It's almost year end, and its been three months since my last post. Those three months might have been three years, with everything we have done since then. There was Folsom, being more social in the community, making new friends, finding then loosing a play partner, and then opening up our relationship.
Oh yes, M and I have decided to transition our non-monogamous relationship, into a polyamorous one. As I have written elsewhere, this decision is the inevitable conclusion to what was started earlier this year. We also talked and wrote extensively about our feelings before and after this decision, dealt with the aftermath, and still concluded that becoming poly is the right thing to do. We set our preliminary rules and limits, and posted profiles on OKCupid. So far, I've been on a few dates, with nothing in the horizon for me, while M has a potential playmate.
The presence of this new woman in his life hasn't triggered horrible jealousy within me, and I'm generally excited for M. However, I am very cautious about all of this. The last thing I want to do is to delude myself that I am in the clear, only to have my fears and insecurities rear itself when I least expect it. So far, my emotions have been in check. No, its not that I haven't felt jealousy (actually its more envy than jealousy) rather, I've been able to process this rationally.
What I wasn't prepared for was the uncertainty, the ambiguity of what I wanted from all of this. My body misses another lover to ravage me. My heart and brain, however, wants safety, security and trust. This is creating a rather strange dynamic within me, a hurry up and wait response, that I find extremely annoying. I must admit I'm having a tough time telling which side is winning. At the same time, I'm suspecting my expectations might still be high, and that I really need to step away for a moment and get some perspective. Another issue I am encountering is that I don't know if I want another submissive, or a vanilla lover. Hell, I complicated things even more for me by entertaining the notion of having a relationship with a top. To make matters worst, I'm finding that not only are poly relationships drama-filled, but there seems to be "fall in love, then think about it later" attitude to poly dating that I find totally disturbing.
Sigh....
Because of all of this ambiguity, I think the universe is teaching me patience. It's not pushing me one way or the other, it wants me to be internally focused for now. My past self would have said, "Fuck you Universe. I want cock" and pushed my will into something I am totally not prepared to handle. However, I'm more inclined to listen to it now than...oh...say...four years ago. The universe was right about being patient with M. The universe was right about waiting to heal before I was ready to make friends. I think the universe is correct here as well.
Or Santa might give me another man for Christmas? Hahaha probably not.
