Being alone..but not really

When I came out to my ex-husband, I told him that my dating pool just shrunk considerably. He kept telling me that I'll find someone, and repeated that mantra to me, to reassure me. But he just didn't get it. As a poly person, there is no “one person”.  I let it slide. It was late and I didn't have the heart to explain it.

I think I eluded to dating in the poly/kinky world in the past, but even where I live, in what seems to be kink mecca, there's not a lot of poly/kinky people out here.  Actually, it's quite incestious at times. For example,  my hypno/magic friend have dated two women with whom I've been acquainted with in my social circle. So yes...it's that tiny. Now, I've opened up my dating pool to include vanilla/monogamous. But as many a post in Fetlife can attest, dating vanilla/monogamous people, as a poly/kinky person, have their own set of problems. Nevertheless, I was once vanilla and monogamous, surely I'd find some who may be interested in exploring this “lifestyle”, or at the very least can get to understand what it is I am.

Making the decision to become a poly/kinky person made me realize that not only was I going to run into people who probably won't understand what this means, but that I will run into people who will judge me and disapprove.  I'm ok with that. No, I haven't ran into judgy people yet; but then again, the only other person I've told about this, besides the ex-husband, is my roommate.  He's the last person to ever judge me, since he's had open relationships in the past. 

Because I want to be responsible about this, I need to disclose my poly/kinky status early on in the relationship, preferably in the attraction phase, before things become enmeshed.  But in practice, just starting that dialogue is problematic. Many people think that just talking about the subject, ruins “the mystery” of letting the relationship unfold on its own. I will write about this odd communication quirk in another post. Suffice it to say, my own attempts at trying to do just that have failed miserably.  I'm also having to screen for people with whom I can trust to tell them about my status and my instincts tell me that a lot of people couldn't handle this disclosure.

All of this brings me to my main point...that I will be in this semi-single state for awhile, and that I will have to accept that I will be alone for most of it.  Okay, to be fair, I've felt alone in those last few months before I broke up with M, and I felt periods of loneliness in my marriage.  It's just that what I usually do is go from one heavy-duty relationship after another, and this is the first time I haven't done so.  Instead, the universe is very clear on what I need to do right now...that I need to be comfortable being alone.  With my time and space not being occupied to a relationship, the universe would like me to work on myself...by creating,  by being open and expansive with people and situations, and by attending to my spiritual needs.

And one of the revelations that has revealed to me recently is that I'm really not alone.  On a mundane level, I have friends and lovers who love me and who are there for me.  Some of them are actually vanilla folks who don't know my poly/kinky side.  But most of them are my kinky friends and lovers have been supportive of me ever since the break-up.   I can even add my roommate to that list.  On a spiritual/esoteric level, I am never alone.  All of those talks/books on Buddhism, that I've been surrounding myself for the last 9 months, have taught me that I am part of the known universe, from the smallest quark to the largest supernova.  How can I say that I am alone when I keep such meaningful company!

I'm really surprised that I didn't start this whole journey of mine like this over five years ago, when I started this blog.  But then again, I don't think I was ready for it.  I'm not sure why I'm ready for this now.  Perhaps I had to meet M in order to find the poly/kinky side of me, and now that I've found it, I'm whole?  All I know is that I'm not in a rush to get into a primary relationship, although from time to time I do ponder that it would be nice to be in one.  But that feeling is like childhood nostalgia, fleeting and not rooted in reality.  No, I'm not obsessed with it, and I'm really loving my freedom.

The long complicated process of letting go...or trying to.

A few weeks ago, I woke up one Sunday to an immeasurable sadness that came over me quite suddenly and unexpectedly, as I tried to get ready to take my walk to the farmers market. As I let this sadness take over me, I sat on my bed crying uncontrollably. Eventually I made it to the farmer's market.  But when I came home, while trying to explain to someone via text what happened, I again cried. My attempt of rationalizing this sadness only lead to confusion and doubt. It became apparent that I couldn't rationalize why I felt this way.

Since I moved into this place, I always felt this presence around me. Now, let me make this clear; I prefer to use observable explanations and make analytical judgements on the world around me. I like to think that most things can be explained rationally. I do have some beliefs, but I don't think it conflicts with what is known. Nevertheless I “felt” a presence, something tugging me when my guard is down. That Sunday I think I figured out what that was. It was the shadow figure of something I invoked out of M. Something that the both of us was probably not ready to invoke.

For you see, at one point, when we were deep into our D/s period of our relationship, I found M's little boy. I think that presence is this little boy. I picture him as a young boy of five, with blond hair and big blue eyes looking at me as if waiting for answers and reassurances.  He always looks sad.

Now, I don't know if M left his little boy with me out of a deliberate decision to cut that part of his life because he didn't need him anymore, or that he broke all ties with me and his old life so severely that he forgot that his little boy was on my side of the bridge he was burning. Or simply, that I could not let him go...because he was mine.  I suppose, because of our protracted break-up, I am now coming into terms with the fact that I have feelings for M, that I am still hurting, and that I am a long way of being healed. This was my first D/s relationship and such, it's the most intense relationship I've ever been. I think we both hurt each other unintentionally because frankly, we just fumbled along with this. And to tell you the truth, I really didn't know what I was doing. Does anyone?

I really don't want to let M's little boy go. I still love him. I want to mother him like he should have been. That little boy is very special to me. I keep him very close to my heart. But after that morning, I wonder, is it healthy for me to keep him? After all, he is not mine to keep...is he? He belongs to M, whether M wants him or not.

After asking much needed advice to my friends, I decided that I need a ritual to talk to this little boy, to show him how much I love him, to set him on his way back to M. Yet, I have a hard time trying to do this. Again, there is a part of me that is reluctant to let him go. But the other part of me thinks this is silly.  There is no such thing as a presence.  All of this is just a convenient way of denying myself what really is going on...that I'm not over M.  The little boy is just a metaphor for M, that M is with someone else, and the fact that he doesn't love me anymore still hurts me.

Nevertheless, I still "feel" that this little boy is with me. I can still feel his presence and I think he feels lonely and abandoned; The very conditions that brought him to existence to begin with.  Perhaps the little boy is with me because I feel that way too. Convenient delusion or not, we both need closure. So I must do this. I want to do this correctly, but I'm not sure how.

 

Intermezzo No. 1

So, there have been some minor skirmishes since I last written here. All of it at work. Despite still having a job and managing to survive, I'm still sort of feel confused and very discombobulated over it. Just when I thought things have settled for me there, people and events keep coming to me that makes me wonder if there are more to come. I still think that there is more to this that I'm not seeing. The universe has been insisting that I am on the right path. It's just that at the moment, I don't see the big plan. Or, perhaps, I am to forge ahead in order to move the story forward.  

Despite this veil, a couple of things have come up that have let me see a few steps on my path.  I'm going to write these in two posts, just so that I can give them both the time and space it deserves.

 

In the meantime, I guess I'm just going to let you all know that I'm doing rather well, even with all the drama at work. My home life is relatively stable and still very positive. My roommate is wonderful and I've gotten to know my neighborhoods intimately, by first eating through it, then walking miles and miles of it. One day, I will start running it.

I want to thank you for your patience on me not writing in awhile; The universe seems to have designs for me that I must heed.  In the meantime, a musical interlude that sums up what I've been feeling.  Enjoy :)