Friends or the lack there of

I've purposely led a life of a self-imposed seclusion for the past three years because I really didn't want to discuss with anyone about my new life change, namely that I'm not married anymore. As you've probably deduced, the price I payed for trying to get my life to where I needed to go is that I came away from all this with very little friends. During this time, the only people to whom I saw with great frequency was M, my mother, and oddly enough my ex from time to time.

Also, I didn't want impose on any of my "friend" to whom I knew when I was married because I didn't want any of them to pick sides and cause any drama, which happens all too frequently with divorce situations.

Now that my divorce is finalizing, and my relationship with my ex has normalized, I'm finding that I crave platonic friendships. But something is preventing me from outright making friends, or asking the universe to show me the way...that is I've become much more Introverted now than I've ever been.

Its not that I've just discovered my introverted nature, I've known since childhood that I was this way. And no, I'm not ashamed of this nor do I want to change it. This is who I am, and it has served me well in my life. But somehow, I've always attracted Extroverts, both in platonic and romantic relationships, and somehow I became friends of friends through association rather than my will of personality.

Let me take that back. Its not that I can't socialize or make friends. The kinds of friends I make on my own tended to be either introverts (which I don't mind) or short-lived because I just never gave enough to the relationship that was required of them. Ok...here's the thing...and M is also this way so he also finds himself in this situation...I like to spend time with friends...however I need to spend time on my own. Most people find that second part off-putting because I think their reasoning is if I'm really a friend, I should be spending as much time into this relationship. For example, I think spending all of your evenings talking to one or a set of friends is too much for me. Or, the expectation that I must be doing something with this person or this group every weekend is too much. I find it draining, they find that I'm not just committed, and this whole experiment on friendship becomes an utter failure.

I've mentioned to my ex how lonely I've been a few times, and he's suggested, I should make friends just for the sake of making them. But, I don't want to make friends with people, just to add a name to my address book. If the situation was reverse, and someone became friends with me just because I happen to be there, I would be sort of angry because they think nothing of me other than a commodity. I would hope that they want to be my friends because they like me, we share common interests/ground, and want to get to know me better.

Its not that I can't commit to a friendship, and honestly, I accept alot of people for whom they are rather than what they can bring for me. I do have friendships that I haven't had any interaction for years, then is resuscitated for a brief period of time, where the signs of affection never wavered or tempered despite the inactivity, only to loose touch again and the cycle continues. It does take me along time to open up to people, however, I find that people are impatient to get the relationship going. Honestly, why the rush?

Now I have re-acquainted myself with old friends lately and I've become closer to my family, more so than I've ever been. I must admit that Facebook has been a wonderful tool in that regard.

But making new friends have alluded me. Perhaps, I am not ready for friends if I'm still really ambivalent about making a commitment to friendship. Or perhaps, the universe is telling me that its not time for me to open up and accept other people in my life. Whatever the case, it looks like I'll be in my solitude for a little bit longer.