My life is in constant state of flux at the moment but rather than be in anxiety mode, which in my past was my default mode, I'm not panicking. I am not apathetic, I care deeply whats going on, but rather sort of stoic about it, as if I'm able to step back and see it critically. That is to say that it hasn't been an easy road for me to get to here, but this is not my usual M.O. at all.
Okay, here's whats going on. M and I have cemented our decision to forward our relationship by deciding that we should live together. We are in earnest to finding a place, putting our resources together, and making plans to make this happen. Now, for most people, this would be a forgone conclusion and thus not a big deal. After all, we've been a couple for the past three years. However, because of our past histories, our personalities and our (little) tolerance for change, this was a huge undertaking to even get to this point.
We both had to be brutally honest with each other, expose our soft underbellies, tell the other our deep dark secrets. Now, its not like we were lying to each other. On the contrary, we do talk! However, its hard to broach hot button topics, things that you yourself don't want to deal with, or are afraid of what the other will think of you, even with the ones you love. We are all human, we all want to be loved and want reassurance from the other. But the fear is there and it is huge, so I can understand why you would hide stuff from your lover. So it took a huge amount of courage for me to disclose my secrets, as well as for him to do the same. We both knew this was important we do this before we moved in together, and it has only re-affirmed, for me at least, that living with this man is what I want to do.
Along the way, we both discovered other aspects of our kink and how it relates to our relationship. Since the last time I wrote in this blog, I've discovered that not only I have this side of me that is a masochist, but also that I want to be objectified as slut, and that M likes to be cuckold. I've also transitioned as a switch, and discovered that I am a capable top for M. In return, M has allowed me to use his body and mind to do with as I please, which at the moment means denying him pleasure. At this juncture, I am still trying to figure out what type of a dominant I am, but M is a patient partner in whatever endeavor I am exploring.
So how does my BDSM exploration have to do with all of this? Well, for me, its given me the self-confidence to face my fears, and to take on what comes my way has a challenge rather than a struggle. Without this self-confidence, I probably would have a different outlook, a reactive one rather than a proactive one, regarding the changes that lay ahead. And also, our explorations with our kink have deepened us as a couple on an emotional and spiritual level, as well as solidify our love for one other.
For example, in my not so distant past, I would have thought that even thinking about adding another person for a threesome in our relationship would weaken our relationship. But that hasn't been the case at all. M not only encourages my slutiness, but we have grown closer because of this. I can honestly say that I'm not sure how this came to be, but it is so, and I love M for this.
Thus this is my life at the moment. We are both have our trepidations about all of this and its understandable to be a little afraid of the unknown. But I feel that this is the right path for our relationship, and that we are doing this with open eyes, minds and hearts.
