So after the New Years, and after our Disneyland vacation a week later, we ended up not doing very much socially, kink or otherwise, for the next few months. Instead we became home bound, hybernated state. We also both experience short periods of...blahness? I wouldn't call it depression, though for me depression was mixed into a feeling of malaise. I can't say if it was because our Introverted natures needed our spaces, or that on a physiological level, our bodies needed a break. I really can't blame the weather this time. This winter seems to be schizophrenic, with some days looking like it should be summer. As a matter of fact, its colder now, in early April, than it was the first of January.
This state of ours was starting to worry M, because my libido, in general, was at a very low place. At some point, I think he was worried that it might have to do with him. I assured him that it wasn't; however, that didn't stop him from feeling inadequate. I knew for a fact that I was not myself. I don't think that my work situation helped. I had several tight deadlines during the month of February, with things just going wrong on every turn.
And, to be honest, I think I was still working out all of this poly stuff in my head. Eh, I don't know why I've been hyper-obsessed about all of this, though I think this is the one instance where learning more about a subject and reading other people's experience on polyamory did not alleviate my fear, my concerns. In fact, I just wanted to rebel with the conventional wisdom. Usually when I get this way, it means that I've been over analyzing all of this, and I just needed to walk away. So, I stopped reading the forums on Fetlife and stopped reading my messages that was culminating in my OkCupid mail box. Instead I focused on the one question that matter the most to me, What I wanted? Well, to answer that question I looked to my past.
I kept referring back to my past lovers, specifically two of them, one in my youth, the other while I was married. Both relationships were very different, but occupied a very special time and space for me that I would never trade in the world. Despite its tenuous nature, I was blessed to have "loved" (perhaps not in the traditional sense) these men.
In this introspection, I came to realize was that this is what I wanted out of all of this, peak experiences with individuals, that both engaged my body and my spirit. I could be intimate with this person for two weeks or two lifetimes. This person could be my lover, my submissive, my dominant and also a friend that would impact my life, in any way. I don't mean to imply to say that I want to collect people for its own sake. But if people came along in my life that was there for a reason only the universe knows, I don't want to deny them. Life is too short, love is limitless, and I become a better person with them in my life. Look, I know who I am. I own my shit. I have my boundaries for a reason. And I still love M. He is my anchor in life and love. Yeah, this is complicated. Let it be, I never took the easy route before.
Okay, so lets bring this back to the here and now. M and I have turned a corner, and our need to be social again is back. Along with our libidos. Yay! I don't think we are done wrestling with this topic of Poly. But then again I don't think this gets easier. Maybe. All I know is that we will be back to being our kinky selves, as soon as video game releases are out, a certain dungeon gets back inline, and life in general settles back to normal. /shrug Well its a start.
