My Dark Well and a New Home

For the past 6 months, my life has been a whirlwind of uprooting and significant changes.  It started with lack of communication, expectations lost, and me spiraling into a mini-depression, until life pulled me out of my funk...in order to find another home.  I've experienced a break-up, hard-truths, and a plenty of uncertainty and transition since I wrote here.

Yet, I'm finding that writing, even in my private journals, wasn't my salvation this time around, and that I just needed to go through whatever emotion was present at the time.  It's strange, I wonder if I was trying to hold my pain at bay when I went through my last transition, and decided to put on a brave face.  This time around, I think whatever bravado I had to push through my pain, was not there for me, letting myself be paralyze with my fears and doubts.  

I've always had these periods of depression, most not so bad as others.  During college, I found myself in this dark well that I couldn't get out of, and had a fleeting moment of suicide.  Thankfully, health care as a student is easy to come by, and I seek help on my own. Most of my writings on here came from that dark place that I sometimes occupy and I've managed to avoid therapy by writing in journals and these posts. This time around, I couldn't hide in my words.  

As much as living my own truths have helped me in so many ways, there are some things that even my ego can't avoid. So I found myself in a vulnerable position to deal with my shortcomings. By the end of May, I broke up with my secondary, the munch I helped organized disintegrate because of my lack of commitment, and I found myself in that deep well looking up again, this time needing to be there.  I ended up questioning about Poly, about power, about friendships and about myself.  At the time it felt like I couldn't find the light, but I functioned enough to go to work, sleep, eat, and have a relationship with my thing.  By the end of June, I was feeling myself and I managed to crawl out of that dark well.

Thank the universe for the timing...because as soon as I can enjoy my life again, I found out that the landlord decided to sell the apartment building and that we had to vacate by September 1st.  So I spent my birthday finding a place.  Find a place I did....but it's not in Oakland, where I've lived for almost 15 years.  I could go on and on about the why, but essentially I became a victim of the Bay Area Rental madness and I ended up living up north.  I commuted to and from Oakland for work for 2 1/2 weeks in the hellish I-80 rush hour traffic, until my office relocated to Walnut Creek.  I moved residences by the beginning of August; my office moved at the end of August.  BTW...I'm way done with the moving thing! 

I can write now.  I'm settled for the most part and finished up some tasks to make my home a  home.  I love where I live, it's very quiet and nice.  I do find myself missing Oakland, the Oakland I used to know anyway. I've also become road warrior queen, putting in more miles in my car since I've bought it 8 years ago.   The drive to and from Walnut Creek isn't as bad as to and from Oakland, but  I'm still trying to adjust my schedule around it.  Despite that, I've found that you don't escape your thoughts while driving the freeways alone.  I've already written a few things on my journal, and talked at length with friends.  I'm considering using my cell phones as a recorder to capture my thoughts.

That's what's going on.  I'm looking forward to my new life here and I plan more esoteric posts soon.

Why I Identify myself as a Gamer

Sydanthra celebrating the Wintersday Holiday in GW2

For the past couple of weeks, I've been obsessed with computer parts, namely motherboards and graphics cards.  In my spare time, I would look read up on the latest gaming builds within my $750-$1000 budget. I've asked J his opinion about building a rig, set up wishlists in Amazon and NewEgg, and watched YouTube how to videos. I have a financial windfall, expecting more, and crunching the numbers on a spreadsheet, so Yes, I'm completely committed to do this.  Last Friday, I pulled the trigger and bought my peripherals (because I need them now), my case and power supply. The upgrade of my gaming computer has been a long time coming and is much needed. Unfortunately, it appears that my computer is dying, because sometimes, while I'm in the middle of playing Guild Wars 2 (GW2), my computer would crash, with something sounding like grinding metal coming from the interior of my computer.  

I'm excited like a teenager going to her first concert on the inside, but I'm finding myself reserving my enthusiasm when I talk about this to other people, aside from a few people whom I trust.  Why is that?

Out of everything in my life, I have this rush of pride and shame when it comes to this aspect of me. Like my sexuality, it's taking me years for me to be comfortable with being a gamer. I've always been geeky, an introvert, and had an appreciation of all things science fiction and fantasy.  So when it became hip to be nerdy/geeky, I embraced that label and sort of ran with it, fully knowing the past.  However gaming, mostly video gaming, is the core center of being a geek to me.  

I discovered it late in my life.  Oh, I knew about arcades and Atari's in my youth, but it was always something the guys did. Then I discovered Mario Brothers, Tetris, MUDDs, and found that I had a knack for this. I loved Diablo I and II, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, as well as the numerous platforms and puzzle games.  Then World of Warcraft came along and changed my life forever.  

I mentioned a little bit about my gaming life here, but let me add to that discussion. You see, I ended up spending all of my time on WoW, to the detriment of my marriage, then I lost control of my life. As much as I should be thankful for WoW being the instigator of what would become of my sexual journey, there is a part of me that has never recovered from that lost of control. I also reasoned that if I dated someone who understood how important this was to me, it would immune me to the shame and I can be part of something bigger. But as my relationship started to unravel with M, I realized that it's not enough to just have an understanding.  One of the very first inklings that my relationship with M wasn't working, was our incapability with each other's gaming style and not being able to reconcile a middle ground.

I game for myself now, with no expectation that my partners will game with me. I game for the enjoyment of it. It has become my sole form of entertainment, and I love the variations that games come in.  I love the social interaction when I need it, the immersive landscapes, and the mental workouts games give me. I also don't play WoW anymore, despite the hype of the new expansion. I don't have the time nor will to invest in it anymore. I want to be able to have other things in my life, such as engage in crafts, foster relationships, take my 3-mile walks, maybe take up dancing or a martial arts, and be part of the kink community. I play GW2 and Diablo III, but I'm not involved with a guild or clan that expects me to set aside my real life. I play Skyrim, and a bunch of independent games on my Steam account that has no a social component to it.  I just finished Episode 3 of Kentucky Route Zero. A video game that is part novel, part allegory, all done like a blues song if it was written by David Lynch. It's hauntingly beautiful. 

I am serious about my gaming, but it doesn't run my life anymore.

I also discovered Twitch. You will find millions of other gamers, playing for fun or profit (in tournaments). Twitch has allowed me to experience WoW without being in it and let me discover other games that I would never play but might, like FPS (First Person Shooters).  It allows me to be part of something bigger, and support gamers.  Now I am quite aware that I'm older than the demographics of the broadcaster/watchers on Twitch, and being a female on Twitch, and indeed gaming in general, can be daunting at times. Yes...women have to contend with the whole "fake geek" meme. It is getting better, still a long way to go. Baby steps misogynist gaming culture...baby steps.

Being a gamer will always be part of me. Even when I'm 90 and retired. I can picture it now, me and 19 of my retired friends raiding WoW, in the mid-afternoon of course. We wouldn't want to miss out on the early bird Prime Rib special starting at 4pm. I'm sure someone will come out with an interface that will directly hook up to our brains.

The Post New Year Post

A short update before I go onto other things in my life.

1) Work still sucks, but at least they recognize that I've been doing the job of 5 people instead of doing the job of 3 people which is the norm at this place.  So now they expect me to revamp a process, and make sure that everyone agrees to it.  If I was more courageous, I would have indicated that I will only comply if there's a financial incentive for it.  I didn't because of item No 2.

2) I'm actively looking for a new job.  I had an auspicious start, landing 3 interviews.  However, I came to realize why I never liked job searches to begin with.  Job interviews seems to be like vanilla dating, whereas you are spending the time playing 20 questions about what the employer is looking for, while trying  not to sound condescending or angry, with a statistical probability of nil that you will be asking the right questions.  It's alright!  I'm actually applying what I've learned to re-vamp my job search and possibly look into some educational endeavours that I could pursue in case the job search yields me nothing. 

3) Aside from my job, everything in my life is awesome!  A and J are fine.  I have wonderful set of friends and my financial austerity period has come to an end.  

2014 ended with a line drawn on the sand at work, spending Christmas with J and mom (not together), getting sick, spending New Year's Eve celebrating a hand fasting, and having Dinner and a Movie hosted by my roommate.  2015 is looking good, despite all of the work stuff.  Hey, at least I'm working on changing that.