The long complicated process of letting go...or trying to.

A few weeks ago, I woke up one Sunday to an immeasurable sadness that came over me quite suddenly and unexpectedly, as I tried to get ready to take my walk to the farmers market. As I let this sadness take over me, I sat on my bed crying uncontrollably. Eventually I made it to the farmer's market.  But when I came home, while trying to explain to someone via text what happened, I again cried. My attempt of rationalizing this sadness only lead to confusion and doubt. It became apparent that I couldn't rationalize why I felt this way.

Since I moved into this place, I always felt this presence around me. Now, let me make this clear; I prefer to use observable explanations and make analytical judgements on the world around me. I like to think that most things can be explained rationally. I do have some beliefs, but I don't think it conflicts with what is known. Nevertheless I “felt” a presence, something tugging me when my guard is down. That Sunday I think I figured out what that was. It was the shadow figure of something I invoked out of M. Something that the both of us was probably not ready to invoke.

For you see, at one point, when we were deep into our D/s period of our relationship, I found M's little boy. I think that presence is this little boy. I picture him as a young boy of five, with blond hair and big blue eyes looking at me as if waiting for answers and reassurances.  He always looks sad.

Now, I don't know if M left his little boy with me out of a deliberate decision to cut that part of his life because he didn't need him anymore, or that he broke all ties with me and his old life so severely that he forgot that his little boy was on my side of the bridge he was burning. Or simply, that I could not let him go...because he was mine.  I suppose, because of our protracted break-up, I am now coming into terms with the fact that I have feelings for M, that I am still hurting, and that I am a long way of being healed. This was my first D/s relationship and such, it's the most intense relationship I've ever been. I think we both hurt each other unintentionally because frankly, we just fumbled along with this. And to tell you the truth, I really didn't know what I was doing. Does anyone?

I really don't want to let M's little boy go. I still love him. I want to mother him like he should have been. That little boy is very special to me. I keep him very close to my heart. But after that morning, I wonder, is it healthy for me to keep him? After all, he is not mine to keep...is he? He belongs to M, whether M wants him or not.

After asking much needed advice to my friends, I decided that I need a ritual to talk to this little boy, to show him how much I love him, to set him on his way back to M. Yet, I have a hard time trying to do this. Again, there is a part of me that is reluctant to let him go. But the other part of me thinks this is silly.  There is no such thing as a presence.  All of this is just a convenient way of denying myself what really is going on...that I'm not over M.  The little boy is just a metaphor for M, that M is with someone else, and the fact that he doesn't love me anymore still hurts me.

Nevertheless, I still "feel" that this little boy is with me. I can still feel his presence and I think he feels lonely and abandoned; The very conditions that brought him to existence to begin with.  Perhaps the little boy is with me because I feel that way too. Convenient delusion or not, we both need closure. So I must do this. I want to do this correctly, but I'm not sure how.