Hopes Dashed

I now understand why people choose sides, why when a divorce happens the fallout is never contained within the parties involved.

Everyone now knows how destructive my presence has been to my husband and someone reached out to me to tell me to not contact me for a week. As far as I'm concerned, I will limiting my contact with him from now on.

My prospects of him ever being a friend has been dashed. It is to be expected I suppose. However, I never expected that I had to learn to let go myself. It was wrong of me to expect this separation to be amicable. Apparently I expect too much from people.

I will leave my home of five years without much ceremony nor help. It is to be expected. Its like this was written in a soap opera, animosity, miscommunication and bitterness reigns.

As for myself, I'm tired of being judged, of having to explain myself, of wondering how people hate me, of listening to his sadness while his anger comes in tides to chastise me. I'm tired that I'm doing everything but its still not enough. Mainly I'm tired, because I'm doing all the work.

I know in time this will not hurt so much nor feel lonely. One of these days, I will feel like that I'm a good person again, like I can contribute to someone's life in a positive matter. But now, no.

Things people say

I don't have a lot of friends who have decided to reach out to me during this trial. However, the significant players in this situation still talk to me and I did get a random hello from a friend.

However, none of them really understand what I'm trying to do much less accept the things I tell them. And its equally frustrating when they are coming to me with their own agenda/motives. The things that people tell me have been both insightful and bewildering at times. Although I try not to take things to heart, its really hard to discern what people mean.

Okay...here are some blatant strange things that I've heard and my rebuttal:

"hmm...I've never been friends with an ex. I don't know if its possible"

This is an easy one. I too have never been friends with an ex. But that's not to say that I shouldn't try at least once. My husband has been part of a good chunk of my life, 14 years to be exact. There isn't a day when I don't miss him. It would be difficult to throw away a person with that much history. I still very much want for him to be in my life. I will not accept the excuse of not being able to be on friendly terms with my husband once we are separated because its never happened to other men in my life. It wasn't that bad of a marriage and for the majority of that time I was a good wife to him. And I would be proud to call him my friend if that is what he wants.

"I never realized you were high-maintenance"

Okay, for context wise, this came from my ex-lover who decided to show up on IM one day. Our break-up boiled down to 1) he yelling at me 2) me telling him to fuck off and leaving me the hell alone, 3)he texting me on my cell phone, 4) me trying to get a hold of him days following that, 5) me emailing him to tell him that we should just break up if he's going to be emotionally unavailable for me.

Yes I will admit I'm a bit high-maintenance. Fuck....IM GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. How can I not be? Emotions are running high...I am at the apex of loneliness. To expect me to be calm and collected is asking too much. I wanted a friend and thought he was one. But as anyone will tell you, you know who your friends are when you go through this.

Which begs this response from me-when people say that you are high-maintenance what they actually mean is "I really don't want to deal with you when you are in a middle of an emotional roller coaster."

I really question your lifestyle choices.

Aw...this came from the husband, when he started questioning me about my personal life. I presume that once we both agreed to separate, I could start my life as a single person. Okay...maybe the timing is off to start dating, but that statement really got to me. Namely that he thinks I'm a slut and that he has the right to judge me. It is this statement, more than anything else, that prompted me to make the decision to seek a divorce.

Because he thinks I'm flawed and that I'm not taking my life seriously. I know that this is not the time to discuss with him why I am doing this. However, he's putting me in this box without realizing that there is more to this story. If he cannot see the whole me past his blinders there is nothing I can do for him.

Reckoning

This blog's original intent was to show you the progress of untangling my old life, getting out of my marriage and into my new life. Instead, I've been reluctant to post anything personal because ...frankly...its painful and I'm still living through it.

But lately, my urge to write everything down has come back to the fore and the last time I wrote something very personal, I was coming from a bitter place.

Some time has passed, although not enough for me to gain any perspective on this. Right now, I'm juggling my busy work life and my hectic emotional home life. I have to leave my home of 4 years as soon as possible...I need to get a car....all in the matter of a week. I asked my husband for a divorce rather than just a separation because he doesn't see the person I'm trying to be, which unfortunately sent him into the pits of despair. Finally, I need to prepare the office for our winter closure while still dealing with pressing deadlines. All of this is making me quite stressful, with nothing to show for but a mind that has turned into a mush and a body that is ready to give up.

I knew that this wasn't going to be busy. And as a friend warned me, I will need to go through the pain since it's part of the process. For the most part, I know that this is good for me. Right now, I'm stuck in a fog of hurt, betrayal, and mis-understanding.

Food on the table

Do you really know how the food on your table comes from? Or how it got from the fields of the Central Valley of California to Whole Foods?

Thanks to brownfemipower, she brought us a good point. Although, she brings up feminist issues regarding migrant farm work, I think this is a human rights issue. Its almost silent in the organic, sustainable food movements that seem to have caught on.

Having been raised and lived in the central valley of California I witnessed first hand of the human side. My family arrived here from the Philippines in the early 70's and one of the earliest work they could find was picking asparagus in the fall, peaches in the summer.

One of my earliest memories was being dragged to the fields because my mother couldn't find a babysitter. I must have been 6 years old. I remember my mother taking my brother and me to the fields with her, dressed in layers even though the weather was triple digits. My mother warning us that the peaches were prickly. Having to be there at 5:30 in the morning, and leaving 12hrs later. Much later, when I was a teenager, I remember the last time I dealt with migrant farmers, this time, my mother was dating a foreman. I came to visit a camp, literally a shack, by the farm site. It housed 10-12 men, in rudimentary sleeping quarters. His job was to hire the men for the jobsite, none of them were "legal" aliens.

I am well aware of the conditions of migrant farm work. It wouldn't take very much to make the work humane. Yet, you never hear of the people who shop at Whole Foods, or insist that they are vegans take a second though about how your food gets on the table. As long as it has the "organic" tag on it its ok. This is why food is relatively cheap in this country, its why we have plenty of good produce. Its a shame that we liberals are quick to point out the slave labor in other countries, only to ignore the same conditions that is literally on our back yard.

"Secrets about Men" list insults men

I love the internet.

Some of the best writing I've encountered in a long time are bloggers that chronicle their views on sex, gender roles, and feminism.

This exceptional post on Blog of the Moderate Left really hit a nerve. One, it paints men as egotistical, small boys who don't know anything about their partners. Secondly, it was published in a predominately popular women's magazine that cater to late 20's to mid 40's ladies, Redbook.

Jeff Fecke deconstruction of the list is spot on. You might also want to check out Pandagon's take on it. Kudo's to Figleaf for highlighting those posts.

It all started with pain

Hopefully this journey will not end in pain.

A while back, a friend told me that we are not like normal people. That even though we see the truth in things and face them, we will not be thanked nor praised for it. Now that my old life is ending I see that he is right.

Because of an indiscretion, I will have to leave my marriage. That indiscretion didn't start that path, rather it was the facilitator of the demise. I now know that it caused pain on the other side. My nature is to be honest, and while at the time I thought it was what was needed. Instead it just confirmed a notion percolating in my being all of this time...that people don't want to see the truth. They don't want to hear it, see it, or face it.

Oh, there's plenty of lipservice, shrines to the truth, priests and priestesses, popes to the notion that you must know the truth and change it. But that's a lie. People don't want to know. Once you know the truth its out, you must deal with it, you must change, and change leads to turmoil. Rather live with the blinders on.

And that's my crime. To shine a light to whom are blind.

I want to live without my blinders on. I want to bask in that light. Screw everyone.