I can't decide whether to blame the non-summer weather here where I live, my hormones, or a myriad of excuses I can come up with. But I'm a bit depressed.
Lately, my insecurities have taken a hold of me, making me think that I'm not worthy of M's love and attention. That he will find out how I'm not terribly smart, or experienced. That I'm a not as interesting as I claim to be. Poor wonderful M, whose body I crave at night, whose presence sooth my restless mind, he comforts me by just thinking about him. Yet in this short paragraph, I have reduced our relationship to a superficial level just to cure my doubts. It's embarrassing to come to this irrational and egotistical action. But I'm human, and can be plagued with envy and fear.
People talk of "belonging" to each other as if that's what happens when you're in a relationship. That somehow, that this togetherness is a goal, something that you possess, like a house or a job. But the truth is, people are not objects to hold up and display for public consumption. I've always felt extremely uncomfortable when I or someone use this term, even when used jokingly.
Because I've seen this notion of "belonging" to its bitter conclusion...I've been in a relationship where that sense of belonging was a strong, steadfast rule. "I" was his, therefore he can manipulate me to whatever his wishes and desires dictated. "I" was not a woman, but a doll to bring out to friends and family, then discarded me when he didn't need me, with the stipulation that I'd be conveniently close for his perusal. Then, instilling fear into my psyche that no one else will love me, because this "belonging" is the best I'll ever have. If you think I'm talking about an abusive relationship, where the relationship itself was about power over another human being, I am.
To be clear, I am not talking about my ex-husband, although he had his own issues with possession. His own fragility manifested itself with less malice, but he always seemed to draw from that well. He was always verbalizing that I was not worthy for him. But after years of this, it seemed apparent that the only way to boost his ego was to be the underdog, to be the victim. Its hard to love someone, when you've been deigned as a goddess on a pedestal.
Yet here I am, dealing with my own green monsters.
I know that I have to deal with my insecurities...that I must deal with them alone. To conquer my insecurities is to deal with my fears and be honest with myself. To love with awareness, with kindness and an open heart. To love myself and the world, so that in turn I can love M for the man he is. I want to be with him to explore this moment of time.
