Yesterday was a very good day for me. M and I decided to hang out at a park and throw the frisbee. After a good round of that, we laid on the grass, feeling the mid-day breeze flow through us. Watching copious butterflies fly above us, while the blooming trees around us shower us with their petals, reminding us that its spring. Kissing and holding each other out of love, enjoying the simplicity of the day. We both were struck how romantic this was. We even commented once again that evening on our daily phone chats.
Its one of those moments, if I was so inclined, that I just wanted to tell strangers how deliriously happy I am.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Incomplete Circle
In my past life I used to post naked pictures of myself on the interwebs...anonymously of course. I would flirt with men mostly online, at first through World of Warcraft, then through the comments of my naked pictures. Some did make it offline, although most of the men I did flirt with became friends of mine and/or were doing it in the name of fun. I have admitted, on this blog and elsewhere, that I am a highly sexual person and that I consider my sexuality a big part of my life.
Now that I'm in a relationship I no longer feel the need to post those pictures, nor flirt with anonymous men online. One would argue that since I'm getting all that and more in my relationship, I no longer need to seek it. But I do bust out with the camera when I am in the mood. And I, along with alot of men and women, do want to "get off" and seek instant gratification (i.e. PORN) online. Lately, my exhibitionist tendency has waned.
Yet, I'm still grapling with the "why" I did what I did.
When I was going through couples therapy with my ex-husband, there were a few theories flying around to explain my "behavior". One of which was that since we couldn't concieve a baby, I was seeking ways to "reclaim" my womanhood. The other? That I was in an abusive relationship years ago, where he took advantage of me being so sexually curious and young, and that I hadn't dealt with those issues. I'm not saying that therapy itself was bullshit, but honestly, all of this just made me feel like it was all me and that I was seriously "fucked up". Never mind, that maybe my ex-husband wasn't satisfying me sexually or that we didn't necessarily share similar goals for our marriage.
Nonetheless, it still rattles me that I'm constantly having to justify, even to myself, that being a highly sexual person is OK. That its not deviant or strange to want these things, to have it in my relationship. And even as I write this (and what limited my audience is to my blog) I'm having to say that "see I'm not always an exhibitionist" just to normalize who I am.
Is it too much to ask to want these things? Just be happy with my own skin? Does the feeling to justify your life ever go away?
Now that I'm in a relationship I no longer feel the need to post those pictures, nor flirt with anonymous men online. One would argue that since I'm getting all that and more in my relationship, I no longer need to seek it. But I do bust out with the camera when I am in the mood. And I, along with alot of men and women, do want to "get off" and seek instant gratification (i.e. PORN) online. Lately, my exhibitionist tendency has waned.
Yet, I'm still grapling with the "why" I did what I did.
When I was going through couples therapy with my ex-husband, there were a few theories flying around to explain my "behavior". One of which was that since we couldn't concieve a baby, I was seeking ways to "reclaim" my womanhood. The other? That I was in an abusive relationship years ago, where he took advantage of me being so sexually curious and young, and that I hadn't dealt with those issues. I'm not saying that therapy itself was bullshit, but honestly, all of this just made me feel like it was all me and that I was seriously "fucked up". Never mind, that maybe my ex-husband wasn't satisfying me sexually or that we didn't necessarily share similar goals for our marriage.
Nonetheless, it still rattles me that I'm constantly having to justify, even to myself, that being a highly sexual person is OK. That its not deviant or strange to want these things, to have it in my relationship. And even as I write this (and what limited my audience is to my blog) I'm having to say that "see I'm not always an exhibitionist" just to normalize who I am.
Is it too much to ask to want these things? Just be happy with my own skin? Does the feeling to justify your life ever go away?
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