I initially started two hefty posts last night, only to be left on the wayside because of frustration. One of the posts was regarding a mid-morning tryst with M, in its explicit detail of our many wanton couplings that make wonderful daydream material for me, and erotic fodder for everyone else. The other posts was about other blogs (on blogger) I found within a span of an hour, whom share the same space as I about relationships, sex, and divorce/marriage. It was to be a springboard about my thoughts about marriage and sex, however, I couldn't keep up with the energy required for me to write such a weighty topic (which BTW, I can't seem to do lately).
The only reason why I'm writing this post at all is because I feel the need to write, and my (becoming older) body is conspiring against me. Incidentally, I wish I can tell you that my aching body is due to acrobatic mind-blowing sex, but its not. [I'm learning to juggle, and dropping balls and picking them up in constant motion can wreck your thighs...who knew!?!]
So its become apparently to me that as much as I want to write about sex in both the carnal and cerebral sense, I'm running into a (creative) wall. One big factor is motivation. I no longer feel the need to display my life in great detail on the internet. My old self not only brazenly displayed her naked self for the purpose of generating desire from anonymous men, but I also revealed my details of my illicit love affair, as well as bare my inner most thoughts. My current self, however, not so much.
On the other hand, I do want to describe the sensations M and I generate when we are in the throes of passion, in full glorious detail. I realize that public displays of gloating in real life would only invite ridicule and scorn, even in such a sex-positive neck of the woods where I live in. Honestly, what is a "socially" acceptable way to gloat but write anonymously on a blog. But the written word has betrayed me. The usual metaphors I've used in the past rings hollow to me now. It only captures a small percentage of what really transpires between us. For me, to say the M and I have incredible sex is such a gross understatement. Those blissful moments with him make me extremely happy. So much so that I want to shout out to the world, to declare that I have a man who knows how to make me cum over and over again, to satiate me completely with his hard cock.
So what's the point of writing a freakin blog, if I can't either bitch about my life or tell everyone about how amazing my boyfriend is...right? [/sarcasm]
Seriously, I am questioning what direction I want to take this blog. I do know I don't want to make this blog into a "tell all" about my relationship with M. But he is part of my journey into finding myself so how could I leave him out of my blog entirely. Yet I want to tackle topics in a global sense. Can a happy medium exist in this blog to do both?
Forgive me if I am indulging my own vanities as I deconstruct my own motives of why I write here. I think I write here as a creative outlet, as a way to make sense of what is my life, to declare my feelings in real time, to connect with others. I don't have many readers (I only know of one person), but I write in the hopes that someone else can relate to my experiences.
It is an exercise in narcissism, I don't deny this. And the cynical will probably say that the proliferation of such blogs [and social networking sites as well] is an indication that people are selfish bastards who want attention because we cannot connect with real people in the flesh.
It's like life, a blog is what you want to make of it. I'm really hoping I can be more coherent in my future posts. I just wanted to acknowledge my ambivalence, own it, deal with it.
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