Pondering my own mortality

I realized today that both my personal journal writing and this blog have touched on issues of growing old.  Sorry to veer off the sex/kinky path for a bit, but I can't help but think about my own mortality.  

This thinking got me started when I visited my mother during Thanksgiving weekend.  I hadn't seen her for awhile and was worried about her.  Her itinerant/independent ways have taken her from a strange journey from uprooting herself from the SF Bay Area after she retired, to Kansas, then back to California, where she is staying where my roots started.  She is among family and friends, so I need not worry.  Nevertheless, her memory isn't what it used to be and her sense of adventure have subsided quite a bit.  I look at her now and she looks like she's aged 10 years.  But she is 70 years old now.  Why did I just noticed that she is old?  

Then this past Thursday, my aunt called me to tell me my uncle died.  I was stunned, then a few hours later I cried, at work.  Yes, we were close.  He was, at one point, close to a father figure I had as a child.  So his death hit me pretty hard and I regret not visiting him when I had the chance.  As of now, I'm still awaiting news of when his funeral will be scheduled.  I've already told Mom I was attending both that and the burial.

When did I become old myself?

I've known many years ago that I stopped being "young".  Heh...I would argue that I never felt young even when I was youth.  All those things I'm suppose to do when I'm young, like sexual experimentation and having a wild life?  I did once I turned 30.  I don't feel old, but I know I'm not going to be able to party (and recover) when I was 18.  Actually, I don't want to be 18.  I like the me that is now. the over-the-hill, "bitter" woman who should be angry at my younger counterparts because their boobs are perkier.  But...I'm far from bitter, and I'm having better sex now than when my boobs defied gravity. (Not that my boobs look awful now, the guys in my life love my boobs.) 

The only thing I have for posterity is my writings, this blog and my written journals that I've written since I was 18.  I'm not so egotistical to think that they will be as interesting to read as Anais Nin's diaries, but I want to keep them until I die.  Then, I don't know, have one of my nieces read them and destroy them?  Then there's this blog.  But in the end it doesn't matter, for I will no longer exist to care of such things. 

As someone who holds Buddhist philosophical views, I don't believe in an afterlife.   I will come back to where I came from, back to earth, with my energy back to the universe.  My ego would like to think that I influenced some people, that I did some good, that my love will be remembered in fondness, that people will be sad when I go before I die.  At least I don't believe that I will live my life where I will never have regrets anymore.  Even if you live an intentional life, you will have regrets.  Because time is finite, and it  will destroy you like a Mexican God.

The Process of Processing

I got an email from a friend, someone whom we played with once, wanting to do a semi-public, semi-sexual, semi-switching scene with me.  My first reaction was of flattery, then my head started to panic for some reason.  The next morning I looked at the message again, parsed through all the words looking for something that wasn't there.  Since I'm experiencing a lull of activity at work, I ended up having this internal dialogue playing in my head. My new polyamorous mindset decided to pick a fight with the old guard, aka my monogamous mindset  To paraphrase, my poly side said "You have an itch to scratch and he's a friend." But my mono side said, "But does he want more from me than what I'm capable to give."  Then my rational mind stepped in and said "Shut up you two, just ask him!" At which point, I calmed a bit.  I did end up talking to him, then seeing him the following evening. I was surprised by the reaction I had towards this email, ie the hesitation the doubting of myself and motives, and the subsequent processing made me feel vulnerable and exhausted.

When I say processing I mean this, “To gain an understanding or acceptance of; come to terms with.”

Usually, I tend to do my processing internally, or in my diary, and obviously on here. I don't pay attention to the process of processing; It just happens and I go on with my life. However, I think it's save to say that I've had my share of processing everything within the past few months, and I'm a bit weary. This is also telling me that I'm still trying to heal and make sense of my grief. If the universe has its way, this will not be the end. 

Sure enough, when the day of my date came by, we ended up cuddling and me talking his ear off, instead of playing.  When I came home, I was still processing all of this, and why this was such a big deal.  All of this processing wasn't for naught...Thank god. I figured out that my reaction had something to do with my loss and unfortunately this event triggered this. 

Which brings me to a bigger point. There is this enduring negative image that polyamory is unnecessarily complicated because there is so much processing going on.  This includes actions such as the incessant analyzing of everything, the over-sharing, the over-reacting, the relationship decision making by committee. Even poly people get sick of the processing for processing sake, and bitch about it on Fetlife!  I think when a mono person tells me that Poly is too complicated, that monogamy is simpler, less confusing, easier, he/she is alluding to this.

I don't think monogamy is simpler, but there are many assumptions to monogamy that is usually not questioned. For example, that this person will be the only one you are having a relationship with at this moment, until the person  or the relationship ends.  But that's not to say that people in monogamous relationships never have to process anything.  Anyone who has ever been in a long-term monogamous relationship know things change all of the time, and whenever anything changes, there is a good deal of processing going on.   

Now I understand that dealing with grief and loss is not a linear process, and I'm sure that there will be more of this to come in the near future.  And for the most part, I do tend to like and understand the process of processing.  Then again, why can't I take people and opportunities that come to me without question everything?

Because, it's not time to do that yet. 

Beauty in Breakdown

So the entity that is M and I are no more.

I could tell you how I've been feeling for the past few months, or I can describe what has or has not transpire between the both of us, but at some point the details doesn't matter.

The short story is that poly did what it's suppose to do; expose the weaknesses, the bullshit, that patience and grace can't fix.  As much as I want to blame M, I own my shit to the demise of this relatioinship.  In the end, we grew apart, and as someone said on Fetlife a few days ago, we became incompatible at this moment.

He is in love, but not with me.  And I am alone.

Though this alone-ness feels very different.  For one thing, I've decided to ask for help, from strangers, from friends, from people I've met once.  And surprisingly, they didn't shun me or ignore me.  Then I asked the universe for guidance, and it told me to open my heart to it.  For once in my life I don't feel empty (or at least less empty), but Love and Equanimity.  Love for myself.  Love for the universe and the world.  And its telling me to forgive, to give M kindness.  After all, these past 4 years (Sorry, but I'm considering this year a wash) was not all that bad.  I like to think we've learn things about ourselves from this.

There are moments, when the floods of "should-of" and "could-of" engulfed me and despair was all I felt, as my tears fall uncontrollable and without end.  But as much as I still love and care for him, it's time to let him go.

I will end this post with one more indulgence from the universe, and it's this: To make this transition to be smooth, with loving kindness, for the both of us.

Reflections

In the course of about a month, my world decided to have its own tectonic changes, erupting my calm surface.  Literally, a few days of my birthday, M announced that he was starting a relationship with someone that I was vaguely aware of. Because of the nature of this, namely the long distance and the fact that he is currently educating her regarding kink and poly, our rules of engagement had to be a bit more flexible.  This presented an opportunity for me to experience what M had been going through for the past several months, the feeling of jealousy, envy and insecurity.

As M pointed out, these feelings came to fruition at the start of this relationship.  But to be fair, I think if his metamour was closer, I would be feeling these things as they come along.  I wrote about some of my processing here. (To summarize, about how M was better at compersion than I am, and how it was weird of me to be in the position of being jealous.)  It took me a few weeks to fully process this, until one day, something snapped in me and realized that It's going to be OK, that M still loves me.  That is not to say that I don't feel insecure from time to time.  It's just that my insecurity isn't so focused now, taking up space in my head (as people in 12-step programs would say).  

The one thing that seems to have not gone away is the self-reflection, the hard questions of what I want from poly, from kink.  You see, I never did mention about another relationship I had that sort of percolated for a few months, that was extremely intense for me, but that fizzled into nothing.  I decided to end it before it began, or he decided it wasn't meant pursuing long ago, but thought that sex with me would be nice so he kept me around until I got impatient?  I'm not sure.  Suffice it to say, it is no more.

I am currently without my own metamours, and the universe has seen it fit to remind me that it is not time to have another relationship outside of my primary relationship with M.  

So that is the state of my life at the moment.  It hasn't been all bad.  It would seem that the universe has seen it fit to bring me friends who may be able to help me be a better dominant.  We shall see.  In the meantime, I am continuing to evaluate what is meaningful to me, and what isn't.  

Out of Winter Hybernation and finding clarity

So after the New Years, and after our Disneyland vacation a week later, we ended up not doing very much socially, kink or otherwise, for the next few months. Instead we became home bound, hybernated state.  We also both experience short periods of...blahness?  I wouldn't call it depression, though for me depression was mixed into a feeling of malaise.   I can't say if it was because our Introverted natures needed our spaces, or that on a physiological level, our bodies needed a break.  I really can't blame the weather this time.  This winter seems to be schizophrenic, with some days looking like it should be summer.  As a matter of fact, its colder now, in early April, than it was the first of January.

This state of ours was starting to worry M, because my libido, in general, was at a very low place.  At some point, I think he was worried that it might have to do with him.  I assured him that it wasn't; however, that didn't stop him from feeling inadequate.  I knew for a fact that I was not myself.  I don't think that my work situation helped.  I had several tight deadlines during the month of February, with things just going wrong on every turn.

And, to be honest, I think I was still working out all of this poly stuff in my head. Eh, I don't know why I've been hyper-obsessed about all of this, though I think this is the one instance where learning more about a subject and reading other people's experience on polyamory did not alleviate my fear, my concerns.  In fact, I just wanted to rebel with the conventional wisdom.  Usually when I get this way, it means that I've been over analyzing all of this, and I just needed to walk away.  So, I stopped reading the forums on Fetlife and stopped reading my messages that was culminating in my OkCupid mail box.  Instead I focused on the one question that matter the most to me, What I wanted?  Well, to answer that question I looked to my past.

I kept referring back to my past lovers, specifically two of them, one in my youth, the other while I was married.  Both relationships were very different, but occupied a very special time and space for me that I would never trade in the world.  Despite its tenuous nature, I was blessed to have "loved" (perhaps not in the traditional sense) these men.

In this introspection, I came to realize was that this is what I wanted out of all of this, peak experiences with individuals, that both engaged my body and my spirit. I could be intimate with this person for two weeks or two lifetimes.  This person could be my lover, my submissive, my dominant and also a friend that would impact my life, in any way.  I don't mean to imply to say that I want to collect people for its own sake.  But if people came along in my life that was there for a reason only the universe knows, I don't want to deny them. Life is too short, love is limitless, and I become a better person with them in my life.   Look, I know who I am.  I own my shit.  I have my boundaries for a reason.  And I still love M.  He is my anchor in life and love.  Yeah, this is complicated.  Let it be, I never took the easy route before.

Okay, so lets bring this back to the here and now.  M and I have turned a corner, and our need to be social again is back.  Along with our libidos.  Yay!  I don't think we are done wrestling with this topic of Poly.  But then again I don't think this gets easier.  Maybe.  All I know is that we will be back to being our kinky selves, as soon as video game releases are out, a certain dungeon gets back inline, and life in general settles back to normal.  /shrug  Well its a start. 

The universe is teaching me patience

It's almost year end, and its been three months since my last post.  Those three months might have been three years, with everything we have done since then.  There was Folsom, being more social in the community, making new friends, finding then loosing a play partner, and then opening up our relationship.

Oh yes, M and I have decided to transition our non-monogamous relationship, into a polyamorous one.  As I have written elsewhere, this decision is the inevitable conclusion to what was started earlier this year.  We also talked and wrote extensively about our feelings before and after this decision, dealt with the aftermath, and still concluded that becoming poly is the right thing to do.  We set our preliminary rules and limits, and posted profiles on OKCupid.  So far, I've been on a few dates, with nothing in the horizon for me, while M has a potential playmate.

The presence of this new woman in his life hasn't triggered horrible jealousy within me, and I'm generally excited for M.  However, I am very cautious about all of this.  The last thing I want to do is to delude myself that I am in the clear, only to have my fears and insecurities rear itself when I least expect it.  So far, my emotions have been in check.  No, its not that I haven't felt jealousy (actually its more envy than jealousy) rather, I've been able to process this rationally.

What I wasn't prepared for was the uncertainty, the ambiguity of what I wanted from all of this.  My body misses another lover to ravage me.  My heart and brain, however, wants safety, security and trust.  This is creating a rather strange dynamic within me, a hurry up and wait response, that I find extremely annoying.  I must admit I'm having a tough time telling which side is winning.  At the same time, I'm suspecting my expectations might still be high, and that I really need to step away for a moment and get some perspective.  Another issue I am encountering is that I don't know if I want another submissive, or a vanilla lover.  Hell, I complicated things even more for me by entertaining the notion of having a relationship with a top.  To make matters worst, I'm finding that not only are poly relationships drama-filled, but there seems to be "fall in love, then think about it later" attitude to poly dating that I find totally disturbing.

Sigh....

Because of all of this ambiguity, I think the universe is teaching me patience. It's not pushing me one way or the other, it wants me to be internally focused for now.  My past self would have said, "Fuck you Universe.  I want cock" and pushed my will into something I am totally not prepared to handle.  However, I'm more inclined to listen to it now than...oh...say...four years ago.  The universe was right about being patient with M.  The universe was right about waiting to heal before I was ready to make friends.  I think the universe is correct here as well.

Or Santa might give me another man for Christmas?  Hahaha probably not.

Bittersweet and anti-climatic ending

It's official.  I am legally a divorced woman.

Actually, I should have been a divorced woman a year ago, but my ex-husband's attorney is retarded and ignored his pleas for any updates.  My official dissolution date was September 2nd, but I didn't receive the paperwork until a week ago, since the paperwork was sent to my last address.

I called my ex to tell him the news.  He answered back with little emotion but I can tell he was supportive.  He wanted closure as much as I did.  We met for lunch last Monday to...celebrate? No, that's not the word.  To acknowledge, perhaps?  During lunch, he couldn't look at me, choosing to play with his food.  We made small talk, and I inquire about our friends.  I asked him if he was Ok about all of this, the divorce coming through.  He reiterated that he was fine, "It is what it is" he said.  I did tell him that I never regretted marrying him; although, I almost said "but things changed" after that.  Thank god I didn't because he looked surprised that I said that.  A good surprised.

Curiously enough, he asked me about my work, and about M, talked to me for the first time as a person, and not his wife.  Normally, he would go on and on about his work, about friend's drama, things of that nature.  But not that day.  I saw it in his eyes, it was over for him.  After almost 4 years.

I confided to M that it was a bit sad and anti-climatic, my divorce.  After all, I moved on and lived my life as a single woman since the first day of my separation.  M and I talked about how relieved and bittersweet he felt about his own divorce was, how he and his ex-wife stayed friends all of this time.  I had hoped to have something similar with my ex, but it would require extraordinary work on my part to keep it up, something I had hoped came naturally instead of some heroic measure on my part.  Perhaps?    Don't know, but I've learned not to count on anything.

Whether or not the ex and I will remain friends, one thing is for certain: it's unfortunate that of the divorces I knew of, mine was among the most amicable.  I've been subjected to my friend's divorce that dragged on for months because no one could agree on anything.  I suppose I should be lucky, neither one of us had anything of value to fight over and there were no children involved.

Still, a chapter has ended in my life, and another has begun.  I wish my ex luck happiness and luck and I hope that we can stay friends.

Complications

Some posts write themselves.  This is not one of them.

I've been playing more than writing lately.  While that's usually a good thing, my kinky parameters has expanded too quickly than what I can process at the moment.

Case in point, I have been exploring my dominate side for the past few months now.   Not only have I enjoyed this role, but unlike my submissive side where certain conditions have to be met before I get to that space, my dominance feels natural and unforced.  I find it strangely creative, and the more I do it, the more confident I feel.  At the same time, I was unprepared to deal with all the crap that came up as I learned more about this side of me.  Namely, that I had a dark side and that I have a complicated love/hate relationship with control.

I experienced top drop for the first time a day after I had my first private scene with my submissive.  It consisted of me crying in the basement because I though I was evil.  Don't know about you, but I think everyone has a dark side.  We are conditioned to sublimated it, hide it, get rid of it because it's evil and who wants to be evil.  I could blame my Catholic upbringing or unrealistic expectations put upon me while growing up of what a girl is suppose to act like, but I would be obfuscating.  Intellectually, I can see the concept of having a dark side, but to actually hold up a mirror to yourself and look at it was a frightening concept.

Dealing with my dark side was nothing compared to dealing with Control.  You see, I have another confession to make...I've been addicted to control, or rather, the illusion of it for a very long time.

Even in my submissive state, I never truly let go of it, except with M.  Since dominance is about harnessing control, it was as if I was given crack and told to smoke it. I'm keenly aware of how much I needed to be control of everything, despite the fact that this need of mine have pulled me in directions I didn't want to go, simply because I was too arrogant to admit I was wrong.  But total control is an illusion.  Erroneously, I thought in order to understand this illusion, I had to let go of control.

Going through all of the pain I went through a few years ago was part of that journey.  The other part of it was, I thought, accepting my truth.  Well, accepting that truth meant having to deal with my control issues.  I mention the pain, but if it wasn't for my ex-husband who forcefully insisted I had more control in the relationship than I was admitting (that is, before I was ready to admit that he was right), did I truly understand that I had this power over people and situations, and that I needed to take responsibility for it.  Being responsible does not mean ignoring the consequences of your actions, nor does it mean denying that I had any part of it.  And how could I let go of control, if I never honestly dealt with it.  I'm not going to say that I have a complete handle on this at the moment. I can say that OK its out in the open and I'm not going to hide it any longer.

In the meantime, I will continue to dominate/top M when he wants me to, and get a better feel of how my submissive wants my dominance to manifest with him.  I'm also not going to neglect my submissive side since something tells me I will seek it out more often now.  Just another thing for me to integrate into my life.  Let's see how good of a juggler I am.

No more compliance

For the longest time, I thought I was very submissive with the men I had been.  After all, I never viewed as someone who had any impact within a relationship.  So when I started this journey into BDSM, that assumption held strong.  It wasn't until I started playing, I started to embrace the power dynamics, that I realized that I had never submitted to anyone.

From the moment that I discovered I was kinky, I began exploring my submissive side.  And it felt lacking.  Aside from the masochistic end of BDSM, which I still love, I couldn't wrap my mind to submitting to another.  It really was a Eureka moment to discover that you can be a switch.  As soon as I tapped into my domme side, the concept of power dynamics, the yin to the yang, the exchange, became extremely clear for me.  I was enjoying my domme side way too much, sort of neglecting my submissive side, or rather just indulging my masochistic tendencies and left it at that.  Then something happened (okay a couple of things).

Well we started swinging..and holy hell, I lost control for the first time in my life.  It was both frightening and exhilarating, and began to doubt that I had never submitted at all in the past.  It doesn't help that I was trying to submit to men who were not inclined to the ways of d/s.  But I also had some severe trust issues of my own.  To submit, you must completely trust the person you are giving your power to.  Looking back, I never let go..with anyone, other than M.

I'm convinced what I've done in the past was compliance and well..dominated.  That is, I played along, and gave enough of me  to move the relationship along, but never to give all of me.  When this didn't work, I would exert some of my power, only to feel guilty.  I understand now when my ex-husband accused me of having all of the power in the relationship.  I did.  In fact he did often defer to me but I didn't see it at the time.  Also, I gave my power to someone who was unwilling to have it.  But then again, he was emotionally lazy, narcissistic, and played the compliance game better than I.  Wow, no wonder I never let go with him, he wouldn't have it.  Oh, I'm sure with my trust issues, not to mention lack of self-confidence, didn't help.  But you can now understand the frustration with my ex.  Well..with most of my relationships.

I submitted to M this weekend, with only the sound of his voice, and choice words. No, truly submitted to him.  My body felt weak, my mind slipped, and all I wanted was to please him.  It was interesting to see my reaction, since I was completely taken by surprised.  But by the end of the evening, all I wanted to do was please him, fuck him, submit to him completely body and soul.  At to that end, I am finally complete.  Both parts of me is now his and he is mine.  And I'm happy and whole now.

Pro-Life?

What is the world coming to, that someone needs to gun down a doctor that performed late-term abortions in fucking church!!! Does the perpetrator really think that this will win the war on abortion? That because he was "killing babies", that he was fair game.

Murdering Dr. Tiller is an atrocious, cruel, a deliberate act of pure evil. And if you claim to be Pro-Life, and think this is justified, you need to hang up that moniker RIGHT NOW!

What happened to those Pro-Life advocates who not only opposed of abortions, but also opposed the death penalty, and opposed war? Or did you pro-life idiots decided that they were not "pure" enough for your ideology?

Already, I see pro-life groups condemning the act and saying that they don't encourage this behavior. But you know....fuck you! I remember in high school, and a man and his son had a sign of an aborted fetus greet us students as we stepped out of the bus, handing out fliers, and espousing your message of murder. Even at my tender age, I know that what you were doing was inappropriate. Since then, I've seen reports of bombings, harassment of medical staff, closing of clinics (that not only provided abortions but dispense family planning help), and unfortunately, killing of doctors. I have seen your groups change perceptions about abortion, from one of a medical decision between adults to a political football used to gain power. All the while, dismantling meaningful women/family services.

No...I have no sympathy for a lot of you pro-lifers. For all I see coming from you is message of hate and shame, rarely from compassion. You have planted the seeds of hatred, you bare fruit for its consequences.