Reflections

In the course of about a month, my world decided to have its own tectonic changes, erupting my calm surface.  Literally, a few days of my birthday, M announced that he was starting a relationship with someone that I was vaguely aware of. Because of the nature of this, namely the long distance and the fact that he is currently educating her regarding kink and poly, our rules of engagement had to be a bit more flexible.  This presented an opportunity for me to experience what M had been going through for the past several months, the feeling of jealousy, envy and insecurity.

As M pointed out, these feelings came to fruition at the start of this relationship.  But to be fair, I think if his metamour was closer, I would be feeling these things as they come along.  I wrote about some of my processing here. (To summarize, about how M was better at compersion than I am, and how it was weird of me to be in the position of being jealous.)  It took me a few weeks to fully process this, until one day, something snapped in me and realized that It's going to be OK, that M still loves me.  That is not to say that I don't feel insecure from time to time.  It's just that my insecurity isn't so focused now, taking up space in my head (as people in 12-step programs would say).  

The one thing that seems to have not gone away is the self-reflection, the hard questions of what I want from poly, from kink.  You see, I never did mention about another relationship I had that sort of percolated for a few months, that was extremely intense for me, but that fizzled into nothing.  I decided to end it before it began, or he decided it wasn't meant pursuing long ago, but thought that sex with me would be nice so he kept me around until I got impatient?  I'm not sure.  Suffice it to say, it is no more.

I am currently without my own metamours, and the universe has seen it fit to remind me that it is not time to have another relationship outside of my primary relationship with M.  

So that is the state of my life at the moment.  It hasn't been all bad.  It would seem that the universe has seen it fit to bring me friends who may be able to help me be a better dominant.  We shall see.  In the meantime, I am continuing to evaluate what is meaningful to me, and what isn't.