I meant to write this earlier...aw fuck it...I really need to get a new excuse.
So, the last time I wrote about my kink, I think I convinced myself that I was a Submissive Masochist. I know now that I was too hasty in putting a label to what I do with my kink. There seemed to be this unspoken rule in the kink community that you must have a label for the role you are playing to better navigate this world. The truth of it is, these labels are not so cut and dry as people would suggest. For one thing, what one set of people would define Dominant/submissive one way, a couple who actually live the dynamic would define it another way due to the nature of the boundaries set within that particular relationship.
After spending some time on Fetlife, going to some events, getting flogged more, and doing some soul searching, I've come away with the fact that I am not a Submissive. Ok...yes I do have some subby traits, and for the most part, I give my body, heart and soul to M unequivocally. But, I am no more willing to give entire control to M, as much as he doesn't wants the responsibility to take that control for his own uses. We just don't have that dynamic, and for reasons of my own (which needs a separate post on), I am not interest in pursing that. Instead he is a switch, and so am I (provided that I get a little bit more experience with my "top" energies).
Now the masochist part of me has been progressing well and I can now report that I am officially a pain slut :D.
It all began when we both went to Folsom Faire a week ago. This was the first time I went, as a participant rather than a spectator. And I was rather proud of myself, I went to Folsom with a corset on. Although we came to celebrate me coming out of the kink closet, we came with one clear purpose in mind...to buy more toys. For M, he was looking for a high end flogger. For me, I had my eye on something stingy. After going around the faire once and stopped to get a bite to eat, we finally made our way to a vendor. As much as I really wanted a cane, and told M that I would buy one, I ended up with a riding crop. Namely because I still don't know my own pain tolerance, and yes I'm a chicken. It took M some time to find the right flogger, but the one he bought was beautiful. The flogger part is deerhide, with a medium wood finish handle. It was so lush and heavy that I found myself petting it on the way home.
Despite being 85 degrees outside and having to deal with hordes of people going into the faire, we were both horny and curious about our new purchases (So horny, in fact, we couldn't wait to go to my apartment to fuck. Instead we fucked in my car, parked in my garage. I straddled him in the back seat, with my ass facing him. It took a feat of strength not to scream out my orgasms.) We finally made it upstairs, undressed and relaxed/cuddled on my bed.
We half-halfheartedly started to play with the riding crop on my inner thigh, just hitting it with the leather end with fast light strokes. It turned red and stung a bit, but I wasn't prepared the lingering effects of the stinging when that area would meet the air of the fan or a touch of M's hand. I started to giggle, then laugh uncontrollably. I was getting so turned on I thought I was going to cum again. (I think I did.) M was also turned on by this, and finally came up to stand over to use the new flogger.
Unlike the older flogger, this new one was both caressing like a lover, and hurt like a paddle. The sensations with this flogger was both thuddy and stingy (though not as stingy as the old flogger). While the riding crop is just stingy and its effects more immediate, the flogger took time to build up, with a wonderful array of sensations that kept me guessing. And just when I was getting used to the flogger, he used the leather part of the crop on my back, and the cane part of the crop on my ass.
During the scene, I was trying to process, if I could take any more thuddiness from the flogger or the general pain of the crop, while all the while I can feel wetness between my thighs. I was in subspace as I had never experienced before. And just when I thought I could sustain this particular wave, M slaps the crop hard on my ass. He stops, letting the sting of the crop assert itself. He bends down on my back, bites my shoulder and my ass and tells me how hot and sexy I am while I pant in ecstasy.
I must say that afterwards was a bit of a blur, but I do remember telling me to lay there and to not look behind. He leaves the bedroom and comes back with something...sharp. Oh at least it feels sharp, because he presses something sharp on my body...where it stung the worst...immediately I felt a sensation I just can't fucking describe. He leaves me again to, I assume, put whatever he just used back and comes back telling me "yes, you're into knife play." (Technically, I found out later, it was a pair of scissors).
Yes, it was the most hottest scene to date, not because the pain the pleasure was too immeasurable to fully grasp at times and I came so hard that day, but the marks that crop made was soo fucking sexy.
And I'm regretting not getting a freakin cane!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Friends or the lack there of
I've purposely led a life of a self-imposed seclusion for the past three years because I really didn't want to discuss with anyone about my new life change, namely that I'm not married anymore. As you've probably deduced, the price I payed for trying to get my life to where I needed to go is that I came away from all this with very little friends. During this time, the only people to whom I saw with great frequency was M, my mother, and oddly enough my ex from time to time.
Also, I didn't want impose on any of my "friend" to whom I knew when I was married because I didn't want any of them to pick sides and cause any drama, which happens all too frequently with divorce situations.
Now that my divorce is finalizing, and my relationship with my ex has normalized, I'm finding that I crave platonic friendships. But something is preventing me from outright making friends, or asking the universe to show me the way...that is I've become much more Introverted now than I've ever been.
Its not that I've just discovered my introverted nature, I've known since childhood that I was this way. And no, I'm not ashamed of this nor do I want to change it. This is who I am, and it has served me well in my life. But somehow, I've always attracted Extroverts, both in platonic and romantic relationships, and somehow I became friends of friends through association rather than my will of personality.
Let me take that back. Its not that I can't socialize or make friends. The kinds of friends I make on my own tended to be either introverts (which I don't mind) or short-lived because I just never gave enough to the relationship that was required of them. Ok...here's the thing...and M is also this way so he also finds himself in this situation...I like to spend time with friends...however I need to spend time on my own. Most people find that second part off-putting because I think their reasoning is if I'm really a friend, I should be spending as much time into this relationship. For example, I think spending all of your evenings talking to one or a set of friends is too much for me. Or, the expectation that I must be doing something with this person or this group every weekend is too much. I find it draining, they find that I'm not just committed, and this whole experiment on friendship becomes an utter failure.
I've mentioned to my ex how lonely I've been a few times, and he's suggested, I should make friends just for the sake of making them. But, I don't want to make friends with people, just to add a name to my address book. If the situation was reverse, and someone became friends with me just because I happen to be there, I would be sort of angry because they think nothing of me other than a commodity. I would hope that they want to be my friends because they like me, we share common interests/ground, and want to get to know me better.
Its not that I can't commit to a friendship, and honestly, I accept alot of people for whom they are rather than what they can bring for me. I do have friendships that I haven't had any interaction for years, then is resuscitated for a brief period of time, where the signs of affection never wavered or tempered despite the inactivity, only to loose touch again and the cycle continues. It does take me along time to open up to people, however, I find that people are impatient to get the relationship going. Honestly, why the rush?
Now I have re-acquainted myself with old friends lately and I've become closer to my family, more so than I've ever been. I must admit that Facebook has been a wonderful tool in that regard.
But making new friends have alluded me. Perhaps, I am not ready for friends if I'm still really ambivalent about making a commitment to friendship. Or perhaps, the universe is telling me that its not time for me to open up and accept other people in my life. Whatever the case, it looks like I'll be in my solitude for a little bit longer.
Also, I didn't want impose on any of my "friend" to whom I knew when I was married because I didn't want any of them to pick sides and cause any drama, which happens all too frequently with divorce situations.
Now that my divorce is finalizing, and my relationship with my ex has normalized, I'm finding that I crave platonic friendships. But something is preventing me from outright making friends, or asking the universe to show me the way...that is I've become much more Introverted now than I've ever been.
Its not that I've just discovered my introverted nature, I've known since childhood that I was this way. And no, I'm not ashamed of this nor do I want to change it. This is who I am, and it has served me well in my life. But somehow, I've always attracted Extroverts, both in platonic and romantic relationships, and somehow I became friends of friends through association rather than my will of personality.
Let me take that back. Its not that I can't socialize or make friends. The kinds of friends I make on my own tended to be either introverts (which I don't mind) or short-lived because I just never gave enough to the relationship that was required of them. Ok...here's the thing...and M is also this way so he also finds himself in this situation...I like to spend time with friends...however I need to spend time on my own. Most people find that second part off-putting because I think their reasoning is if I'm really a friend, I should be spending as much time into this relationship. For example, I think spending all of your evenings talking to one or a set of friends is too much for me. Or, the expectation that I must be doing something with this person or this group every weekend is too much. I find it draining, they find that I'm not just committed, and this whole experiment on friendship becomes an utter failure.
I've mentioned to my ex how lonely I've been a few times, and he's suggested, I should make friends just for the sake of making them. But, I don't want to make friends with people, just to add a name to my address book. If the situation was reverse, and someone became friends with me just because I happen to be there, I would be sort of angry because they think nothing of me other than a commodity. I would hope that they want to be my friends because they like me, we share common interests/ground, and want to get to know me better.
Its not that I can't commit to a friendship, and honestly, I accept alot of people for whom they are rather than what they can bring for me. I do have friendships that I haven't had any interaction for years, then is resuscitated for a brief period of time, where the signs of affection never wavered or tempered despite the inactivity, only to loose touch again and the cycle continues. It does take me along time to open up to people, however, I find that people are impatient to get the relationship going. Honestly, why the rush?
Now I have re-acquainted myself with old friends lately and I've become closer to my family, more so than I've ever been. I must admit that Facebook has been a wonderful tool in that regard.
But making new friends have alluded me. Perhaps, I am not ready for friends if I'm still really ambivalent about making a commitment to friendship. Or perhaps, the universe is telling me that its not time for me to open up and accept other people in my life. Whatever the case, it looks like I'll be in my solitude for a little bit longer.
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