It's embarrassing to come to this irrational and egotistical action. But I'm human, and can be plagued with envy and fear.

People talk of "belonging" to each other as if that's what happens when you're in a relationship. That somehow, that this togetherness is a goal, something that you possess, like a house or a job. But the truth is, people are not objects to hold up and display for public consumption. I've always felt extremely uncomfortable when I or someone use this term, even when used jokingly.

Because I've seen this notion of "belonging" to its bitter conclusion...I've been in a relationship where that sense of belonging was a strong, steadfast rule. "I" was his, therefore he can manipulate me to whatever his wishes and desires dictated. "I" was not a woman, but a doll to bring out to friends and family, then discarded me when he didn't need me, with the stipulation that I'd be conveniently close for his perusal. Then, instilling fear into my psyche that no one else will love me, because this "belonging" is the best I'll ever have. If you think I'm talking about an abusive relationship, where the relationship itself was about power over another human being, I am.

To be clear, I am not talking about my ex-husband, although he had his own issues with possession. His own fragility manifested itself with less malice, but he always seemed to draw from that well. He was always verbalizing that I was not worthy for him. But after years of this, it seemed apparent that the only way to boost his ego was to be the underdog, to be the victim. Its hard to love someone, when you've been deigned as a goddess on a pedestal.

Yet here I am, dealing with my own green monsters.

I know that I have to deal with my insecurities...that I must deal with them alone. To conquer my insecurities is to deal with my fears and be honest with myself. To love with awareness, with kindness and an open heart. To love myself and the world, so that in turn I can love M for the man he is. I want to be with him to explore this moment of time.

Pro-Life?

What is the world coming to, that someone needs to gun down a doctor that performed late-term abortions in fucking church!!! Does the perpetrator really think that this will win the war on abortion? That because he was "killing babies", that he was fair game.

Murdering Dr. Tiller is an atrocious, cruel, a deliberate act of pure evil. And if you claim to be Pro-Life, and think this is justified, you need to hang up that moniker RIGHT NOW!

What happened to those Pro-Life advocates who not only opposed of abortions, but also opposed the death penalty, and opposed war? Or did you pro-life idiots decided that they were not "pure" enough for your ideology?

Already, I see pro-life groups condemning the act and saying that they don't encourage this behavior. But you know....fuck you! I remember in high school, and a man and his son had a sign of an aborted fetus greet us students as we stepped out of the bus, handing out fliers, and espousing your message of murder. Even at my tender age, I know that what you were doing was inappropriate. Since then, I've seen reports of bombings, harassment of medical staff, closing of clinics (that not only provided abortions but dispense family planning help), and unfortunately, killing of doctors. I have seen your groups change perceptions about abortion, from one of a medical decision between adults to a political football used to gain power. All the while, dismantling meaningful women/family services.

No...I have no sympathy for a lot of you pro-lifers. For all I see coming from you is message of hate and shame, rarely from compassion. You have planted the seeds of hatred, you bare fruit for its consequences.

Why having a warning page on my blog is stupid

As of today, I decided to take the "warning" page off my blog.

In hindsight, I only put it there to make sure that some kids parent's don't accuse me of corrupting their squire's mind. Seriously, as if anyone that young would read this. Besides there's no naked pictures on this blog to titillate anyone, unless someone has a problem with me exposing my calves.

My "sex" posts make up, what...like 10% of my blog, if that.

I made a conscious decision that this blog was about my experiences with becoming a single woman, and sex was going to be part of what I was going to write about. But my life doesn't revolve around my sex life, even though sex is the reason why I'm here. The world is a bowl of cherries, sweet with alot of pits. And I don't want to be limited to what I want to discuss here.

So there!

Oral Sex

Finally a sex post. LOL.

What can I say, it helps to be getting some so that I can write about it. And well...I only get to see my man on the weekends.

I mentioned a few posts back how much I enjoy fellatio. Actually, "enjoy" is too mild of a term. I love giving head and sometimes crave it. I would be remiss as a lover to not pleasure him in this way.

I'm surprised that I enjoy it despite the fact the first person whom I gave head to was extremely opinionated and made such a horrible experience of it. Thank god I got passed that. I'm truly lucky that past and present lovers seems to enjoy what I have to offer.

Trying to pinpoint a single reason why I enjoy giving head so much was difficult, but in the end I love it because its so tactile. I find it so utterly fascinating that my tongue and my mouth (rather of my hands, although I do use my hands) are used to explore every fleshy inch of a man's penis. How the head of a penis invites my tongue to trace its shape, from the mushroom crown to the lip of the "cap" to the tip as I suck his pre-cum. Then slowly explore the width and length of his shaft, licking its smooth surface, kissing it, biting it as I travel south to his soft base. And it is here where I let my tongue get lost in his loose flesh, sucking at his balls, until I'm satisfied and start traveling northwards.

As much as I enjoy just licking it, I love having a hard cock in my mouth. Feeling the tip of his cock pounding the back of my throat, the roof of my jaw, as my tongue licks the underside of his shaft and the the tip, sucking it, letting his juices flow down.

And I can do this for hours, alternating from licking it outside my mouth, then forcefully taking him all in my mouth. His thrusts of his pelvis towards me, his moans of pleasure is all the encouragement I need.

Its always a challenge to see how deep I can get a cock into my mouth, but I'm not a porn star. I can't just magically swallow the full length of a man's penis in my throat. I'm a small woman, and I'm rather fond of breathing. But that doesn't stop me from trying. And when I get a cock as deep as I can get it, I like to stay there for a second, to savor his shape his taste.

Today was a good day for me. As I perform this act for M, I managed to get 2/3 of his hard cock in my mouth, and down my throat, without gagging too much. I saw M's blue eyes widen, drawing his pelvis closer to my mouth, and moaned my name - clearly he was enjoying this as much as I was.

Yes, giving head is such a huge turn on for me.

Truth to be told, I like to swallow. I find the act of swallowing his cum to be the epitome of intimacy and a source of pride for me. I give so much when I give oral, that I want his cock in my mouth to the end, if he so inclines.

It was hard to type for me because there's an air of sluttishness to that admission. But honestly, I hate facials. Actually, alot of women hate facials. Don't even get me started how some men just assume that a blow job ends with a facial.

Opps, almost spoiled this post with a bitch session.

Nevertheless, I love to give head, to take the time to explore my lover orally, to see him enjoy it.

The Post for the Lazy...List one.

I'm too exhausted to write anything sexy or interesting lately. But on the same token, my RSS feeds have given me some wonderful reading material.

So, until I come up with something original, here's my faves. Yes, there will be a quiz :D.

The Post for the lazy list:

Craigslist Makes World's Oldest Profession Safer

The Gals at Jezebel have words with Linda Hirshman

and finally....

Hugo's take on Hugh Hefner, the Pope, and why some men never grow up.

Enjoy!

Things learned

I wanted to take a moment away from writing about my sexual trysts with M, because this inspired me so much.

It all started with boingboing, linking it from here , to kottke.org (Remind me to spend some time there!), until I found the original source.

There's no doubt that Point #3 is best of them all. In order to grow, you have to avoid toxic people. But recognizing toxic people takes time, takes patience, and an awareness that often leaves us questioning ourselves. Even if you are no longer in the company of toxic people, it may take years for the realization that...maybe...they were bad for you. I love how how Mr. Glaser doesn't trot out a list of character traits that describe toxic people, it is up to you to understand who they are.

But lest not forget the other points on his list, I love point 8 (Doubt is better than certainty), point 9 (his take on aging) and 5 (less is not necessary more). As a matter of fact I'm stealing his quote for me "Just enough is more".

Who knows how many times Milton Glaser's things learned has been linked today because of its placement in boingboing since this morning!

But sharing is caring folks :D

Synergy

Its late Saturday/early Sunday. I spoke to M about 3 hours ago, and kissed him goodbye 7 hours prior to that. My body still feels is hands around me, his cock inside me. I am literally falling asleep, tempted to put the computer away; however I want to write about our last coupling, before it recedes to memory.

Yet, it was just our "normal" sex.

The thing is, is that M is unique to the other lovers I've had. It's not because he seems to be the only man who matches my stamina level, or that he can make me cum in waves and waves of mind-blowing orgasms [and please, I'm not complaining in the least]. But it took me months to figure out what was so different. Until one evening when I was on top of him, riding his cock as I felt a gush of my juices exit out of my pussy, another ripple of pleasure travels through my body. I gripped his body as my orgasm starts its descent, I yell out, "I've never had such a responsive lover."

It was so spontaneous, so concise, it was hard to tell if that revelation came from my post-coital body or my brain having a "Eureka" moment. But it was true and frankly, its the only descriptive that encapsulate him.

He fucks me as an engaged partner, observing my body for every sensation, toying with his cock inside me, and reacting to my pussy as I pull and squeeze his cock into submission. Although most of our sex play is extremely mundane on the face of it, his responsiveness transforms the normal sex into memorable sex, with me always wanting more.

Like this afternoon, I wanted him to fuck me earlier, missionary style since I usually tend to be the one on top. We both stayed in the living me room, with me laid out on the couch, my thighs spread wide, and one of my legs on his shoulder. He pounds his hard throbbing cock, repeatedly on one of my g spots, in constant rhythm, until I start feeling my pussy tightening around him. He changes the rhythm, knowing that fucking me faster at this point will make me cum hard. He knows this, he hears me scream louder, he feels my pussy pulsating until I can no longer hold on. And I lose myself, as I cum loudly, my juices drenching his cock, my pussy. We don't stop after that, he makes me cum again and again, with my legs up to my shoulder, my legs on his shoulder, changing positions. He tells me to cum for him at the precise moment when my body is about to give in. He holds me while I cum and watches me as the sensations ascent and descent, taking mental notes of what has transpired.

Sex with M inspires me to no end because I am not afraid to let go with him. And it made me realized that I only knew so little of what my body was capable of. It's not like my other lovers just laid there until they came, but for reasons known or unknown, I always felt either some resistance, or an unwillingness to share or fear. Yes, fear...in sex!

Is it any wonder why I fell for him? Why after all this time I still long for his body, still feel like there is still more to explore, then re-explore?

The State This Blog is In

I initially started two hefty posts last night, only to be left on the wayside because of frustration. One of the posts was regarding a mid-morning tryst with M, in its explicit detail of our many wanton couplings that make wonderful daydream material for me, and erotic fodder for everyone else. The other posts was about other blogs (on blogger) I found within a span of an hour, whom share the same space as I about relationships, sex, and divorce/marriage. It was to be a springboard about my thoughts about marriage and sex, however, I couldn't keep up with the energy required for me to write such a weighty topic (which BTW, I can't seem to do lately).

The only reason why I'm writing this post at all is because I feel the need to write, and my (becoming older) body is conspiring against me. Incidentally, I wish I can tell you that my aching body is due to acrobatic mind-blowing sex, but its not. [I'm learning to juggle, and dropping balls and picking them up in constant motion can wreck your thighs...who knew!?!]

So its become apparently to me that as much as I want to write about sex in both the carnal and cerebral sense, I'm running into a (creative) wall. One big factor is motivation. I no longer feel the need to display my life in great detail on the internet. My old self not only brazenly displayed her naked self for the purpose of generating desire from anonymous men, but I also revealed my details of my illicit love affair, as well as bare my inner most thoughts. My current self, however, not so much.

On the other hand, I do want to describe the sensations M and I generate when we are in the throes of passion, in full glorious detail. I realize that public displays of gloating in real life would only invite ridicule and scorn, even in such a sex-positive neck of the woods where I live in. Honestly, what is a "socially" acceptable way to gloat but write anonymously on a blog. But the written word has betrayed me. The usual metaphors I've used in the past rings hollow to me now. It only captures a small percentage of what really transpires between us. For me, to say the M and I have incredible sex is such a gross understatement. Those blissful moments with him make me extremely happy. So much so that I want to shout out to the world, to declare that I have a man who knows how to make me cum over and over again, to satiate me completely with his hard cock.

So what's the point of writing a freakin blog, if I can't either bitch about my life or tell everyone about how amazing my boyfriend is...right? [/sarcasm]

Seriously, I am questioning what direction I want to take this blog. I do know I don't want to make this blog into a "tell all" about my relationship with M. But he is part of my journey into finding myself so how could I leave him out of my blog entirely. Yet I want to tackle topics in a global sense. Can a happy medium exist in this blog to do both?

Forgive me if I am indulging my own vanities as I deconstruct my own motives of why I write here. I think I write here as a creative outlet, as a way to make sense of what is my life, to declare my feelings in real time, to connect with others. I don't have many readers (I only know of one person), but I write in the hopes that someone else can relate to my experiences.

It is an exercise in narcissism, I don't deny this. And the cynical will probably say that the proliferation of such blogs [and social networking sites as well] is an indication that people are selfish bastards who want attention because we cannot connect with real people in the flesh.

It's like life, a blog is what you want to make of it. I'm really hoping I can be more coherent in my future posts. I just wanted to acknowledge my ambivalence, own it, deal with it.

Infidelity with some perspective

I would love to address that last post, but the moment is gone (for the time being). What I really want to do is address a different topic, and I promise its about sex again :)

I've had some conflicting thoughts in my head about my bouts of infidelity. Namely, how horrible my ex-lover treated me in the end. No. Let me be clear, he didn't treat me badly as much as it was going to its bitter conclusion. Because on hindsight, I knew what I was getting into, yet believed it was going to be something else.

Let me preface what I'm saying with what I was thinking today. As usual, at work, I was engaging in something extremely mundane, data entry into a spreadsheet again. Instead of the usual happy thoughts of M and I, I ended up thinking about how I regretted my bouts of infidelity and the choices I made. How I let myself feel all giddy and "in love" I was, when all along, it was just a game. I felt like a fool, or more importantly a tool to my desires.

I came home into my warm apartment, slipped into a slip of fabric with elastic straps holding the whole thing up on my shoulders, feeling rather horny. Once again, I find myself looking at Fleshbot. Instead of porn I found this.

Aw! Now my brain remembers why I had a lover for six months, despite risking exposure and humiliation.

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For some reason or another, or is it a matter of statistics, the ex and I found ourselves surrounded by friends touched by infidelity. Even the ex himself had his own encounter, sleeping with a married woman a year prior to meeting me. The outcome of his affair didn't come out well. The cuckold husband tried to seek him out, only to physically hurt the wrong man. The ex took it as a sign to find someone to settle with permanently. We knew of many couples split due to infidelity, only to be the most judgmental proponent of fidelity in marriage.

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Fast forward several years, and here I am dealing with the aftermath of my own affair. As part of the process, I made this blog. But as much as I regret having an extramarital affair, I have to accept that much of it was extremely alluring. Well, for one thing, I don't know anyone who wouldn't find such clandestine encounters with a lover to be extremely erotic. The sex was very good because it was rushed, and focused and not what we were getting at home. I felt like a viably sexy woman, having a man want me for my body, for all the things I did to him. Like the lovers in that blog, we both felt exhilarated and special, despite the risks we took, despite how it ended.

I know the last time I spoke about my infidelity I was in a vulnerable place, still placing the pieces of my life together and reconciling the hurt and anger. Honestly, I'm not sure if enough time and space has transpired to speak about this in a rational way. But, to deny that...yes...I found some pleasure in it would be lying.

Despite how some people like to treat it as if only horrible people ever engaged in this behavior, a lot of people have had bouts of infidelity. Whether some people use it as a stop gap measure to get the needs they don't otherwise get in their marriage (like my lover) or a sign that perhaps it was time for me to go (like me perhaps), people will seek out a way to fulfill their needs sexually. I am not advocating that having an extramarital affair is the best thing out there since sliced bread, but it happens more than you think, and there's nothing you can do to stop people who are seeking it.

I wish the couple in that blog well. I remember having to find happiness in small increments, giving into my lust in strange hotel rooms, speaking to my lover in hushed tones. But that was then.

So much for my serious discussion about gender orientation...all it did was make me horny!

I know...I seem to write in bursts. And I haven't written about sex in awhile.

My latest "project" at work, data-entry into spreadsheets, tend to have my brain to daydream about...well, frankly, about sex. This morning was no exception. Usually my object of "desire" is M, and the many naughty things we do realized or otherwise. But I do get cerebral in my thoughts about sex. And today, I thought, "Well, could I sleep with a woman?"

Its not that I am unsure of my sexual orientation. I've described my orientation to people, often coyly, as a flaming heterosexual. In deed, I am attracted to men. To me, I love the smell of a man, how his hands touches me, the feel of his penis in and out of me. Yes, I love how penises come in different sizes and thicknesses. I love exploring the texture of them with my tongue, having it grow in my mouth as I suck them...mmm. Did I mention how much I love fellatio? Oh my god, I could do that for hours. I just love how a penis can be both hard and soft when I'm licking and sucking it.

Oh, and lets not forget how good it feels to have a hard cock inside me. Ok, I'm a bit biased because I'm having amazing sex with M, and his penis seems to fill me an all directions that if I was a better writer I'd describe in full-detail...because I so want to gloat how fucking amazing it feels.

Sorry...I got really distracted. :) Where was I? Oh right...fucking women!

Its not a conundrum, but here's the thing, I like my porn with women in it. I know that I can't be the only straight woman who like watching girl on girl action on film, but to tell you the truth, the thought of sleeping with a woman in real life yields a response close to "eh". When it appeared that I had a really good chance to sleep with a woman (um....going to college in the San Francisco area, and knowing women that did go through a lesbian phase literally in their Freshman year), my interest level never piqued past curiosity. But, ever since I gave permission to like porn for myself (ironically my sophmore year in college more or less) I've always seeked out the girl on girl action for my, ahem, carnel edification. Now, I do like straight sex porn from time to time. I like looking at blowjobs (Yes it seems to be a running theme for me :D) and hardcore fucking scenes. But I was going through Fleshbot last night, and I was totally turned on by this.

But I really haven't answered my question. Would I?

Seriously, maybe probably not. No, this is not a cop out answer. Look, if there was a situation that I met a woman whom I was attracted to, and we were both curious, and the all the planets were aligned...then maybe. I figured out a long time ago that I was not bi-sexual, and being labeled bi-curious just didn't fit. Not to mention I hate that label...who hasn't been bi-curious at some point in their life?

Blah...this post was meant to be a serious discussion about gender orientation, and why people shouldn't care about because its stupid. Damn it, makes me want to go through my porn collection if I can find that one video of......

Social Butterfly, I?

Not to long ago, if someone mentioned that I should join MySpace, or Facebook or any other myriad of other social networking sites I would have mocked them...and taunt them even. My impression, and it still seems like this, is that of being in a high school clique. Soon memories of a socially ackward teenager emerged from hiding to haunt me. Sorry folks, anytime my dorky self at 15 comes out, its usual time to cop an attitude and leave in a melodramatic huff.

But like any social phenomena that starts on the web, I would become a victim to peer pressure. At first I started slowly with LinkIn. After all, I had just came out of a horrible bout of finding employment, and networking is key to getting a job nowadays. Soon, I linked to all the people I worked at in my lost job and started to reconnect with them there.

Then Twitter came into my life, and I found myself randomly scribing silly thoughts. The format of twitter fit my short-attention span that is my creativity, and I can "twit" from anywhere using my cell phone. I love Twitter. It challenged me as a writer to write my thoughts and hopes in 145 characters or less. And it proved to be a savior at work, where days lately have been filled with mindless tasks in front of the computer, with little human contact because work flowing into the office has trickled to a droplet. I slowly acquired some followers and followees, never in the realm of internet success, but enough for me, who in real life is extremely shy.

I became a regular on Facebook, due to happenstance. My nephew turned one, and when I saw him last, I had a conversation with his mother. She, like me, wasn't a fan of social networking sites, but it was a good way to post pictures of the baby. Since I don't get to see him very much, I very much wanted to see him grow up, if from a distance. Then M posted pictures of a ride he took from his motorcycle.

Soon, I became connected to my family and people whom I grew up with. And it dawned on me, this is why social networking sites thrive. Ok, yes for those whose social graces are more like social wallflowers than butterflies, this is a wonderful way to meet people and feel that you are not so lonely in a cold world. But for me, it was re-connecting with the people with the past, whose lives are all over country, yet close enough with a click of link. I was connecting with friends from the East Coast, my brother in the Kansas, and my cousins in the California.

Perhaps, at my time of my life, I'm starting to open up to people again from my self imposed exhile. But, its wonderful to see those whom you've havent heard from in years.

What I really wanted to write about before I went on a "woe is me" rant

Yesterday was a very good day for me. M and I decided to hang out at a park and throw the frisbee. After a good round of that, we laid on the grass, feeling the mid-day breeze flow through us. Watching copious butterflies fly above us, while the blooming trees around us shower us with their petals, reminding us that its spring. Kissing and holding each other out of love, enjoying the simplicity of the day. We both were struck how romantic this was. We even commented once again that evening on our daily phone chats.

Its one of those moments, if I was so inclined, that I just wanted to tell strangers how deliriously happy I am.

Incomplete Circle

In my past life I used to post naked pictures of myself on the interwebs...anonymously of course. I would flirt with men mostly online, at first through World of Warcraft, then through the comments of my naked pictures. Some did make it offline, although most of the men I did flirt with became friends of mine and/or were doing it in the name of fun. I have admitted, on this blog and elsewhere, that I am a highly sexual person and that I consider my sexuality a big part of my life.

Now that I'm in a relationship I no longer feel the need to post those pictures, nor flirt with anonymous men online. One would argue that since I'm getting all that and more in my relationship, I no longer need to seek it. But I do bust out with the camera when I am in the mood. And I, along with alot of men and women, do want to "get off" and seek instant gratification (i.e. PORN) online. Lately, my exhibitionist tendency has waned.

Yet, I'm still grapling with the "why" I did what I did.

When I was going through couples therapy with my ex-husband, there were a few theories flying around to explain my "behavior". One of which was that since we couldn't concieve a baby, I was seeking ways to "reclaim" my womanhood. The other? That I was in an abusive relationship years ago, where he took advantage of me being so sexually curious and young, and that I hadn't dealt with those issues. I'm not saying that therapy itself was bullshit, but honestly, all of this just made me feel like it was all me and that I was seriously "fucked up". Never mind, that maybe my ex-husband wasn't satisfying me sexually or that we didn't necessarily share similar goals for our marriage.

Nonetheless, it still rattles me that I'm constantly having to justify, even to myself, that being a highly sexual person is OK. That its not deviant or strange to want these things, to have it in my relationship. And even as I write this (and what limited my audience is to my blog) I'm having to say that "see I'm not always an exhibitionist" just to normalize who I am.

Is it too much to ask to want these things? Just be happy with my own skin? Does the feeling to justify your life ever go away?