Acceptance

Funny thing about epiphanies, things don't really change that much after having one. What they do is, hopefully, make light of a path of thinking that you were not aware of, or blocked somehow. It may be positive or negative, but its the universe way of telling you "Yo, dumbshit..this way!"

It's taking me a few weeks to process this for me what it meant to be really kinky. Part of that process was learning what the hell kinky meant. With M's assistance, I went to a beginner's class about the BDSM lifestyle. I'm not going to go bore you with the details, but I got familiar with the terms, the philosophy, what consent really meant, and the ins and outs of a dungeon. Suffice it to say, it was good. I know that I'm a Submissive Masochist. However, I hate the labels. But I will address that in another time.

Let me go back. M flogged me for the first time the weekend prior to taking that class. And I found it...exhilarating, sensual, extremely sexy, and very intimate. I discovered how much I loved being submissive, how much I needed to lose control to my body.

M had suspected that I had this streak in me. He knew this about me before I could accept this. But I couldn't see it.

Or I didn't know. Or I knew, but it didn't have a name. I had a really meaningful talk to M about this a few weeks ago. Here was what came out of it...I purposely dated strong men (either passively or overtly domineering men) who liked the submissive qualities of me. But the moment they exerted more control than what I was willing to afford them, I withdrew and try to exert some control of my own. To be fair, they didn't know I needed this. Hell, I didn't know I was such a control freak. Now you can see how confusing this can be. I don't think I was lying to them. I just thought they were threatened to my boundless libido. It was more to that.

Believe me, my own ego is to blame in this as well. You say the term submissive and you see someone who is a doormat, with no will of her own. You see, maybe women in abusive relationships, men controlling women completely. Who wants to be perceived to weak? I don't.

This revelation has been a whole paradigm shift for me, but the learning process is far from complete. And there's still some fear and confusion that I need to deal with.

Lastly, I need to thank M, for without him I wouldn't have realized this. It was his love and compassion and trust that led me here. I couldn't ask for a better companion to be with me for the rest of my journey.