Prior to the last event, M and I had talked at length about picking up random men for sex. Although, for the most part we were joking, there was an underlying truth to the whole proposal. Namely, he wanted to see me or hear me (or even to be told afterwards) be fucked by another man. He wanted to see me how I would react to another man's cock inside me, how I would cum for him, then come back to him so that I can tell him all about it, while he pounds my slutty pussy. So I was tasked to start flirting with men, have casual encounters with men. Now, on paper it was hot. We got off just fantasizing what I would be doing to all of these men, in my head. The implementation, however, left to be desired.
For one thing, I was relatively happy with M, and well...for some reason I couldn't get into slut mode. I mean I had no problem going there before I met M, so I couldn't understand why I couldn't do it now. I started having all of these doubts. What if he was a psycho? What if I can't perform (see last post for that answer)? So, I was on the phone with M one evening, lamenting about why I just couldn't get into that slut mode, why my brain wasn't cooperating. Then I remembered something I meant to tell him, oh...like months, years ago. I laughed and told him ,"I meant to talk to you about the monogamy issue in our relationship, but its all moot now".
Now I had good reason to not go there earlier. First of all, it was akin to asking if he loved me, and I still had memories when I told him I liked him more than like a few years ago. /shudder. We both were in long term monogamy relationships, that ended in infidelity, so the idea of monogamy as the de facto mode for us was a bit muddled. We even briefly talked about it when we first met, both wondering if we could ever be that way again. However, up until recently, our relationship followed the vanilla monogamy scheme. Even as we stretched our boundaries of our sexuality, we never changed that. Although, I really really wanted to broach the subject, if only for my edification. It was only when we discovered swinging, that we discovered that hey...we are fine with adding people into our relationship.
Let's clear things for the moment. We are very devoted to each other. We are very clear that we play together, with the consent of both us. We are very sure we don't want to try polyamory. What I'm talking about is monogamy in the hetero-normative sense. That monogamy is the cornerstone of any relationship, and any deviation of that norm is looked upon as suspect. It is assumed that if you are committed to one another, you don't sleep with anyone else but your partner. After I told him that statement, we delved deeper with what it meant to us. That it felt it backwards to prove that you were monogamist first. Shouldn't you get to know the person before you decide that?
What we found through swinging was this, not only did it brought us closer as a couple, but we ended up trusting each other more. How could this be you ask? Well, like BDSM, you really have to be very sure that you are both prepared, or at least talk, about how we deal with this lifestyle. We talked at length about each boundaries, what we wanted, how to do it, etc. So by the time we did it, we were able to focus on what turned us on. Okay, by our last post, we did run into some pitfalls. But we never stopped dealing with this. And that's how it should be in any relationship.
Look, I've been relationships where it was sort of agreed upon in the beginning that yes we are in a monogamy relationship, but then never talk about it after that. And if you had thoughts of other people, you were expected to squash it, and hide it so that your partner wouldn't get hurt. How do you talk to the person you love if you are forced to squash yourself, or your pain, weakness? How can it grow?
Any long-term relationship is fluid. We are all human, and we might get attracted to other people. Shaming people into monogamy never works, and its ridiculous to assume that monogamy works all of the time. Once M and I shed those unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like, we realized that we had something more special.
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