The State This Blog is In

I initially started two hefty posts last night, only to be left on the wayside because of frustration. One of the posts was regarding a mid-morning tryst with M, in its explicit detail of our many wanton couplings that make wonderful daydream material for me, and erotic fodder for everyone else. The other posts was about other blogs (on blogger) I found within a span of an hour, whom share the same space as I about relationships, sex, and divorce/marriage. It was to be a springboard about my thoughts about marriage and sex, however, I couldn't keep up with the energy required for me to write such a weighty topic (which BTW, I can't seem to do lately).

The only reason why I'm writing this post at all is because I feel the need to write, and my (becoming older) body is conspiring against me. Incidentally, I wish I can tell you that my aching body is due to acrobatic mind-blowing sex, but its not. [I'm learning to juggle, and dropping balls and picking them up in constant motion can wreck your thighs...who knew!?!]

So its become apparently to me that as much as I want to write about sex in both the carnal and cerebral sense, I'm running into a (creative) wall. One big factor is motivation. I no longer feel the need to display my life in great detail on the internet. My old self not only brazenly displayed her naked self for the purpose of generating desire from anonymous men, but I also revealed my details of my illicit love affair, as well as bare my inner most thoughts. My current self, however, not so much.

On the other hand, I do want to describe the sensations M and I generate when we are in the throes of passion, in full glorious detail. I realize that public displays of gloating in real life would only invite ridicule and scorn, even in such a sex-positive neck of the woods where I live in. Honestly, what is a "socially" acceptable way to gloat but write anonymously on a blog. But the written word has betrayed me. The usual metaphors I've used in the past rings hollow to me now. It only captures a small percentage of what really transpires between us. For me, to say the M and I have incredible sex is such a gross understatement. Those blissful moments with him make me extremely happy. So much so that I want to shout out to the world, to declare that I have a man who knows how to make me cum over and over again, to satiate me completely with his hard cock.

So what's the point of writing a freakin blog, if I can't either bitch about my life or tell everyone about how amazing my boyfriend is...right? [/sarcasm]

Seriously, I am questioning what direction I want to take this blog. I do know I don't want to make this blog into a "tell all" about my relationship with M. But he is part of my journey into finding myself so how could I leave him out of my blog entirely. Yet I want to tackle topics in a global sense. Can a happy medium exist in this blog to do both?

Forgive me if I am indulging my own vanities as I deconstruct my own motives of why I write here. I think I write here as a creative outlet, as a way to make sense of what is my life, to declare my feelings in real time, to connect with others. I don't have many readers (I only know of one person), but I write in the hopes that someone else can relate to my experiences.

It is an exercise in narcissism, I don't deny this. And the cynical will probably say that the proliferation of such blogs [and social networking sites as well] is an indication that people are selfish bastards who want attention because we cannot connect with real people in the flesh.

It's like life, a blog is what you want to make of it. I'm really hoping I can be more coherent in my future posts. I just wanted to acknowledge my ambivalence, own it, deal with it.

Infidelity with some perspective

I would love to address that last post, but the moment is gone (for the time being). What I really want to do is address a different topic, and I promise its about sex again :)

I've had some conflicting thoughts in my head about my bouts of infidelity. Namely, how horrible my ex-lover treated me in the end. No. Let me be clear, he didn't treat me badly as much as it was going to its bitter conclusion. Because on hindsight, I knew what I was getting into, yet believed it was going to be something else.

Let me preface what I'm saying with what I was thinking today. As usual, at work, I was engaging in something extremely mundane, data entry into a spreadsheet again. Instead of the usual happy thoughts of M and I, I ended up thinking about how I regretted my bouts of infidelity and the choices I made. How I let myself feel all giddy and "in love" I was, when all along, it was just a game. I felt like a fool, or more importantly a tool to my desires.

I came home into my warm apartment, slipped into a slip of fabric with elastic straps holding the whole thing up on my shoulders, feeling rather horny. Once again, I find myself looking at Fleshbot. Instead of porn I found this.

Aw! Now my brain remembers why I had a lover for six months, despite risking exposure and humiliation.

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For some reason or another, or is it a matter of statistics, the ex and I found ourselves surrounded by friends touched by infidelity. Even the ex himself had his own encounter, sleeping with a married woman a year prior to meeting me. The outcome of his affair didn't come out well. The cuckold husband tried to seek him out, only to physically hurt the wrong man. The ex took it as a sign to find someone to settle with permanently. We knew of many couples split due to infidelity, only to be the most judgmental proponent of fidelity in marriage.

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Fast forward several years, and here I am dealing with the aftermath of my own affair. As part of the process, I made this blog. But as much as I regret having an extramarital affair, I have to accept that much of it was extremely alluring. Well, for one thing, I don't know anyone who wouldn't find such clandestine encounters with a lover to be extremely erotic. The sex was very good because it was rushed, and focused and not what we were getting at home. I felt like a viably sexy woman, having a man want me for my body, for all the things I did to him. Like the lovers in that blog, we both felt exhilarated and special, despite the risks we took, despite how it ended.

I know the last time I spoke about my infidelity I was in a vulnerable place, still placing the pieces of my life together and reconciling the hurt and anger. Honestly, I'm not sure if enough time and space has transpired to speak about this in a rational way. But, to deny that...yes...I found some pleasure in it would be lying.

Despite how some people like to treat it as if only horrible people ever engaged in this behavior, a lot of people have had bouts of infidelity. Whether some people use it as a stop gap measure to get the needs they don't otherwise get in their marriage (like my lover) or a sign that perhaps it was time for me to go (like me perhaps), people will seek out a way to fulfill their needs sexually. I am not advocating that having an extramarital affair is the best thing out there since sliced bread, but it happens more than you think, and there's nothing you can do to stop people who are seeking it.

I wish the couple in that blog well. I remember having to find happiness in small increments, giving into my lust in strange hotel rooms, speaking to my lover in hushed tones. But that was then.

So much for my serious discussion about gender orientation...all it did was make me horny!

I know...I seem to write in bursts. And I haven't written about sex in awhile.

My latest "project" at work, data-entry into spreadsheets, tend to have my brain to daydream about...well, frankly, about sex. This morning was no exception. Usually my object of "desire" is M, and the many naughty things we do realized or otherwise. But I do get cerebral in my thoughts about sex. And today, I thought, "Well, could I sleep with a woman?"

Its not that I am unsure of my sexual orientation. I've described my orientation to people, often coyly, as a flaming heterosexual. In deed, I am attracted to men. To me, I love the smell of a man, how his hands touches me, the feel of his penis in and out of me. Yes, I love how penises come in different sizes and thicknesses. I love exploring the texture of them with my tongue, having it grow in my mouth as I suck them...mmm. Did I mention how much I love fellatio? Oh my god, I could do that for hours. I just love how a penis can be both hard and soft when I'm licking and sucking it.

Oh, and lets not forget how good it feels to have a hard cock inside me. Ok, I'm a bit biased because I'm having amazing sex with M, and his penis seems to fill me an all directions that if I was a better writer I'd describe in full-detail...because I so want to gloat how fucking amazing it feels.

Sorry...I got really distracted. :) Where was I? Oh right...fucking women!

Its not a conundrum, but here's the thing, I like my porn with women in it. I know that I can't be the only straight woman who like watching girl on girl action on film, but to tell you the truth, the thought of sleeping with a woman in real life yields a response close to "eh". When it appeared that I had a really good chance to sleep with a woman (um....going to college in the San Francisco area, and knowing women that did go through a lesbian phase literally in their Freshman year), my interest level never piqued past curiosity. But, ever since I gave permission to like porn for myself (ironically my sophmore year in college more or less) I've always seeked out the girl on girl action for my, ahem, carnel edification. Now, I do like straight sex porn from time to time. I like looking at blowjobs (Yes it seems to be a running theme for me :D) and hardcore fucking scenes. But I was going through Fleshbot last night, and I was totally turned on by this.

But I really haven't answered my question. Would I?

Seriously, maybe probably not. No, this is not a cop out answer. Look, if there was a situation that I met a woman whom I was attracted to, and we were both curious, and the all the planets were aligned...then maybe. I figured out a long time ago that I was not bi-sexual, and being labeled bi-curious just didn't fit. Not to mention I hate that label...who hasn't been bi-curious at some point in their life?

Blah...this post was meant to be a serious discussion about gender orientation, and why people shouldn't care about because its stupid. Damn it, makes me want to go through my porn collection if I can find that one video of......

Social Butterfly, I?

Not to long ago, if someone mentioned that I should join MySpace, or Facebook or any other myriad of other social networking sites I would have mocked them...and taunt them even. My impression, and it still seems like this, is that of being in a high school clique. Soon memories of a socially ackward teenager emerged from hiding to haunt me. Sorry folks, anytime my dorky self at 15 comes out, its usual time to cop an attitude and leave in a melodramatic huff.

But like any social phenomena that starts on the web, I would become a victim to peer pressure. At first I started slowly with LinkIn. After all, I had just came out of a horrible bout of finding employment, and networking is key to getting a job nowadays. Soon, I linked to all the people I worked at in my lost job and started to reconnect with them there.

Then Twitter came into my life, and I found myself randomly scribing silly thoughts. The format of twitter fit my short-attention span that is my creativity, and I can "twit" from anywhere using my cell phone. I love Twitter. It challenged me as a writer to write my thoughts and hopes in 145 characters or less. And it proved to be a savior at work, where days lately have been filled with mindless tasks in front of the computer, with little human contact because work flowing into the office has trickled to a droplet. I slowly acquired some followers and followees, never in the realm of internet success, but enough for me, who in real life is extremely shy.

I became a regular on Facebook, due to happenstance. My nephew turned one, and when I saw him last, I had a conversation with his mother. She, like me, wasn't a fan of social networking sites, but it was a good way to post pictures of the baby. Since I don't get to see him very much, I very much wanted to see him grow up, if from a distance. Then M posted pictures of a ride he took from his motorcycle.

Soon, I became connected to my family and people whom I grew up with. And it dawned on me, this is why social networking sites thrive. Ok, yes for those whose social graces are more like social wallflowers than butterflies, this is a wonderful way to meet people and feel that you are not so lonely in a cold world. But for me, it was re-connecting with the people with the past, whose lives are all over country, yet close enough with a click of link. I was connecting with friends from the East Coast, my brother in the Kansas, and my cousins in the California.

Perhaps, at my time of my life, I'm starting to open up to people again from my self imposed exhile. But, its wonderful to see those whom you've havent heard from in years.