So the entity that is M and I are no more.
I could tell you how I've been feeling for the past few months, or I can describe what has or has not transpire between the both of us, but at some point the details doesn't matter.
The short story is that poly did what it's suppose to do; expose the weaknesses, the bullshit, that patience and grace can't fix. As much as I want to blame M, I own my shit to the demise of this relatioinship. In the end, we grew apart, and as someone said on Fetlife a few days ago, we became incompatible at this moment.
He is in love, but not with me. And I am alone.
Though this alone-ness feels very different. For one thing, I've decided to ask for help, from strangers, from friends, from people I've met once. And surprisingly, they didn't shun me or ignore me. Then I asked the universe for guidance, and it told me to open my heart to it. For once in my life I don't feel empty (or at least less empty), but Love and Equanimity. Love for myself. Love for the universe and the world. And its telling me to forgive, to give M kindness. After all, these past 4 years (Sorry, but I'm considering this year a wash) was not all that bad. I like to think we've learn things about ourselves from this.
There are moments, when the floods of "should-of" and "could-of" engulfed me and despair was all I felt, as my tears fall uncontrollable and without end. But as much as I still love and care for him, it's time to let him go.
I will end this post with one more indulgence from the universe, and it's this: To make this transition to be smooth, with loving kindness, for the both of us.
