When I came out to my ex-husband, I told him that my dating pool
just shrunk considerably. He kept telling me that I'll find someone,
and repeated that mantra to me, to reassure me. But he just didn't
get it. As a poly person, there is no “one person”. I let
it slide. It was late and I didn't have the heart to explain it.
I think I eluded to dating in the poly/kinky world in the past, but even where I live, in what seems to be kink mecca, there's not a lot of poly/kinky people out here. Actually, it's quite incestious at times. For example, my hypno/magic friend have dated two women with whom I've been acquainted with in my social circle. So yes...it's that tiny. Now, I've opened up my dating pool to include vanilla/monogamous. But as many a post in Fetlife can attest, dating vanilla/monogamous people, as a poly/kinky person, have their own set of problems. Nevertheless, I was once vanilla and monogamous, surely I'd find some who may be interested in exploring this “lifestyle”, or at the very least can get to understand what it is I am.
Making the decision to become a poly/kinky person made me realize that not only was I going to run into people who probably won't understand what this means, but that I will run into people who will judge me and disapprove. I'm ok with that. No, I haven't ran into judgy people yet; but then again, the only other person I've told about this, besides the ex-husband, is my roommate. He's the last person to ever judge me, since he's had open relationships in the past.
Because I want to be responsible about this, I need to disclose my poly/kinky status early on in the relationship, preferably in the attraction phase, before things become enmeshed. But in practice, just starting that dialogue is problematic. Many people think that just talking about the subject, ruins “the mystery” of letting the relationship unfold on its own. I will write about this odd communication quirk in another post. Suffice it to say, my own attempts at trying to do just that have failed miserably. I'm also having to screen for people with whom I can trust to tell them about my status and my instincts tell me that a lot of people couldn't handle this disclosure.
All of this brings me to my main point...that I will be in this semi-single state for awhile, and that I will have to accept that I will be alone for most of it. Okay, to be fair, I've felt alone in those last few months before I broke up with M, and I felt periods of loneliness in my marriage. It's just that what I usually do is go from one heavy-duty relationship after another, and this is the first time I haven't done so. Instead, the universe is very clear on what I need to do right now...that I need to be comfortable being alone. With my time and space not being occupied to a relationship, the universe would like me to work on myself...by creating, by being open and expansive with people and situations, and by attending to my spiritual needs.
And one of the revelations that has revealed to me recently is that I'm really not alone. On a mundane level, I have friends and lovers who love me and who are there for me. Some of them are actually vanilla folks who don't know my poly/kinky side. But most of them are my kinky friends and lovers have been supportive of me ever since the break-up. I can even add my roommate to that list. On a spiritual/esoteric level, I am never alone. All of those talks/books on Buddhism, that I've been surrounding myself for the last 9 months, have taught me that I am part of the known universe, from the smallest quark to the largest supernova. How can I say that I am alone when I keep such meaningful company!
I'm really surprised that I didn't start this whole journey of mine like this over five years ago, when I started this blog. But then again, I don't think I was ready for it. I'm not sure why I'm ready for this now. Perhaps I had to meet M in order to find the poly/kinky side of me, and now that I've found it, I'm whole? All I know is that I'm not in a rush to get into a primary relationship, although from time to time I do ponder that it would be nice to be in one. But that feeling is like childhood nostalgia, fleeting and not rooted in reality. No, I'm not obsessed with it, and I'm really loving my freedom.
I think I eluded to dating in the poly/kinky world in the past, but even where I live, in what seems to be kink mecca, there's not a lot of poly/kinky people out here. Actually, it's quite incestious at times. For example, my hypno/magic friend have dated two women with whom I've been acquainted with in my social circle. So yes...it's that tiny. Now, I've opened up my dating pool to include vanilla/monogamous. But as many a post in Fetlife can attest, dating vanilla/monogamous people, as a poly/kinky person, have their own set of problems. Nevertheless, I was once vanilla and monogamous, surely I'd find some who may be interested in exploring this “lifestyle”, or at the very least can get to understand what it is I am.
Making the decision to become a poly/kinky person made me realize that not only was I going to run into people who probably won't understand what this means, but that I will run into people who will judge me and disapprove. I'm ok with that. No, I haven't ran into judgy people yet; but then again, the only other person I've told about this, besides the ex-husband, is my roommate. He's the last person to ever judge me, since he's had open relationships in the past.
Because I want to be responsible about this, I need to disclose my poly/kinky status early on in the relationship, preferably in the attraction phase, before things become enmeshed. But in practice, just starting that dialogue is problematic. Many people think that just talking about the subject, ruins “the mystery” of letting the relationship unfold on its own. I will write about this odd communication quirk in another post. Suffice it to say, my own attempts at trying to do just that have failed miserably. I'm also having to screen for people with whom I can trust to tell them about my status and my instincts tell me that a lot of people couldn't handle this disclosure.
All of this brings me to my main point...that I will be in this semi-single state for awhile, and that I will have to accept that I will be alone for most of it. Okay, to be fair, I've felt alone in those last few months before I broke up with M, and I felt periods of loneliness in my marriage. It's just that what I usually do is go from one heavy-duty relationship after another, and this is the first time I haven't done so. Instead, the universe is very clear on what I need to do right now...that I need to be comfortable being alone. With my time and space not being occupied to a relationship, the universe would like me to work on myself...by creating, by being open and expansive with people and situations, and by attending to my spiritual needs.
And one of the revelations that has revealed to me recently is that I'm really not alone. On a mundane level, I have friends and lovers who love me and who are there for me. Some of them are actually vanilla folks who don't know my poly/kinky side. But most of them are my kinky friends and lovers have been supportive of me ever since the break-up. I can even add my roommate to that list. On a spiritual/esoteric level, I am never alone. All of those talks/books on Buddhism, that I've been surrounding myself for the last 9 months, have taught me that I am part of the known universe, from the smallest quark to the largest supernova. How can I say that I am alone when I keep such meaningful company!
I'm really surprised that I didn't start this whole journey of mine like this over five years ago, when I started this blog. But then again, I don't think I was ready for it. I'm not sure why I'm ready for this now. Perhaps I had to meet M in order to find the poly/kinky side of me, and now that I've found it, I'm whole? All I know is that I'm not in a rush to get into a primary relationship, although from time to time I do ponder that it would be nice to be in one. But that feeling is like childhood nostalgia, fleeting and not rooted in reality. No, I'm not obsessed with it, and I'm really loving my freedom.
No comments:
Post a Comment