Why I Identify myself as a Gamer

Sydanthra celebrating the Wintersday Holiday in GW2

For the past couple of weeks, I've been obsessed with computer parts, namely motherboards and graphics cards.  In my spare time, I would look read up on the latest gaming builds within my $750-$1000 budget. I've asked J his opinion about building a rig, set up wishlists in Amazon and NewEgg, and watched YouTube how to videos. I have a financial windfall, expecting more, and crunching the numbers on a spreadsheet, so Yes, I'm completely committed to do this.  Last Friday, I pulled the trigger and bought my peripherals (because I need them now), my case and power supply. The upgrade of my gaming computer has been a long time coming and is much needed. Unfortunately, it appears that my computer is dying, because sometimes, while I'm in the middle of playing Guild Wars 2 (GW2), my computer would crash, with something sounding like grinding metal coming from the interior of my computer.  

I'm excited like a teenager going to her first concert on the inside, but I'm finding myself reserving my enthusiasm when I talk about this to other people, aside from a few people whom I trust.  Why is that?

Out of everything in my life, I have this rush of pride and shame when it comes to this aspect of me. Like my sexuality, it's taking me years for me to be comfortable with being a gamer. I've always been geeky, an introvert, and had an appreciation of all things science fiction and fantasy.  So when it became hip to be nerdy/geeky, I embraced that label and sort of ran with it, fully knowing the past.  However gaming, mostly video gaming, is the core center of being a geek to me.  

I discovered it late in my life.  Oh, I knew about arcades and Atari's in my youth, but it was always something the guys did. Then I discovered Mario Brothers, Tetris, MUDDs, and found that I had a knack for this. I loved Diablo I and II, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, as well as the numerous platforms and puzzle games.  Then World of Warcraft came along and changed my life forever.  

I mentioned a little bit about my gaming life here, but let me add to that discussion. You see, I ended up spending all of my time on WoW, to the detriment of my marriage, then I lost control of my life. As much as I should be thankful for WoW being the instigator of what would become of my sexual journey, there is a part of me that has never recovered from that lost of control. I also reasoned that if I dated someone who understood how important this was to me, it would immune me to the shame and I can be part of something bigger. But as my relationship started to unravel with M, I realized that it's not enough to just have an understanding.  One of the very first inklings that my relationship with M wasn't working, was our incapability with each other's gaming style and not being able to reconcile a middle ground.

I game for myself now, with no expectation that my partners will game with me. I game for the enjoyment of it. It has become my sole form of entertainment, and I love the variations that games come in.  I love the social interaction when I need it, the immersive landscapes, and the mental workouts games give me. I also don't play WoW anymore, despite the hype of the new expansion. I don't have the time nor will to invest in it anymore. I want to be able to have other things in my life, such as engage in crafts, foster relationships, take my 3-mile walks, maybe take up dancing or a martial arts, and be part of the kink community. I play GW2 and Diablo III, but I'm not involved with a guild or clan that expects me to set aside my real life. I play Skyrim, and a bunch of independent games on my Steam account that has no a social component to it.  I just finished Episode 3 of Kentucky Route Zero. A video game that is part novel, part allegory, all done like a blues song if it was written by David Lynch. It's hauntingly beautiful. 

I am serious about my gaming, but it doesn't run my life anymore.

I also discovered Twitch. You will find millions of other gamers, playing for fun or profit (in tournaments). Twitch has allowed me to experience WoW without being in it and let me discover other games that I would never play but might, like FPS (First Person Shooters).  It allows me to be part of something bigger, and support gamers.  Now I am quite aware that I'm older than the demographics of the broadcaster/watchers on Twitch, and being a female on Twitch, and indeed gaming in general, can be daunting at times. Yes...women have to contend with the whole "fake geek" meme. It is getting better, still a long way to go. Baby steps misogynist gaming culture...baby steps.

Being a gamer will always be part of me. Even when I'm 90 and retired. I can picture it now, me and 19 of my retired friends raiding WoW, in the mid-afternoon of course. We wouldn't want to miss out on the early bird Prime Rib special starting at 4pm. I'm sure someone will come out with an interface that will directly hook up to our brains.