The days of the calender recede closer to the end of May when I have to leave this house. I will miss this place despite what has transpired between M and I. In a way, I will miss how much space it gave me, the flowers in the front yard, its potentiality and promises. M had started packing months before I, and I am constantly reminded that this will end, by the boxes that has invaded our home. Then again his journey begins with a drive across country and mine will begin from square one. I am very anxious because I still need to find a place to call home; however, I've never felt so full of hope. For the first time of my life I am looking forward to living my life on my own.
Not that I am not living my life. That is the misnomer. Even in transition you are constantly living your life. The universe doesn't stop for you just because you're not ready.
At this moment of time I've put my kinky pursuits on hold. I had to put on hold a friend turned kinky playmate, because my attentions have been busy at work and trying to get myself settled. Thankfully, my libido passed a test a couple of months ago; That I am not ruled by it like I was a few years ago. That there is not this immediate need for me to fulfill it. Although I was (and still am) turning heads and attracting a certain person at work, my libido isn't my entire focus of my life right now. Ironically enough, it's my creativity, my writing, my music. I like to think that once I get settled I can focus on more carnal matters. But I doubt it. The small goals I want to accomplish in the very near future is to finish a story, see if I can write an article and write a series of blog posts regarding observations of monogamy.
That is not to say that I am entirely alone. In fact, I am enmeshed in my secondary's family. For the sake of simplicity, and moving forward, I will call him JN. He is more than my secondary, he is more than the Dominant I am dating, he has been support in all of this and I can't thank him enough. It was through him that I am experiencing how Poly is just more than having more than one sex partner, it is having a network of support, a family, that love you. Then there is my extended kinky friends who has given me the space to work out my shit, then welcome me with open arms whenever they've see me again. I've been more expansive than I've ever been and the thought of doing this alone is unfathomable.
I am also playing this game with someone. It's just a game because we can't pursue each other, not without a lot of resistance. It's game of how my sexual energy intertwines with his, who's energy will prevail, who will make the first move. Despite my better judgment, I am a full participant of this game. Because I'm curious, it's hot and I want to see if this leads someplace. The universe is telling me to be patient on this one, don't force it, enjoy the ride even if nothing else happens. And that is what I intend to do :)
LOL, when I started this blog, all I wanted to do was hide, not disturb what was, and leave with as little notice as possible. Now...bah...I don't care. I need to be surrounded by people. I want to tell my story. I want sing the blues (but not in a sad way). And despite needing to find the time to find a new home, all I want to do is be surrounded by people who love me, and the songs and stories that inspire me.
So I will be taking this blog on a slight detour. I want to write seriously about Monogamy vs Polyamory. Not that one is better than the other, but more like observations I've noticed since I've become poly, and how things from one relationship model brings light on issues on the other, and vice versa. Besides, this is me trying my hand at "serious" topics not necessarily tied to something to my life. Okay, that's a lie. Essentially I am a diarist, and my writing will always be tied to me in one form or another.
That's it for now. Wish me luck.
