No more compliance

For the longest time, I thought I was very submissive with the men I had been.  After all, I never viewed as someone who had any impact within a relationship.  So when I started this journey into BDSM, that assumption held strong.  It wasn't until I started playing, I started to embrace the power dynamics, that I realized that I had never submitted to anyone.

From the moment that I discovered I was kinky, I began exploring my submissive side.  And it felt lacking.  Aside from the masochistic end of BDSM, which I still love, I couldn't wrap my mind to submitting to another.  It really was a Eureka moment to discover that you can be a switch.  As soon as I tapped into my domme side, the concept of power dynamics, the yin to the yang, the exchange, became extremely clear for me.  I was enjoying my domme side way too much, sort of neglecting my submissive side, or rather just indulging my masochistic tendencies and left it at that.  Then something happened (okay a couple of things).

Well we started swinging..and holy hell, I lost control for the first time in my life.  It was both frightening and exhilarating, and began to doubt that I had never submitted at all in the past.  It doesn't help that I was trying to submit to men who were not inclined to the ways of d/s.  But I also had some severe trust issues of my own.  To submit, you must completely trust the person you are giving your power to.  Looking back, I never let go..with anyone, other than M.

I'm convinced what I've done in the past was compliance and well..dominated.  That is, I played along, and gave enough of me  to move the relationship along, but never to give all of me.  When this didn't work, I would exert some of my power, only to feel guilty.  I understand now when my ex-husband accused me of having all of the power in the relationship.  I did.  In fact he did often defer to me but I didn't see it at the time.  Also, I gave my power to someone who was unwilling to have it.  But then again, he was emotionally lazy, narcissistic, and played the compliance game better than I.  Wow, no wonder I never let go with him, he wouldn't have it.  Oh, I'm sure with my trust issues, not to mention lack of self-confidence, didn't help.  But you can now understand the frustration with my ex.  Well..with most of my relationships.

I submitted to M this weekend, with only the sound of his voice, and choice words. No, truly submitted to him.  My body felt weak, my mind slipped, and all I wanted was to please him.  It was interesting to see my reaction, since I was completely taken by surprised.  But by the end of the evening, all I wanted to do was please him, fuck him, submit to him completely body and soul.  At to that end, I am finally complete.  Both parts of me is now his and he is mine.  And I'm happy and whole now.