What a difference a year makes...and what may come.

I was talking to my co-worker recently about various things in her life.  She had to talk to her mother about something extremely uncomfortable, because she was placed in a precarious position to have to set limits.  As we talked about her situation, I commented about how things have finally settled for me.  I told her that no matter how insipid or annoying things got for me this year, nothing compared to the pain and anguish I experienced the same time last year.   In fact, I've been able to cope with the surprises in my life, and a shift in my circumstances with relative ease, though not without some kind of effort.  It is nice to know that I'm finally on the other side of this, or at least be able to take a step back and look at what happened with a clear head.  I'm not saying that my life has been easy in the past 12 months.  I don't have to say it, just read my posts this year.  But, at least I'm settled enough to be able to date other people, and finally focus on myself. 

Yet, I feel that I have not been alone in having to go through pain and hardship.  It seems that my other friends have endured their share of breakups and disappointments this year.  I know a group of people having to deal with some vile behavior that is going on for 2 years, that involved a possible outing, and legal action.  Still others who are embroiled in some drama, that is spilling into the kink community at large.

Speaking of kink community, if you are to believe everything you see on Fetlife, there appears to be a huge rupture in the community regarding communication and personal responsibility.  The only thing I'm going to say about that is this: 1) It's sparking debate and dialogue.  2) Things are finally coming into the light that needed to be exposed, and 3) There are people who are committed to change the community for the better.   As someone who is and isn't part of this community, from my point of view, it's not as fractured as some people think it is.  It's probably not as healthy as most adherents claim to be.  But some lesson need to be learned time and time again.  I think a shakeup like this is a good thing, complacently is dangerous for this kind of community.

So if I was to give advice to all my friends who are going through a rough time right now, or a community that needs healing it's this, you will get to the other side of this pain.  I can't tell you if it's going to be easy or quick.  I'm not clairvoyant.  But this will end.  You may stumble along the way, make some hard decisions, and make some changes, but pain and suffering have a way of teaching you about yourself and about your place in the universe.  You have to be open and patient to listen to it.  And it takes time and space to get to the other side.   

No, I don't think I'm done making changes to my life.  Right now, it looks like I have to get my work and financial house in order.   Not to mention, I'm not naive to think that I will stop suffering.  I'd like to think that I have the tools to deal what may come, or at least have a better frame of mind.   At the very least, I can enjoy myself, cultivate the new relationships I've acquired, and continue to work on integrating my power into my real life. 

Control vs Controlling

I wrote a little about control here but I wanted to elaborate on my thoughts about this subject.

Just to reiterate, I still maintain that total control is an illusion. I still believe that.  Control is a force of nature, like water.  You can't control water.  It flows to places where it will encounter the least resistance, forging creeks, rivers, lakes, and oceans. 

We think we are in control, because we do things and hold onto small things that make us feel like that we are masters of our universe. But that is not real control; that is being controlling. Real control and being controlling are two very different things.

Being controlling is giving away your power, and letting your flight/fight response guide you. Being controlling is reactionary, based on fear and insecurities. When we try to push people to our whims, when we try to manipulate situations to mirror our wants and desires, regardless if the players consent to this or even aware of this, this is what being controlling means.  Sometimes these efforts work.  But it's like deception, at some point it becomes burdensome and unyielding.  Then you become a slave at maintaining this illusion. 

Real control encompasses power, influence, effort and luck.  Real control is tempered by responsibility, integrity, and compassion. Real control is complicated and is an exercise in patience.

Only when I learned to let go of control did I understand real control. I needed to step back and see the big picture and that all those small details that I would obsess on were distractions. To understand control, one must know yourself, know your strength and weaknesses, question your motives, and take risks. It is the choices you make and constantly learning from them and refining them.

Portraits

My ex-husband painted a portrait of me using traditional renaissance techniques , using hand-made ground pigments in oil, dammar varnish and gesso on a panel covered in linen sized with rabbit skin glue.  I am posed laying on my side, dressed in my blue pajamas, with my hands laying in front of me, my hand framing my face while my left hand prominently  displaying my gold-leafed wedding ring.  I am not smiling, rather, I am in contemplation.  Not because I'm lost in profound thought, but because posing for a long periods of time is a test in endurance.  As far as paintings go, the portrait itself is not very big.  It is sizable enough that I've had problems displaying it on walls or mantels without leaving an impression that I'm vain.  So, it's currently not anywhere in my home.  I do love it, and I couldn't ask for a better representation of me in a particular time and place. 

When we separated, my ex-husband gave me my portrait.  He also gave me  another painting that  represented love in its early stages for us.  He couldn't be near me without being hurt, so any remnants of me needed to be purged. He took those paintings off his gallery on his website.  For awhile, I couldn't look at my portrait either.  For me it represented youthful idealism long faded.  It hid behind a door for a long time. 

I've since displayed it in my last home, on a the mantel in fact.  It was one of the first thing people noticed when they walked into the front room.  I look at my portrait with fondness.  It wasn't a bad time for me, I just needed to find the true me.  Then a week ago, while I was writing this and trying to figure out where this piece was going, I went to my ex-husband's art website.  I'm not sure when it happened but to my surprise, my portrait was on display.  He even updated the description to say that it was a portrait of his ex-wife.  It made me smile.  We've been friends for awhile, so my portrait has become a fond memory for him.

If someone painted another portrait of me, of the me that is now, I would wonder how it would look like.  Would someone paint me like the stereotypical dominant female, in a corset carrying a crop?  Oh God I hope not.  I do hope that whomever this artist is, he or she will capture my spirit, this new energy I'm emanating.  I would not be so shy, I would hope that I'd be painted in a dress, that shows my figure, with my hair flowing in the air, displaying a look on my face that I am comfortably with the me that I have become.

I feel the need to put myself in display.  It's time to describe myself in my words, to tell my story, to tell you who I am.  It's as if the universe is telling me, it's time to get out of my shell, you have processed enough of the pain of the past few months.  Because the universe have given me more people in my life,  to occupy my thoughts, to wrap my legs around, to feel them, to touch them, and to crave them.  But the universe has not settle with just this.  The universe has felt the need to test me, to see how I would react to others negative influences.  The universe is telling me to ask for what I want.  So, you might see me writing selfishly, about me and distilling what I do and why I do them.  It's time to display my feathers.  It's time for another portrait.

My dominance is made not born.

This post is a response to all the claim that his/her dominance was somehow innate.  I understand that this may be a case for some people.  As for me, It never felt like that.  If anything, I always felt that I was thrusted into this role against my volition.  I was taught I shouldn't be a strong female.  Yet, everything in life has shown me otherwise.  

What I was born with was an incurable sense of curiosity, a strong ego, an independence streak, a body that is sexually insatiable, and a quirky self-defense mechanism aka my self depreciating humor.  I was born to be a shameless hussy.  I don't deny that my personality have a big part of this.  After all, how you react to what life throws at you determines how you are going to act.

But let's not ignore life experience in the equation.  Part of my life experience was forged out of years of mistakes, broken hearts and egos, and wondering who the fuck I was. Every time I was in a relationship with a guy who chided me for not letting him control things, or when anyone told me being a strong female was unattractive and that I would always be alone, would make dents to my armor, but did not break me.  Every time things would fall to the wayside, I would pick up the pieces and move on, because shit needed to be done.  I can add all the thankless little tasks I would do for the people I love, the painful obstacles that I had to endure, the stupid decisions I made that lead me to here. Let's not forget the positive things, the impromptu solutions that turned out to be serendipitous, the discoveries I've made, and the people who've I've met and loved along the way have made meaningful contributions.  

This is what has made me what I am today, and it is what I draw my dominance from. My dominance was forged from my experiences and my personality.  Not unlike becoming a soldier.  All soldiers are made, but great soldiers are cultivated in battle, under life and death situations.  Yes, it's work, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Being alone..but not really

When I came out to my ex-husband, I told him that my dating pool just shrunk considerably. He kept telling me that I'll find someone, and repeated that mantra to me, to reassure me. But he just didn't get it. As a poly person, there is no “one person”.  I let it slide. It was late and I didn't have the heart to explain it.

I think I eluded to dating in the poly/kinky world in the past, but even where I live, in what seems to be kink mecca, there's not a lot of poly/kinky people out here.  Actually, it's quite incestious at times. For example,  my hypno/magic friend have dated two women with whom I've been acquainted with in my social circle. So yes...it's that tiny. Now, I've opened up my dating pool to include vanilla/monogamous. But as many a post in Fetlife can attest, dating vanilla/monogamous people, as a poly/kinky person, have their own set of problems. Nevertheless, I was once vanilla and monogamous, surely I'd find some who may be interested in exploring this “lifestyle”, or at the very least can get to understand what it is I am.

Making the decision to become a poly/kinky person made me realize that not only was I going to run into people who probably won't understand what this means, but that I will run into people who will judge me and disapprove.  I'm ok with that. No, I haven't ran into judgy people yet; but then again, the only other person I've told about this, besides the ex-husband, is my roommate.  He's the last person to ever judge me, since he's had open relationships in the past. 

Because I want to be responsible about this, I need to disclose my poly/kinky status early on in the relationship, preferably in the attraction phase, before things become enmeshed.  But in practice, just starting that dialogue is problematic. Many people think that just talking about the subject, ruins “the mystery” of letting the relationship unfold on its own. I will write about this odd communication quirk in another post. Suffice it to say, my own attempts at trying to do just that have failed miserably.  I'm also having to screen for people with whom I can trust to tell them about my status and my instincts tell me that a lot of people couldn't handle this disclosure.

All of this brings me to my main point...that I will be in this semi-single state for awhile, and that I will have to accept that I will be alone for most of it.  Okay, to be fair, I've felt alone in those last few months before I broke up with M, and I felt periods of loneliness in my marriage.  It's just that what I usually do is go from one heavy-duty relationship after another, and this is the first time I haven't done so.  Instead, the universe is very clear on what I need to do right now...that I need to be comfortable being alone.  With my time and space not being occupied to a relationship, the universe would like me to work on myself...by creating,  by being open and expansive with people and situations, and by attending to my spiritual needs.

And one of the revelations that has revealed to me recently is that I'm really not alone.  On a mundane level, I have friends and lovers who love me and who are there for me.  Some of them are actually vanilla folks who don't know my poly/kinky side.  But most of them are my kinky friends and lovers have been supportive of me ever since the break-up.   I can even add my roommate to that list.  On a spiritual/esoteric level, I am never alone.  All of those talks/books on Buddhism, that I've been surrounding myself for the last 9 months, have taught me that I am part of the known universe, from the smallest quark to the largest supernova.  How can I say that I am alone when I keep such meaningful company!

I'm really surprised that I didn't start this whole journey of mine like this over five years ago, when I started this blog.  But then again, I don't think I was ready for it.  I'm not sure why I'm ready for this now.  Perhaps I had to meet M in order to find the poly/kinky side of me, and now that I've found it, I'm whole?  All I know is that I'm not in a rush to get into a primary relationship, although from time to time I do ponder that it would be nice to be in one.  But that feeling is like childhood nostalgia, fleeting and not rooted in reality.  No, I'm not obsessed with it, and I'm really loving my freedom.

The long complicated process of letting go...or trying to.

A few weeks ago, I woke up one Sunday to an immeasurable sadness that came over me quite suddenly and unexpectedly, as I tried to get ready to take my walk to the farmers market. As I let this sadness take over me, I sat on my bed crying uncontrollably. Eventually I made it to the farmer's market.  But when I came home, while trying to explain to someone via text what happened, I again cried. My attempt of rationalizing this sadness only lead to confusion and doubt. It became apparent that I couldn't rationalize why I felt this way.

Since I moved into this place, I always felt this presence around me. Now, let me make this clear; I prefer to use observable explanations and make analytical judgements on the world around me. I like to think that most things can be explained rationally. I do have some beliefs, but I don't think it conflicts with what is known. Nevertheless I “felt” a presence, something tugging me when my guard is down. That Sunday I think I figured out what that was. It was the shadow figure of something I invoked out of M. Something that the both of us was probably not ready to invoke.

For you see, at one point, when we were deep into our D/s period of our relationship, I found M's little boy. I think that presence is this little boy. I picture him as a young boy of five, with blond hair and big blue eyes looking at me as if waiting for answers and reassurances.  He always looks sad.

Now, I don't know if M left his little boy with me out of a deliberate decision to cut that part of his life because he didn't need him anymore, or that he broke all ties with me and his old life so severely that he forgot that his little boy was on my side of the bridge he was burning. Or simply, that I could not let him go...because he was mine.  I suppose, because of our protracted break-up, I am now coming into terms with the fact that I have feelings for M, that I am still hurting, and that I am a long way of being healed. This was my first D/s relationship and such, it's the most intense relationship I've ever been. I think we both hurt each other unintentionally because frankly, we just fumbled along with this. And to tell you the truth, I really didn't know what I was doing. Does anyone?

I really don't want to let M's little boy go. I still love him. I want to mother him like he should have been. That little boy is very special to me. I keep him very close to my heart. But after that morning, I wonder, is it healthy for me to keep him? After all, he is not mine to keep...is he? He belongs to M, whether M wants him or not.

After asking much needed advice to my friends, I decided that I need a ritual to talk to this little boy, to show him how much I love him, to set him on his way back to M. Yet, I have a hard time trying to do this. Again, there is a part of me that is reluctant to let him go. But the other part of me thinks this is silly.  There is no such thing as a presence.  All of this is just a convenient way of denying myself what really is going on...that I'm not over M.  The little boy is just a metaphor for M, that M is with someone else, and the fact that he doesn't love me anymore still hurts me.

Nevertheless, I still "feel" that this little boy is with me. I can still feel his presence and I think he feels lonely and abandoned; The very conditions that brought him to existence to begin with.  Perhaps the little boy is with me because I feel that way too. Convenient delusion or not, we both need closure. So I must do this. I want to do this correctly, but I'm not sure how.

 

Intermezzo No. 1

So, there have been some minor skirmishes since I last written here. All of it at work. Despite still having a job and managing to survive, I'm still sort of feel confused and very discombobulated over it. Just when I thought things have settled for me there, people and events keep coming to me that makes me wonder if there are more to come. I still think that there is more to this that I'm not seeing. The universe has been insisting that I am on the right path. It's just that at the moment, I don't see the big plan. Or, perhaps, I am to forge ahead in order to move the story forward.  

Despite this veil, a couple of things have come up that have let me see a few steps on my path.  I'm going to write these in two posts, just so that I can give them both the time and space it deserves.

 

In the meantime, I guess I'm just going to let you all know that I'm doing rather well, even with all the drama at work. My home life is relatively stable and still very positive. My roommate is wonderful and I've gotten to know my neighborhoods intimately, by first eating through it, then walking miles and miles of it. One day, I will start running it.

I want to thank you for your patience on me not writing in awhile; The universe seems to have designs for me that I must heed.  In the meantime, a musical interlude that sums up what I've been feeling.  Enjoy :)

Conversations with the Ex-Husband

One of the first things I did when I moved into my new place was call my ex-husband.  I think I was asking him about open studios and we ended up talking about M and our own relationship.

He now has a girlfriend who he loves and gives love in return.  He does report that she has a hard time when he talks about me in front of her, despite the fact that there is nothing between us romantically.  But he likes the fact that she does get jealous, something he considers is a sign that she cares for him.  Now, neither of us will not end our friendship;  however, I'm not going to go over to his place to hang out with him as pals. 

It is odd to be writing about the person that was the impetus of this blog;  The person I was estranged with and dealing with a loss of our marriage.  I don't think I need to tell you how easy this process has been for me, all you need is to read my past entries.  I can't speak for him, he went through some similar processing, discovering himself and what he wanted from his life.  But I can tell you, with a definite degree of certainty, that I consider him my best friend, and perhaps my love of my life.  I am glad to report that Time does heal, for the both of us, to the point that I can still have  poignant conversations with him.  Interestingly enough, my conversations haven't deviated much from when we were married.  We had lovely conversations about lots of stuff back then. 

Let's go back a year or two for some background.  He called for me for, oh I'm not sure now...to meet him for lunch?  It was something rather mundane.  At the end of that conversation, he stated he found my OKCupid profile.  He asked if this was something I had up before I meet M.  I told him, "It's something like that."  What didn't happen was a conversation about me being Poly and kinky.  I doubled checked my profile, and yup..the first sentence in that first paragraph, it stated that I was Poly and Kinky.  I was a bit disappointed that he didn't mention it, but let it go.

A couple of weeks after I broke up with M, I talked to D again; this time, I casually come out to him as Poly and Kinky.  He said he knew, after reading my OKCupid profile.  In an emotional exchange through text I told him, out of the everyone I knew, it was really important for me to come out to him.  Because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be the person I am today.  It is this start that gave me the courage to seek out the potentiality of what I can be.  It is this gift he gave me, and one that I will always be grateful.

42

Ah yes...the meaning of life.  I don't know why this number has always been special for me.  Maybe because I fell in love with Douglas Adams at such an impressionable age.  I ravished his books, which helped me form my outlook in life, and develop my sense of dry humor.  He also inspired me to write.  Ok, it has taken me years to get to that point, but for some reason he made me realize that being quirky and weird is a beautiful thing in the world.

It is also my birthday, and I am the same age as the meaning of life.  If I was prone to finding signs where there are none, I would say that this is an auspicious year.  The realist in me knows that I can not rest on such precarious laurels.

Yet, despite my work life, life itself is wonderful.  I am loving my home life.  I have a great roommate and have a home that is peaceful, with no drama.  My love life could be better, but honestly I am truly happy being on my own, without being beholden to anyone else.  I am not without love however. I am blessed with an abundance of love given to me by my friends and lovers.

Because of this, I want to tell people how happy I am to be turning 42.  Yet, even at work, there is an unspoken rule that we should never ask anyone's age.  Especially around your birthdays, lest you offend someone.  It's sad really.  I want to tell people how old I am.  So I can show off my geeky side and make my tribute to my favorite writer Douglas Adams.  I want to tell everyone the story of 42, and why its not about asking about THE question, its about asking about the RIGHT question.  I want to revel in my maturity, the wisdom I have gain, and dammit...show off how wonderful and sexy 42 can be, shall be!

My plans for my birthday?  Get my hair done, get a mani-pedi, get my eyebrows done.  Perhaps get a massage?  Not sure.  Treat myself to dinner, and drinks...perhaps at Flora.  Eat cake!!!  Then make time in the middle of that to do my timesheet....because I forgot to do my fucking timesheet!  Fuck you work!

But let's not end this positive post with work; because god knows I've spent an ungodly amount of time dealing with stupidity at work in the last few weeks.  Seriously, if anyone needs a high level admin person who has become a wizard with spreadsheets and scheduling, let me know :D

Where was I?  Oh right...42.  So here's to grabbing my towel, hitching a ride, and discovering the universe on my terms, with my eyes open, and laughing at the absurdity of life and love.

The "New Life"

The search for a place turned out to be a complete and utter nightmare, as I began and ended in my search in the middle of another housing boom, which resulted in 20 people for every place I looked at.  It didn't help that I was searching during the start of the summer, one of the busiest times to move.  At a week to spare, I ended up landing a roommate situation, that suited the both of us.  He works during the evenings, while I have my 9 to 5 job.  

I'm week one of settling into my new place.  Mostly everything is in it's place.  I need to take the boxes out of the apartment, take and grab some items to my storage place, and eventually get a new bed.  I'm just happy that I have internet access :)

It is easy to say that my new life started as soon as I left that lovely house in the hills, with the flowing wisteria in the front yard.  However, my life changed as soon as I broke up with M.  As I found myself in my new room last Thursday evening, the finality of that separation didn't manifest itself until I moved myself and my cat into my new place.  Traumatized by the ride to his new home in a carrier, the cat scurried around trying to find a place to hide, until he settled into the covers of my bed.  Meanwhile, as I was trying to soothe him, tears streamed out of my eyes, down on my face, and didn't stop until I decided to have a drink from one of the bottles of alcohol that M foisted on me.  

Before I left the old place, I gave M a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and wished him good luck.  I don't know what the future holds between the both of us, but my instincts was telling me that this will be the last time I will see him.  I texted him during my crying episode that I will miss him and to keep in touch.  I meant every word I wrote.

So here I am, settling and beginning another chapter of my life.  Those annoying quotes in my title is to cue the reader of the use of the word "Life" as sort of used in irony, like in Alanis Morissette definition of irony.  Essentially, we only have one life. Many themes, many chapters, but only one life.  We might as live it as a special entity, never to happen again, which is true, I believe.  As this blog started on one journey, I am now on a different trajectory than M's, onto a different story, one written by me, for me for a change.

Despite the sadness, the confusion I experienced throughout this separation, it is a marked different one than the last, even at this early stage.  I'm not in a hurry to have another primary boyfriend, even though there are stirrings inside me to go out and be seen again as sexy dominant woman.  The first thing I've done is read a book I bought a few years ago that hadn't been read yet.  The next book I will read after this one will be a series of books I meant to read a few years ago as well.  Tomorrow I'm going to the city to see a play, on my own.  The next few weeks I plan to reconnect with friends.  But dating?  Not sure.  Oh, I'm still seeing JN, and I'll see if my play partner wants to continue with me.  Even the flirtation is still ongoing at work.  But nothing feels urgent or pressing. That isn't to say that I don't feel raw and emotional.  I am anticipating that the emotions will come in fits and bursts, and I let it flow through me.

That's the first paragraph of my new chapter of my life.  We shall see what the rest of my story will unfold.

State of Current Events - Finding a Home Edition

The days of the calender recede closer to the end of May when I have to leave this house.  I will miss this place despite what has transpired between M and I.  In a way, I will miss how much space it gave me, the flowers in the front yard, its potentiality and promises.  M had started packing months before I, and I am constantly reminded that this will end, by the boxes that has invaded our home.   Then again his journey begins with a drive across country and mine will begin from square one.  I am very anxious because I still need to find a place to call home;  however, I've never felt so full of hope.  For the first time of my life I am looking forward to living my life on my own.

Not that I am not living my life.  That is the misnomer.   Even in transition you are constantly living your life.  The universe doesn't stop for you just because you're not ready.

At this moment of time I've put my kinky pursuits on hold.  I had to put on hold a friend turned kinky playmate, because my attentions have been busy at work and trying to get myself settled.  Thankfully, my libido passed a test a couple of months ago; That I am not ruled by it like I was a few years ago.  That there is not this immediate need for me to fulfill it.  Although I was (and still am) turning heads and attracting a certain person at work, my libido isn't my entire focus of my life right now.  Ironically enough, it's my creativity, my writing, my music.  I like to think that once I get settled I can focus on more carnal matters.  But I doubt it.   The small goals I want to accomplish in the very near future is to finish a story, see if I can write an article and write a series of blog posts regarding observations of monogamy.

That is not to say that I am entirely alone.  In fact, I am enmeshed in my secondary's family.  For the sake of simplicity, and moving forward, I will call him JN.  He is more than my secondary, he is more than the Dominant I am dating, he has been support in all of this and I can't thank him enough.  It was through him that I am experiencing how Poly is just more than having more than one sex partner, it is having a network of support, a family, that love you.  Then there is my extended kinky friends who has given me the space to work out my shit, then welcome me with open arms whenever they've see me again.  I've been more expansive than I've ever been and the thought of doing this alone is unfathomable.  

I am also playing this game with someone.  It's just a game because we can't pursue each other, not without a lot of resistance.  It's game of how my sexual energy intertwines with his, who's energy will prevail, who will make the first move.   Despite my better judgment, I am a full participant of this game.  Because I'm curious, it's hot and I want to see if this leads someplace.  The universe is telling me to be patient on this one, don't force it, enjoy the ride even if nothing else happens.  And that is what I intend to do :)

LOL, when I started this blog, all I wanted to do was hide, not disturb what was, and leave with as little notice as possible.  Now...bah...I don't care.  I need to be surrounded by people.  I want to tell my story.  I want sing the blues (but not in a sad way).  And despite needing to find the time to find a new home, all I want to do is be surrounded by people who love me, and the songs and stories that inspire me.

So I will be taking this blog on a slight detour.  I want to write seriously about Monogamy vs Polyamory.  Not that one is better than the other, but more like observations I've noticed since I've become poly, and how things from one relationship model brings light on issues on the other, and vice versa.  Besides, this is me trying my hand at "serious" topics not necessarily tied to something to my life.  Okay, that's a lie.  Essentially I am a diarist, and my writing will always be tied to me in one form or another.   

That's it for now.  Wish me luck.

   

Identity

I decided to change my role on Fetlife awhile ago from switch to Domme, because...well that's where my energies have rested lately.  Although the switch moniker has served me well in the past, I found that now that I'm single, I'm hesitant to show the other side of me.  One of the main men I'm dating is a Dominant.  Even he will concede that his attraction to me laid in the fact that my dominant energy and his are complimentary.  His very masculine/paternal dominance brings out my own feminine/maternal dominance that meshes so well that even his wife can't help but be affected by it. 

I'm even noticing this change in me by how people at normal vanilla settings are treating me.  I'm becoming more confident, willing to take on more authority, and creating expectations of people, usually to my own detriment.  That is, I really shouldn't taking on responsibilities without being compensated for it.  But that is another topic for another post.

But this obvious line in the sand did come with me questioning why I'm making a definite stand on my kinky identity, and why now.  Afterall, I'm still exploring this side of myself, and it's not like my masochist/sexual bottomy side has left me.  I still believe in not limiting myself to the labels I give myself.  Yet, everything told me that it was time to make this call.

As for the timing? I don't know, other than I am having to be my own support and advocate.  I guess I need to be both with my dominance in the forefront.

I've avoided making such a clear distinction regarding my identity in the past because of the mixed messages growing up.  On one hand, it was drilled in my head since I was born that I was to be respectful...nay proudful that my ethnicity is Filipino.  I was to conform to the expectations of what it meant to be THE first born female born into an immigrant family whose parents became newly naturalized citizens.  Nah...no pressure there!  On the other hand, being part of a handful of non-white kids in a school full of white kids made me realize that I shouldn't rock the boat.  That I needed to be rather exceptional, or to be insignificant thus blend into the walls.  In my case, it was the latter.

So even as an adult, I'm still feeling this tug of war of needing to label myself, because we all need to describe ourselves, yet feel limiting by those labels because dammit, I'm a special snowflake!  Look, I hate to rest my identity laurels on what I do for a living, much less my Asian-ness.  I even put less stock identifying on my kinky/poly orientation.  It's clearly obviously to me that I am many things.  I am a biological, cis-gendered, mostly hetero, female with geeky and creative tendencies. 

Whatever I'll try to call myself, that's not going to stop people from putting me into a pre-labeled box.  It's not going to stop men from trying to ask me if I would like to be their mistress or have unwarrantable expectations placed on my shoulders because I'm a Dominant since we all know we are suppose to be ego maniacal control freaks.  LOL...no wonder I hardly play in public anymore.

Let's just decide to self-identify as Benevolent Dictator...Shall we :-)

The Process of Processing

I got an email from a friend, someone whom we played with once, wanting to do a semi-public, semi-sexual, semi-switching scene with me.  My first reaction was of flattery, then my head started to panic for some reason.  The next morning I looked at the message again, parsed through all the words looking for something that wasn't there.  Since I'm experiencing a lull of activity at work, I ended up having this internal dialogue playing in my head. My new polyamorous mindset decided to pick a fight with the old guard, aka my monogamous mindset  To paraphrase, my poly side said "You have an itch to scratch and he's a friend." But my mono side said, "But does he want more from me than what I'm capable to give."  Then my rational mind stepped in and said "Shut up you two, just ask him!" At which point, I calmed a bit.  I did end up talking to him, then seeing him the following evening. I was surprised by the reaction I had towards this email, ie the hesitation the doubting of myself and motives, and the subsequent processing made me feel vulnerable and exhausted.

When I say processing I mean this, “To gain an understanding or acceptance of; come to terms with.”

Usually, I tend to do my processing internally, or in my diary, and obviously on here. I don't pay attention to the process of processing; It just happens and I go on with my life. However, I think it's save to say that I've had my share of processing everything within the past few months, and I'm a bit weary. This is also telling me that I'm still trying to heal and make sense of my grief. If the universe has its way, this will not be the end. 

Sure enough, when the day of my date came by, we ended up cuddling and me talking his ear off, instead of playing.  When I came home, I was still processing all of this, and why this was such a big deal.  All of this processing wasn't for naught...Thank god. I figured out that my reaction had something to do with my loss and unfortunately this event triggered this. 

Which brings me to a bigger point. There is this enduring negative image that polyamory is unnecessarily complicated because there is so much processing going on.  This includes actions such as the incessant analyzing of everything, the over-sharing, the over-reacting, the relationship decision making by committee. Even poly people get sick of the processing for processing sake, and bitch about it on Fetlife!  I think when a mono person tells me that Poly is too complicated, that monogamy is simpler, less confusing, easier, he/she is alluding to this.

I don't think monogamy is simpler, but there are many assumptions to monogamy that is usually not questioned. For example, that this person will be the only one you are having a relationship with at this moment, until the person  or the relationship ends.  But that's not to say that people in monogamous relationships never have to process anything.  Anyone who has ever been in a long-term monogamous relationship know things change all of the time, and whenever anything changes, there is a good deal of processing going on.   

Now I understand that dealing with grief and loss is not a linear process, and I'm sure that there will be more of this to come in the near future.  And for the most part, I do tend to like and understand the process of processing.  Then again, why can't I take people and opportunities that come to me without question everything?

Because, it's not time to do that yet.