Complications

Some posts write themselves.  This is not one of them.

I've been playing more than writing lately.  While that's usually a good thing, my kinky parameters has expanded too quickly than what I can process at the moment.

Case in point, I have been exploring my dominate side for the past few months now.   Not only have I enjoyed this role, but unlike my submissive side where certain conditions have to be met before I get to that space, my dominance feels natural and unforced.  I find it strangely creative, and the more I do it, the more confident I feel.  At the same time, I was unprepared to deal with all the crap that came up as I learned more about this side of me.  Namely, that I had a dark side and that I have a complicated love/hate relationship with control.

I experienced top drop for the first time a day after I had my first private scene with my submissive.  It consisted of me crying in the basement because I though I was evil.  Don't know about you, but I think everyone has a dark side.  We are conditioned to sublimated it, hide it, get rid of it because it's evil and who wants to be evil.  I could blame my Catholic upbringing or unrealistic expectations put upon me while growing up of what a girl is suppose to act like, but I would be obfuscating.  Intellectually, I can see the concept of having a dark side, but to actually hold up a mirror to yourself and look at it was a frightening concept.

Dealing with my dark side was nothing compared to dealing with Control.  You see, I have another confession to make...I've been addicted to control, or rather, the illusion of it for a very long time.

Even in my submissive state, I never truly let go of it, except with M.  Since dominance is about harnessing control, it was as if I was given crack and told to smoke it. I'm keenly aware of how much I needed to be control of everything, despite the fact that this need of mine have pulled me in directions I didn't want to go, simply because I was too arrogant to admit I was wrong.  But total control is an illusion.  Erroneously, I thought in order to understand this illusion, I had to let go of control.

Going through all of the pain I went through a few years ago was part of that journey.  The other part of it was, I thought, accepting my truth.  Well, accepting that truth meant having to deal with my control issues.  I mention the pain, but if it wasn't for my ex-husband who forcefully insisted I had more control in the relationship than I was admitting (that is, before I was ready to admit that he was right), did I truly understand that I had this power over people and situations, and that I needed to take responsibility for it.  Being responsible does not mean ignoring the consequences of your actions, nor does it mean denying that I had any part of it.  And how could I let go of control, if I never honestly dealt with it.  I'm not going to say that I have a complete handle on this at the moment. I can say that OK its out in the open and I'm not going to hide it any longer.

In the meantime, I will continue to dominate/top M when he wants me to, and get a better feel of how my submissive wants my dominance to manifest with him.  I'm also not going to neglect my submissive side since something tells me I will seek it out more often now.  Just another thing for me to integrate into my life.  Let's see how good of a juggler I am.