Fear and Doubt

I had a moment of sad clarity as I saw my husband again last Friday. It was our bi-weekly financial talk and as we tried to relate to each other as individuals he asked me if I had decided if I wanted to get a divorce or just a separation. As soon as I verbally confirmed that, yes indeed, I wanted a divorce a wave of emotions washed over me.

I started to doubt everything I had done up to the point of the discovery of my digression. All of the sudden, I just wanted to erase the progress I had made. To return to my old life, to return to being a wife to my husband. I wanted to erase all of the hurt I had done to him and to myself.

Then another odd emotion gripped me just as those doubts began to fade: Jealousy. I had never been jealous of my husband's attention. For the most part, he never gave me any reason to do so. But that evening, I began to feel jealousy of all the women he will meet, of all the time he will spend with them.

Now I know, that jealousy is a symptom of insecurities of oneself. Curiously, my own fears and doubts gnawed on my own insecurities. Insecurities of failure, of making the wrong decisions, of taking on more than I can handle.

I want to say that it has abetted, but the truth is...is that I'm afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid that maybe I really can't make it on my own. And that I threw away my last chances of happiness in a mistaken pursuit of independence.

I have to trust the unknown.

My husband keeps reiterating that he might meet someone who wouldn't approve of his friendship of his ex-wife. And although I think he deserves more than that, I have to accept that he may never accept me as his friend. Of all the things I'm fearful of...it is that possibility.

I have to embrace "failure" and face my fears if I am to learn from my mistakes. The proposition scares me more than being alone.

Home

I am now settled in my new home now. It is fully furnished, albeit a few empty boxes scattered among my new and old furniture. I think its to my liking now.

My routine is now fully established. I get up in the morning. Take a shower. Walk to the bus stop and get on the BART to get to work. In the evenings, I walk or take the bus home. Cook dinner. Get ready for bed, and prepare my lunch for the next day. Even my cat is now used to her new surroundings. She prowls every precious square inch of my little apartment as if she is the queen of her territory.

I am debating whether I should get cable, but the lack of quality programming on both the local and national channels prevent me from making that decision.

As I find myself in a state of domesticity, I find that my mind wonders to that territory of fear and doubt. (I will explain myself in full detail in my next post.) But there is always something for me to do so my mind doesn't stray for very long. As a single woman, I am having to rely solely on my own devices and what would take minutes for a couple often takes an hour alone.

Yes, home is where you place it and this is where I will be for awhile.