I've been wanting to write something other than the progress of my new life but somehow I was in the middle of living it and thus any opportunity to write about it passes without so much as a hint nor hide. But I've been thinking about this topic for awhile now, namely because it refuses to go away. The topic is, of course, on Love. Far be it for me to add any type of insight to this, especially since I'm not particularly an objective observer. But this is the internet, hasn't stopped anyone with a keyboard to espouse anything for lack of information or obvious bias.
I thought I knew what Love was, even when I was leading two separate lives about two years ago. At the moment, its been harder for me to pin down what Love means to me. I guess I can try to describe Love...and for me it's something akin to a black hole. Its a force of nature, expansive in both mass and scope. This expansion is what I think people feel when they refer to "being in love". It fills you...like you can do anything yet make you insignificant at the same time. It is both inside you and outside you, a force that you are compelled towards regardless if you are ready to deal with it or not, looking for love or hiding behind a hard exterior trying to avoid it. However, like most black holes, that expansiveness becomes unsustainable, contracting under its own weight and force, leaving nothing but your own vulnerability.
And after a few months into my single-hood, I had to concede...Love became a casualty like anything tied to my old life and that I was having no part of it in my new life. Oh so I thought.
At first I was extremely hesitant to even face this emotion. Frankly, I had been here before, to feel that expansiveness intimately, only to be betrayed by my own heart. This betrayal has only left me doubtful and distrustful of my own emotions...still am. But I could no more control my feelings as I could control the barriers that presented itself in my old life. So once again I'm having to redefine Love...dismantle my prior history and try to assign new meaning to it.
However incomplete this is my own take on Love and it is thus; You can no more control when you fall in and out of love. You can't convince the other person to love you with the same intensity you put into it. But Love can not be denied. So, given that nature, my compromise is this...to not stop those feelings nor change the situation to what you think it should be. Rather, to love with awareness...to accept the moment even if its not reciprocated. To not think of the timing or where it will lead, but to let it be.
I know, its a cop-out and for the astute it sounds more like "love the one your with". This is where I'm coming from...there are too many people who've never experienced Love, in all its incarnation...and I've been blessed to have been loved deeply. Even though I am no longer with the man whom I thought was the Love of my life, I don't ever regret the time I spent with him. I was expecting this type of Love to come into my life once. But when you are given another chance, should I shun it because I am at my most vulnerable? I don't know. I suppose any self-respecting person will tell me I should let it go.
No matter how fleeting this round of love is for me, or how based on reality it is...I have to accept it regardless of the consequences. It may crush me, or morph into something deeper. I prefer that I was given a crack at it, and have known the object of my affection, fill the void of loneliness if only for a brief time, than not experience it.
