For the past 6 months, my life has been a
whirlwind of uprooting and significant changes. It started with lack of
communication, expectations lost, and me spiraling into a mini-depression,
until life pulled me out of my funk...in order to find another home. I've
experienced a break-up, hard-truths, and a plenty of uncertainty and transition
since I wrote here.
Yet, I'm finding that writing, even in my
private journals, wasn't my salvation this time around, and that I just needed
to go through whatever emotion was present at the time. It's strange, I
wonder if I was trying to hold my pain at bay when I went through my last
transition, and decided to put on a brave face. This time around, I think
whatever bravado I had to push through my pain, was not there for me, letting
myself be paralyze with my fears and doubts.
I've always had these periods of depression,
most not so bad as others. During college, I found myself in this dark
well that I couldn't get out of, and had a fleeting moment of suicide.
Thankfully, health care as a student is easy to come by, and I seek help
on my own. Most of my writings on here came from that dark place that I
sometimes occupy and I've managed to avoid therapy by writing in journals and
these posts. This time around, I couldn't hide in my words.
As much as living my own truths have
helped me in so many ways, there are some things that even my ego can't avoid.
So I found myself in a vulnerable position to deal with my shortcomings. By the
end of May, I broke up with my secondary, the munch I helped organized
disintegrate because of my lack of commitment, and I found myself in that deep
well looking up again, this time needing to be there. I ended up
questioning about Poly, about power, about friendships and about myself.
At the time it felt like I couldn't find the light, but I functioned
enough to go to work, sleep, eat, and have a relationship with my thing.
By the end of June, I was feeling myself and I managed to crawl out of
that dark well.
Thank the universe for the
timing...because as soon as I can enjoy my life again, I found out that the
landlord decided to sell the apartment building and that we had to vacate by
September 1st. So I spent my birthday finding a place. Find a place
I did....but it's not in Oakland, where I've lived for almost 15 years. I
could go on and on about the why, but essentially I became a victim of the Bay
Area Rental madness and I ended up living up north. I commuted to and
from Oakland for work for 2 1/2 weeks in the hellish I-80 rush hour traffic,
until my office relocated to Walnut Creek. I moved residences by
the beginning of August; my office moved at the end of August. BTW...I'm way done with the moving thing!
I can write now. I'm settled for the
most part and finished up some tasks to make my home a home. I love
where I live, it's very quiet and nice. I do find myself missing Oakland,
the Oakland I used to know anyway. I've also become road warrior queen, putting
in more miles in my car since I've bought it 8 years ago. The drive to
and from Walnut Creek isn't as bad as to and from Oakland, but I'm still
trying to adjust my schedule around it. Despite that, I've found that you
don't escape your thoughts while driving the freeways alone. I've already
written a few things on my journal, and talked at length with friends.
I'm considering using my cell phones as a recorder to capture my
thoughts.
That's what's going on. I'm looking
forward to my new life here and I plan more esoteric posts soon.
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