Funny thing about epiphanies, things don't really change that much after having one. What they do is, hopefully, make light of a path of thinking that you were not aware of, or blocked somehow. It may be positive or negative, but its the universe way of telling you "Yo, dumbshit..this way!"
It's taking me a few weeks to process this for me what it meant to be really kinky. Part of that process was learning what the hell kinky meant. With M's assistance, I went to a beginner's class about the BDSM lifestyle. I'm not going to go bore you with the details, but I got familiar with the terms, the philosophy, what consent really meant, and the ins and outs of a dungeon. Suffice it to say, it was good. I know that I'm a Submissive Masochist. However, I hate the labels. But I will address that in another time.
Let me go back. M flogged me for the first time the weekend prior to taking that class. And I found it...exhilarating, sensual, extremely sexy, and very intimate. I discovered how much I loved being submissive, how much I needed to lose control to my body.
M had suspected that I had this streak in me. He knew this about me before I could accept this. But I couldn't see it.
Or I didn't know. Or I knew, but it didn't have a name. I had a really meaningful talk to M about this a few weeks ago. Here was what came out of it...I purposely dated strong men (either passively or overtly domineering men) who liked the submissive qualities of me. But the moment they exerted more control than what I was willing to afford them, I withdrew and try to exert some control of my own. To be fair, they didn't know I needed this. Hell, I didn't know I was such a control freak. Now you can see how confusing this can be. I don't think I was lying to them. I just thought they were threatened to my boundless libido. It was more to that.
Believe me, my own ego is to blame in this as well. You say the term submissive and you see someone who is a doormat, with no will of her own. You see, maybe women in abusive relationships, men controlling women completely. Who wants to be perceived to weak? I don't.
This revelation has been a whole paradigm shift for me, but the learning process is far from complete. And there's still some fear and confusion that I need to deal with.
Lastly, I need to thank M, for without him I wouldn't have realized this. It was his love and compassion and trust that led me here. I couldn't ask for a better companion to be with me for the rest of my journey.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Testing Limits
It was the tail end of the first weekend of March. We both signed a simple declaration in my Journal to commemorate that period of time. "On this day, 6th of March, 2010, M and I had too much sex", It stated. We both laughed, feeling defeated mentally and physically.
We were exhausted from lack of sleep, our bodies sore from the contortionist positions and tight spaces we got ourselves into. Our wills spent after a week of a heightened sexual awareness bordering on obsession, while letting our libidos dictate our waking moments. We didn't set out to test the limits of our desires could yield, but the moment I walked into his apartment on Friday night, we wanted each other badly and we were going to fuck each other senseless.
My motives to write this post is partly titillation, partly cautionary tale. I will admit readily, that I instigated this. But whatever I did only sparked M's imagination into those dark erotic places that I find extremely compelling. And perhaps, this is what happens when you ask the universe what you want, and subsequently get it.
It all started with us fucking in front of a camera the weekend before. Although we had filmed each other in the act of coitus before, it had been about 15 months since we had done it last. I placed a web cam on top of a tripod at the foot of my bed, connected it to my computer and went about to our marry way. Afterwords, we laid there, in post-coital bliss, watching the video. And it was good. Good as in Hot. Hot as in, I watched the video in its entirety about 3 times that weekend getting off.
M suggested that we post snippets of the video online. The thought of strangers watching his dick buried deep in my pussy intrigued him. I suggested I put it on Xtube. So on Monday, after we got into some heavy flirting online, I posted the 3 edited parts of the video on Xtube. It took about a day before it was finally viewable, but once up we got lots of views and some comments.
For the next few nights, it lead to suggestive text messages, more online flirting, and phone sex. I told him about a recurring fantasy I've been masturbating to, fucking him and another man I knew at the same time. M, in turned, spinned tales about us fucking in a viewing room at a porn store that happened to have glory-holes. On Thursday, he suggested we go to the drive-in movies on Friday and fuck in the backseat of his car. The tales of what we would do back ended up with both of us masturbating over the phone, cumming hard.
Then Friday night came along, and all hell broke lose.
Once at his apartment, I changed into my sexy little outfit: A short red skirt, white button short-sleeved shirt, white thigh-highs, white heels, and a black cardigan. No underwear, I wanted to make sure everything was accessible. I paraded my sexy outfit to get his approval.
M liked it. He gave me a passionate, long kiss, and pushing my skirt up so that he can expose my bare ass. He led me to his office chair, and told me sit down on it. He got between my legs and pushed them apart so that he can get between them. I opened my shirt so he can suckle my breasts, but he placed his tongue on my clit, licking and sucking it. Yes I was very much wet just prior to that, so with him eating me and his nubile fingers exploring my wet pussy, I easily came twice. He came up from between my legs and kissed me, tasting my essence on his tongue. "That's enough for now" he said.
We left his apartment, with me hungering for more. Trust me, I was thoroughly convinced drive-in movie theaters didn't exist anymore; but after about 30 minutes of driving, we pulled up to the ticket booth. He parked at the back of the area, making sure weren't near anyone. After finding the station to listen to, eating our burgers, and getting situated, we finally got to the back seat for some heaving petting.
His fingers found his way up my skirt and into my wet mound. I of course, took a hold of his hard cock and stroked it. I pulled his sweatpants down, just enough so that his hard cock was free of its cloth confines and I immediately wrapped my mouth around it, taking every inch of it into my mouth. I wanted to suck his hard cock so badly, that I didn't care if anyone noticed what I was doing. He moaned, as I licked, sucked, deep-throated his cock. His fingers was now deep in my pulsating pussy. I came fast twice more. When I stood up and sat on his lap, the windows were fogged in completely. Trying to devise a plan to fuck me without attracting attention was almost comical and M's fear was that I would be too loud. But somehow, he managed to place his hard cock inside me while I was sitting on his lap. We rocked back and forth, the feeling of his hard cock hitting my g-spots over and over again was amazing.
After the movie, we once again had sex. This time it was sleepy, half-awake sex, forcing our exhausted bodies to comply with our wills.
The next day, M collared me, leashed me with rope. As he pulled on the leash, he assaulted my ass, spanking me until I submitted to his will, through the pain. And just when I couldn't make through the pain, a rush of endorphins took me to heights of ecstasy. He wrapped the rope around my chest (it was still attached to my collar) restraining me. He then laid on his back as I got on top of him to fuck him. I came relentlessly as the sensation of his cock pushing inside while M pulling on the rope was too much to bare. After that session I laid there, trying to process the event. Because, I suddenly had an epiphany...I'm much more kinky than I thought I was.
We vowed to not have so many extreme sexual experiences in such a short period of time. Since then, restrained have settled back into our libidos. But I think we needed to do that. To push our relationship into a deeper level, to push my own boundaries and admit certain aspects of myself that was ready to manifest itself.
And as the next entries will attest, that weekend was the impetus of reassessing my journey.
We were exhausted from lack of sleep, our bodies sore from the contortionist positions and tight spaces we got ourselves into. Our wills spent after a week of a heightened sexual awareness bordering on obsession, while letting our libidos dictate our waking moments. We didn't set out to test the limits of our desires could yield, but the moment I walked into his apartment on Friday night, we wanted each other badly and we were going to fuck each other senseless.
My motives to write this post is partly titillation, partly cautionary tale. I will admit readily, that I instigated this. But whatever I did only sparked M's imagination into those dark erotic places that I find extremely compelling. And perhaps, this is what happens when you ask the universe what you want, and subsequently get it.
It all started with us fucking in front of a camera the weekend before. Although we had filmed each other in the act of coitus before, it had been about 15 months since we had done it last. I placed a web cam on top of a tripod at the foot of my bed, connected it to my computer and went about to our marry way. Afterwords, we laid there, in post-coital bliss, watching the video. And it was good. Good as in Hot. Hot as in, I watched the video in its entirety about 3 times that weekend getting off.
M suggested that we post snippets of the video online. The thought of strangers watching his dick buried deep in my pussy intrigued him. I suggested I put it on Xtube. So on Monday, after we got into some heavy flirting online, I posted the 3 edited parts of the video on Xtube. It took about a day before it was finally viewable, but once up we got lots of views and some comments.
For the next few nights, it lead to suggestive text messages, more online flirting, and phone sex. I told him about a recurring fantasy I've been masturbating to, fucking him and another man I knew at the same time. M, in turned, spinned tales about us fucking in a viewing room at a porn store that happened to have glory-holes. On Thursday, he suggested we go to the drive-in movies on Friday and fuck in the backseat of his car. The tales of what we would do back ended up with both of us masturbating over the phone, cumming hard.
Then Friday night came along, and all hell broke lose.
Once at his apartment, I changed into my sexy little outfit: A short red skirt, white button short-sleeved shirt, white thigh-highs, white heels, and a black cardigan. No underwear, I wanted to make sure everything was accessible. I paraded my sexy outfit to get his approval.
M liked it. He gave me a passionate, long kiss, and pushing my skirt up so that he can expose my bare ass. He led me to his office chair, and told me sit down on it. He got between my legs and pushed them apart so that he can get between them. I opened my shirt so he can suckle my breasts, but he placed his tongue on my clit, licking and sucking it. Yes I was very much wet just prior to that, so with him eating me and his nubile fingers exploring my wet pussy, I easily came twice. He came up from between my legs and kissed me, tasting my essence on his tongue. "That's enough for now" he said.
We left his apartment, with me hungering for more. Trust me, I was thoroughly convinced drive-in movie theaters didn't exist anymore; but after about 30 minutes of driving, we pulled up to the ticket booth. He parked at the back of the area, making sure weren't near anyone. After finding the station to listen to, eating our burgers, and getting situated, we finally got to the back seat for some heaving petting.
His fingers found his way up my skirt and into my wet mound. I of course, took a hold of his hard cock and stroked it. I pulled his sweatpants down, just enough so that his hard cock was free of its cloth confines and I immediately wrapped my mouth around it, taking every inch of it into my mouth. I wanted to suck his hard cock so badly, that I didn't care if anyone noticed what I was doing. He moaned, as I licked, sucked, deep-throated his cock. His fingers was now deep in my pulsating pussy. I came fast twice more. When I stood up and sat on his lap, the windows were fogged in completely. Trying to devise a plan to fuck me without attracting attention was almost comical and M's fear was that I would be too loud. But somehow, he managed to place his hard cock inside me while I was sitting on his lap. We rocked back and forth, the feeling of his hard cock hitting my g-spots over and over again was amazing.
After the movie, we once again had sex. This time it was sleepy, half-awake sex, forcing our exhausted bodies to comply with our wills.
The next day, M collared me, leashed me with rope. As he pulled on the leash, he assaulted my ass, spanking me until I submitted to his will, through the pain. And just when I couldn't make through the pain, a rush of endorphins took me to heights of ecstasy. He wrapped the rope around my chest (it was still attached to my collar) restraining me. He then laid on his back as I got on top of him to fuck him. I came relentlessly as the sensation of his cock pushing inside while M pulling on the rope was too much to bare. After that session I laid there, trying to process the event. Because, I suddenly had an epiphany...I'm much more kinky than I thought I was.
We vowed to not have so many extreme sexual experiences in such a short period of time. Since then, restrained have settled back into our libidos. But I think we needed to do that. To push our relationship into a deeper level, to push my own boundaries and admit certain aspects of myself that was ready to manifest itself.
And as the next entries will attest, that weekend was the impetus of reassessing my journey.
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