So the entity that is M and I are no more.
I could tell you how I've been feeling for the past few months, or I can describe what has or has not transpire between the both of us, but at some point the details doesn't matter.
The short story is that poly did what it's suppose to do; expose the weaknesses, the bullshit, that patience and grace can't fix. As much as I want to blame M, I own my shit to the demise of this relatioinship. In the end, we grew apart, and as someone said on Fetlife a few days ago, we became incompatible at this moment.
He is in love, but not with me. And I am alone.
Though this alone-ness feels very different. For one thing, I've decided to ask for help, from strangers, from friends, from people I've met once. And surprisingly, they didn't shun me or ignore me. Then I asked the universe for guidance, and it told me to open my heart to it. For once in my life I don't feel empty (or at least less empty), but Love and Equanimity. Love for myself. Love for the universe and the world. And its telling me to forgive, to give M kindness. After all, these past 4 years (Sorry, but I'm considering this year a wash) was not all that bad. I like to think we've learn things about ourselves from this.
There are moments, when the floods of "should-of" and "could-of" engulfed me and despair was all I felt, as my tears fall uncontrollable and without end. But as much as I still love and care for him, it's time to let him go.
I will end this post with one more indulgence from the universe, and it's this: To make this transition to be smooth, with loving kindness, for the both of us.
1 comment:
You pushed me away, and didn't want any of the help I offered, or my attempts to be there for you. You didn't honor our agreement, even though I spent 1.5 years dealing with you having whatever relationships you chose to have...you couldn't bring yourself to do me the same courtesy. I didn't stop loving you. You ended a five-year relationship via text message and fucked a lover -- something you couldn't for some reason deal with ME doing -- less than 24 hours later. You violated my trust by reading my private email and thinking I'm in a cult because I was interested in looking into shamanism for some help with childhood trauma (after exhausting all more conventional means of therapy), even though the lover you couldn't wait to hop into bed with after dumping me is a self-professed warlock.
And you wander around the house humming and singing and telling everyone that I'M being a dick because I can't bring myself to feel anything but anger towards you since that day (anger, by the way, whose sole manner of expression was holding my tongue whenever you're around and keeping my emotions in tight check, lest I say something out of that anger.), and you haven't even bothered to say more than a dozen words to me in the three weeks since, until tonight when I finally couldn't take it anymore and forced the issue.
That's not particularly caring. That's not kindness. That's pretty damn callous.
To sum up: Read my private email, decided to break up with me, talked me into paying $140 for symphony tickets AFTER you decided to break up with me, pretended nothing was wrong, broke up with me via text message, fucked your lover -- a lover you've had most of this year, longer than the relationship that supposedly "took me away from you" lasted...the ONLY relationship outside ours I had, while you've had, what, 5? -- less than 24 hours after the fact, and have not even had the decency to give me any sort of closure on the entire thing all this time.
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