I would love to address that last post, but the moment is gone (for the time being). What I really want to do is address a different topic, and I promise its about sex again :)
I've had some conflicting thoughts in my head about my bouts of infidelity. Namely, how horrible my ex-lover treated me in the end. No. Let me be clear, he didn't treat me badly as much as it was going to its bitter conclusion. Because on hindsight, I knew what I was getting into, yet believed it was going to be something else.
Let me preface what I'm saying with what I was thinking today. As usual, at work, I was engaging in something extremely mundane, data entry into a spreadsheet again. Instead of the usual happy thoughts of M and I, I ended up thinking about how I regretted my bouts of infidelity and the choices I made. How I let myself feel all giddy and "in love" I was, when all along, it was just a game. I felt like a fool, or more importantly a tool to my desires.
I came home into my warm apartment, slipped into a slip of fabric with elastic straps holding the whole thing up on my shoulders, feeling rather horny. Once again, I find myself looking at Fleshbot. Instead of porn I found this.
Aw! Now my brain remembers why I had a lover for six months, despite risking exposure and humiliation.
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For some reason or another, or is it a matter of statistics, the ex and I found ourselves surrounded by friends touched by infidelity. Even the ex himself had his own encounter, sleeping with a married woman a year prior to meeting me. The outcome of his affair didn't come out well. The cuckold husband tried to seek him out, only to physically hurt the wrong man. The ex took it as a sign to find someone to settle with permanently. We knew of many couples split due to infidelity, only to be the most judgmental proponent of fidelity in marriage.
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Fast forward several years, and here I am dealing with the aftermath of my own affair. As part of the process, I made this blog. But as much as I regret having an extramarital affair, I have to accept that much of it was extremely alluring. Well, for one thing, I don't know anyone who wouldn't find such clandestine encounters with a lover to be extremely erotic. The sex was very good because it was rushed, and focused and not what we were getting at home. I felt like a viably sexy woman, having a man want me for my body, for all the things I did to him. Like the lovers in that blog, we both felt exhilarated and special, despite the risks we took, despite how it ended.
I know the last time I spoke about my infidelity I was in a vulnerable place, still placing the pieces of my life together and reconciling the hurt and anger. Honestly, I'm not sure if enough time and space has transpired to speak about this in a rational way. But, to deny that...yes...I found some pleasure in it would be lying.
Despite how some people like to treat it as if only horrible people ever engaged in this behavior, a lot of people have had bouts of infidelity. Whether some people use it as a stop gap measure to get the needs they don't otherwise get in their marriage (like my lover) or a sign that perhaps it was time for me to go (like me perhaps), people will seek out a way to fulfill their needs sexually. I am not advocating that having an extramarital affair is the best thing out there since sliced bread, but it happens more than you think, and there's nothing you can do to stop people who are seeking it.
I wish the couple in that blog well. I remember having to find happiness in small increments, giving into my lust in strange hotel rooms, speaking to my lover in hushed tones. But that was then.
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