For the longest time, I thought I was very submissive with the men I had been. After all, I never viewed as someone who had any impact within a relationship. So when I started this journey into BDSM, that assumption held strong. It wasn't until I started playing, I started to embrace the power dynamics, that I realized that I had never submitted to anyone.
From the moment that I discovered I was kinky, I began exploring my submissive side. And it felt lacking. Aside from the masochistic end of BDSM, which I still love, I couldn't wrap my mind to submitting to another. It really was a Eureka moment to discover that you can be a switch. As soon as I tapped into my domme side, the concept of power dynamics, the yin to the yang, the exchange, became extremely clear for me. I was enjoying my domme side way too much, sort of neglecting my submissive side, or rather just indulging my masochistic tendencies and left it at that. Then something happened (okay a couple of things).
Well we started swinging..and holy hell, I lost control for the first time in my life. It was both frightening and exhilarating, and began to doubt that I had never submitted at all in the past. It doesn't help that I was trying to submit to men who were not inclined to the ways of d/s. But I also had some severe trust issues of my own. To submit, you must completely trust the person you are giving your power to. Looking back, I never let go..with anyone, other than M.
I'm convinced what I've done in the past was compliance and well..dominated. That is, I played along, and gave enough of me to move the relationship along, but never to give all of me. When this didn't work, I would exert some of my power, only to feel guilty. I understand now when my ex-husband accused me of having all of the power in the relationship. I did. In fact he did often defer to me but I didn't see it at the time. Also, I gave my power to someone who was unwilling to have it. But then again, he was emotionally lazy, narcissistic, and played the compliance game better than I. Wow, no wonder I never let go with him, he wouldn't have it. Oh, I'm sure with my trust issues, not to mention lack of self-confidence, didn't help. But you can now understand the frustration with my ex. Well..with most of my relationships.
I submitted to M this weekend, with only the sound of his voice, and choice words. No, truly submitted to him. My body felt weak, my mind slipped, and all I wanted was to please him. It was interesting to see my reaction, since I was completely taken by surprised. But by the end of the evening, all I wanted to do was please him, fuck him, submit to him completely body and soul. At to that end, I am finally complete. Both parts of me is now his and he is mine. And I'm happy and whole now.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Un-monogamy
Prior to the last event, M and I had talked at length about picking up random men for sex. Although, for the most part we were joking, there was an underlying truth to the whole proposal. Namely, he wanted to see me or hear me (or even to be told afterwards) be fucked by another man. He wanted to see me how I would react to another man's cock inside me, how I would cum for him, then come back to him so that I can tell him all about it, while he pounds my slutty pussy. So I was tasked to start flirting with men, have casual encounters with men. Now, on paper it was hot. We got off just fantasizing what I would be doing to all of these men, in my head. The implementation, however, left to be desired.
For one thing, I was relatively happy with M, and well...for some reason I couldn't get into slut mode. I mean I had no problem going there before I met M, so I couldn't understand why I couldn't do it now. I started having all of these doubts. What if he was a psycho? What if I can't perform (see last post for that answer)? So, I was on the phone with M one evening, lamenting about why I just couldn't get into that slut mode, why my brain wasn't cooperating. Then I remembered something I meant to tell him, oh...like months, years ago. I laughed and told him ,"I meant to talk to you about the monogamy issue in our relationship, but its all moot now".
Now I had good reason to not go there earlier. First of all, it was akin to asking if he loved me, and I still had memories when I told him I liked him more than like a few years ago. /shudder. We both were in long term monogamy relationships, that ended in infidelity, so the idea of monogamy as the de facto mode for us was a bit muddled. We even briefly talked about it when we first met, both wondering if we could ever be that way again. However, up until recently, our relationship followed the vanilla monogamy scheme. Even as we stretched our boundaries of our sexuality, we never changed that. Although, I really really wanted to broach the subject, if only for my edification. It was only when we discovered swinging, that we discovered that hey...we are fine with adding people into our relationship.
Let's clear things for the moment. We are very devoted to each other. We are very clear that we play together, with the consent of both us. We are very sure we don't want to try polyamory. What I'm talking about is monogamy in the hetero-normative sense. That monogamy is the cornerstone of any relationship, and any deviation of that norm is looked upon as suspect. It is assumed that if you are committed to one another, you don't sleep with anyone else but your partner. After I told him that statement, we delved deeper with what it meant to us. That it felt it backwards to prove that you were monogamist first. Shouldn't you get to know the person before you decide that?
What we found through swinging was this, not only did it brought us closer as a couple, but we ended up trusting each other more. How could this be you ask? Well, like BDSM, you really have to be very sure that you are both prepared, or at least talk, about how we deal with this lifestyle. We talked at length about each boundaries, what we wanted, how to do it, etc. So by the time we did it, we were able to focus on what turned us on. Okay, by our last post, we did run into some pitfalls. But we never stopped dealing with this. And that's how it should be in any relationship.
Look, I've been relationships where it was sort of agreed upon in the beginning that yes we are in a monogamy relationship, but then never talk about it after that. And if you had thoughts of other people, you were expected to squash it, and hide it so that your partner wouldn't get hurt. How do you talk to the person you love if you are forced to squash yourself, or your pain, weakness? How can it grow?
Any long-term relationship is fluid. We are all human, and we might get attracted to other people. Shaming people into monogamy never works, and its ridiculous to assume that monogamy works all of the time. Once M and I shed those unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like, we realized that we had something more special.
For one thing, I was relatively happy with M, and well...for some reason I couldn't get into slut mode. I mean I had no problem going there before I met M, so I couldn't understand why I couldn't do it now. I started having all of these doubts. What if he was a psycho? What if I can't perform (see last post for that answer)? So, I was on the phone with M one evening, lamenting about why I just couldn't get into that slut mode, why my brain wasn't cooperating. Then I remembered something I meant to tell him, oh...like months, years ago. I laughed and told him ,"I meant to talk to you about the monogamy issue in our relationship, but its all moot now".
Now I had good reason to not go there earlier. First of all, it was akin to asking if he loved me, and I still had memories when I told him I liked him more than like a few years ago. /shudder. We both were in long term monogamy relationships, that ended in infidelity, so the idea of monogamy as the de facto mode for us was a bit muddled. We even briefly talked about it when we first met, both wondering if we could ever be that way again. However, up until recently, our relationship followed the vanilla monogamy scheme. Even as we stretched our boundaries of our sexuality, we never changed that. Although, I really really wanted to broach the subject, if only for my edification. It was only when we discovered swinging, that we discovered that hey...we are fine with adding people into our relationship.
Let's clear things for the moment. We are very devoted to each other. We are very clear that we play together, with the consent of both us. We are very sure we don't want to try polyamory. What I'm talking about is monogamy in the hetero-normative sense. That monogamy is the cornerstone of any relationship, and any deviation of that norm is looked upon as suspect. It is assumed that if you are committed to one another, you don't sleep with anyone else but your partner. After I told him that statement, we delved deeper with what it meant to us. That it felt it backwards to prove that you were monogamist first. Shouldn't you get to know the person before you decide that?
What we found through swinging was this, not only did it brought us closer as a couple, but we ended up trusting each other more. How could this be you ask? Well, like BDSM, you really have to be very sure that you are both prepared, or at least talk, about how we deal with this lifestyle. We talked at length about each boundaries, what we wanted, how to do it, etc. So by the time we did it, we were able to focus on what turned us on. Okay, by our last post, we did run into some pitfalls. But we never stopped dealing with this. And that's how it should be in any relationship.
Look, I've been relationships where it was sort of agreed upon in the beginning that yes we are in a monogamy relationship, but then never talk about it after that. And if you had thoughts of other people, you were expected to squash it, and hide it so that your partner wouldn't get hurt. How do you talk to the person you love if you are forced to squash yourself, or your pain, weakness? How can it grow?
Any long-term relationship is fluid. We are all human, and we might get attracted to other people. Shaming people into monogamy never works, and its ridiculous to assume that monogamy works all of the time. Once M and I shed those unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like, we realized that we had something more special.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Losing control
So M and I finally had a chance to try soft swapping for the first time a month ago at a private party held at someone's home. And to say it was exhilarating and frightening is an understatement. Apparantly, I'm a hottie. LOL, I wish I was exaggerating. Every time M left me alone, there was a man who would come up and hit on me. I had several men look at me throughout the evening with those hungry eyes, usually reserved for M.
At first, we were shy. Everyone seemed to know everyone by name. There was a threesome in front of us in the beginning of the evening, and as more people stream into the party, they would be interrupted by people saying hello to them, never missing a beat at what was transpiring.
As the evening progressed, everyone was starting to pair off, take corners, take rooms, and well started fucking. We got into that groove as well, and we also started to fuck in front of the onlookers. It felt like we were on a stage for a minute, and M was having a hard time concentrating. He finally came inside me, but not after I took my clothes off, sans my stockings. We laid there for a moment, wondering what we should do next. After awhile, we decided to check out the back rooms. There were definitely more action there, and finally settle on one of the rooms with a water bed. We watched two couples playing each other, with both women playing with the other as their partner's cocks pound them. There was a threesome on the waterbed, doing their thing. People were streaming in and out of room to look. We managed to sneak into a space between the waterbed and closet to fuck.
I stood by the headboard and nightstand, with my hand bracing the wall, as M entered me from behind, his hard cock pounding me. I was in a cusp of orgasm, when I felt a hand caressing my breast. One of the guys on the water bed decided to help me along, while his wife was orally pleasuring both men on the bed. I came extremely hard. I thanked the man and I thought it was the end of it. However, the other man on the bed was disparately trying to get his head between my legs. M literally asked me if I was ready to go when my body decided to lower my pussy towards this stranger's head. I don't know what came over me, honestly I was thinking, "shit...I'll let you lick me if you don't break your neck trying to get to me". M didn't even question it, we were going to stay. At first he fingered my pussy. Immediately, my libido took over my reason and I wanted more, as I lowered my pussy further to his lips. He licked me gently, then biting one side of my labia then the other. His lips sliding up and down my pussy, exploring all its folds. I wanted more. I let him spread my labia lips apart so that he can explore deeper. According to M, I sat on his face, cumming so hard, being a greedy little slut.
While this was going on, there was another man, stroking his hard thick cock. Without thinking, I somehow managed to bend toward him and suck him. It was thick and meaty and I all of it in my mouth. He eventually laid down on the bed so I could give him a good sucking. Unfortunately, I couldn't make him cum because the guy licking my pussy made me cum like a banshee. All of this time, M was there behind me, flicking his cock on my ass, holding me, reassuring me, even kissed me and said he loved me. I wanted to fuck both of them. Hell, I was in a state that I would have fucked all the men in that room. Regrettably, my body couldn't stand the position I had put myself in and started to rebel. I had to stop, just when everyone was ready to fuck me; M, the guy licking me. I was in such deep subspace that I was trembling, and I couldn't stand. M took me out of the room for some aftercare. We eventually was able to get up and get dressed, but I was surprised that I was coherent and able to stand.
On the ride home, I began to panic. I had lost control to the extent that if I hadn't stopped, I wouldn't have. The revelation of that frightened me to no end. I began to ramble about this, processing this, make up new rules of play because of this. M was extremely supportive during my panic moment.
The panic subsided when we got home. M kept asking me if it was fun for me despite that. I said yes. M's perspective was equally revealing...he felt more in touch with me than he ever had. He felt no jealousy, although he did say he felt some pressure to perform. Of the activities involved, he said it was extremely arousing, something he told me later that he fantasize often.
The aftermath of this lasted a few weeks. M wanted more, but I was hesitant to jump into another party so close to the last one, while trying to get ready for the move. I eventually had a "come to Jesus" moment with him regarding my fears. The fear of losing control again, the fear of poor impulse control, the fear of the unknowns. All of this made me realize how much I craved to be devoured to sex, to my body, and how I'm willing to set aside reasoning for it. I also realized how tightly wrapped I was. And that I trusted M implicitly, how much I love him with all of my soul.
Its illuminating how, no matter how much we talk about everything prior to engaging in swinging, that we never anticipated how strong my reaction was going to be, or how much this was going to strengthened our relationship. Moving forward, we have instituted new limits to help me handle this lose of control better. For one, we play together. Another, we limit the number of men that plays with me. I know that we are still new at this, and this may change once we start full swaps. But I can be assured that M is there for me in every way, and that I can rely on him totally.
At first, we were shy. Everyone seemed to know everyone by name. There was a threesome in front of us in the beginning of the evening, and as more people stream into the party, they would be interrupted by people saying hello to them, never missing a beat at what was transpiring.
As the evening progressed, everyone was starting to pair off, take corners, take rooms, and well started fucking. We got into that groove as well, and we also started to fuck in front of the onlookers. It felt like we were on a stage for a minute, and M was having a hard time concentrating. He finally came inside me, but not after I took my clothes off, sans my stockings. We laid there for a moment, wondering what we should do next. After awhile, we decided to check out the back rooms. There were definitely more action there, and finally settle on one of the rooms with a water bed. We watched two couples playing each other, with both women playing with the other as their partner's cocks pound them. There was a threesome on the waterbed, doing their thing. People were streaming in and out of room to look. We managed to sneak into a space between the waterbed and closet to fuck.
I stood by the headboard and nightstand, with my hand bracing the wall, as M entered me from behind, his hard cock pounding me. I was in a cusp of orgasm, when I felt a hand caressing my breast. One of the guys on the water bed decided to help me along, while his wife was orally pleasuring both men on the bed. I came extremely hard. I thanked the man and I thought it was the end of it. However, the other man on the bed was disparately trying to get his head between my legs. M literally asked me if I was ready to go when my body decided to lower my pussy towards this stranger's head. I don't know what came over me, honestly I was thinking, "shit...I'll let you lick me if you don't break your neck trying to get to me". M didn't even question it, we were going to stay. At first he fingered my pussy. Immediately, my libido took over my reason and I wanted more, as I lowered my pussy further to his lips. He licked me gently, then biting one side of my labia then the other. His lips sliding up and down my pussy, exploring all its folds. I wanted more. I let him spread my labia lips apart so that he can explore deeper. According to M, I sat on his face, cumming so hard, being a greedy little slut.
While this was going on, there was another man, stroking his hard thick cock. Without thinking, I somehow managed to bend toward him and suck him. It was thick and meaty and I all of it in my mouth. He eventually laid down on the bed so I could give him a good sucking. Unfortunately, I couldn't make him cum because the guy licking my pussy made me cum like a banshee. All of this time, M was there behind me, flicking his cock on my ass, holding me, reassuring me, even kissed me and said he loved me. I wanted to fuck both of them. Hell, I was in a state that I would have fucked all the men in that room. Regrettably, my body couldn't stand the position I had put myself in and started to rebel. I had to stop, just when everyone was ready to fuck me; M, the guy licking me. I was in such deep subspace that I was trembling, and I couldn't stand. M took me out of the room for some aftercare. We eventually was able to get up and get dressed, but I was surprised that I was coherent and able to stand.
On the ride home, I began to panic. I had lost control to the extent that if I hadn't stopped, I wouldn't have. The revelation of that frightened me to no end. I began to ramble about this, processing this, make up new rules of play because of this. M was extremely supportive during my panic moment.
The panic subsided when we got home. M kept asking me if it was fun for me despite that. I said yes. M's perspective was equally revealing...he felt more in touch with me than he ever had. He felt no jealousy, although he did say he felt some pressure to perform. Of the activities involved, he said it was extremely arousing, something he told me later that he fantasize often.
The aftermath of this lasted a few weeks. M wanted more, but I was hesitant to jump into another party so close to the last one, while trying to get ready for the move. I eventually had a "come to Jesus" moment with him regarding my fears. The fear of losing control again, the fear of poor impulse control, the fear of the unknowns. All of this made me realize how much I craved to be devoured to sex, to my body, and how I'm willing to set aside reasoning for it. I also realized how tightly wrapped I was. And that I trusted M implicitly, how much I love him with all of my soul.
Its illuminating how, no matter how much we talk about everything prior to engaging in swinging, that we never anticipated how strong my reaction was going to be, or how much this was going to strengthened our relationship. Moving forward, we have instituted new limits to help me handle this lose of control better. For one, we play together. Another, we limit the number of men that plays with me. I know that we are still new at this, and this may change once we start full swaps. But I can be assured that M is there for me in every way, and that I can rely on him totally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)