Dating in the "Lifestyle"

The second post, or part 2 of the other post...or whatever...let's just get with this.

I have a confession to make.  I hate what we call what we do a "lifestyle".  There's this impression that by calling our kinky lives a lifestyle it is assumed that it is better than vanilla/more traditional relationships.  I could not agree with that assessment.  And frankly, I hate the whole vanilla vs kinky shit. Honestly, how we approach people is not all that different than in a vanilla situation, we just state our wants and needs upfront.

Because we tend to put our cards on the table up front and center, there's a tendency for kinky people to think that we are better communicators.  Of course, the first thing that was drilled into my head when I started down this route was that everything was negotiated before we do anything.

Let me tell you something.  Kinky people are no different than other people.  They can be as douchy, selfish bastards, that can lie to you or hide shit from you.  And no amount of talking will stop this.  When I finally proclaimed myself a switch, I can't tell you how many guys hit on me to peg them, and or dominate them, often calling me a  mistress against my will.  I had to put up a guidelines post on my profile on fetlife just so that I didn't have to deal with bullshit.

On the swinging side, I didn't have to deal with pretension too much, but it had its own pitfall.  Dating a couple meant we had to make sure if there was compatibility with all four of us.  Its hard enough to reach compatibility with just one person.  Then you had to be extremely firm that we had these rules set up as a couple.  Now we were aware that meeting like minded people to sleep with might be hard, but what we weren't prepared for how social swinging is.  At one point we had a party every weekend, with a one week break in between.  I was beginning to resent the fact that I had to be ready for sex at a moments notice.

I suppose I really shouldn't complain.  If it wasn't for a certain individual whom I rocked his world, we would never have met some awesome people.  I mean superfucking nice couples, that we could actually talk to as well as fuck.  And I got to dominate someone else besides M.  Woot.

Okay the point of all this is, dating in the lifestyle is not any more different than dating vanilla style.  I would argue that if you had strong limits in your vanilla dating style to begin with, then you will have a good foundation to base on when you try kinky stuff.   M and I are slowly learning what works for us and what doesn't.

No more compliance

For the longest time, I thought I was very submissive with the men I had been.  After all, I never viewed as someone who had any impact within a relationship.  So when I started this journey into BDSM, that assumption held strong.  It wasn't until I started playing, I started to embrace the power dynamics, that I realized that I had never submitted to anyone.

From the moment that I discovered I was kinky, I began exploring my submissive side.  And it felt lacking.  Aside from the masochistic end of BDSM, which I still love, I couldn't wrap my mind to submitting to another.  It really was a Eureka moment to discover that you can be a switch.  As soon as I tapped into my domme side, the concept of power dynamics, the yin to the yang, the exchange, became extremely clear for me.  I was enjoying my domme side way too much, sort of neglecting my submissive side, or rather just indulging my masochistic tendencies and left it at that.  Then something happened (okay a couple of things).

Well we started swinging..and holy hell, I lost control for the first time in my life.  It was both frightening and exhilarating, and began to doubt that I had never submitted at all in the past.  It doesn't help that I was trying to submit to men who were not inclined to the ways of d/s.  But I also had some severe trust issues of my own.  To submit, you must completely trust the person you are giving your power to.  Looking back, I never let go..with anyone, other than M.

I'm convinced what I've done in the past was compliance and well..dominated.  That is, I played along, and gave enough of me  to move the relationship along, but never to give all of me.  When this didn't work, I would exert some of my power, only to feel guilty.  I understand now when my ex-husband accused me of having all of the power in the relationship.  I did.  In fact he did often defer to me but I didn't see it at the time.  Also, I gave my power to someone who was unwilling to have it.  But then again, he was emotionally lazy, narcissistic, and played the compliance game better than I.  Wow, no wonder I never let go with him, he wouldn't have it.  Oh, I'm sure with my trust issues, not to mention lack of self-confidence, didn't help.  But you can now understand the frustration with my ex.  Well..with most of my relationships.

I submitted to M this weekend, with only the sound of his voice, and choice words. No, truly submitted to him.  My body felt weak, my mind slipped, and all I wanted was to please him.  It was interesting to see my reaction, since I was completely taken by surprised.  But by the end of the evening, all I wanted to do was please him, fuck him, submit to him completely body and soul.  At to that end, I am finally complete.  Both parts of me is now his and he is mine.  And I'm happy and whole now.

Un-monogamy

Prior to the last event, M and I had talked at length about picking up random men for sex.  Although, for the most part we were joking, there was an underlying truth to the whole proposal.  Namely, he wanted to see me or hear me (or even to be told afterwards) be fucked by another man.  He wanted to see me how I would react to another man's cock inside me, how I would cum for him, then come back to him so that I can tell him all about it, while he pounds my slutty pussy.  So I was tasked to start flirting with men, have casual encounters with men.  Now, on paper it was hot.  We got off just fantasizing what I would be doing to all of these men, in my head.  The implementation, however, left to be desired.

For one thing, I was relatively happy with M, and well...for some reason I couldn't get into slut mode.  I mean I had no problem going there before I met M, so I couldn't understand why I couldn't do it now.  I started having all of these doubts.  What if he was a psycho?  What if I can't perform (see last post for that answer)?  So, I was on the phone with M one evening, lamenting about why I just couldn't get into that slut mode, why my brain wasn't cooperating.  Then I remembered something I meant to tell him, oh...like months, years ago.  I laughed and told him ,"I meant to talk to you about the monogamy issue in our relationship, but its all moot now".  

Now I had good reason to not go there earlier.  First of all, it was akin to asking if he loved me, and I still had memories when I told him I liked him more than like a few years ago.  /shudder.  We both were in long term monogamy relationships, that ended in infidelity, so the idea of monogamy as the de facto mode for us was a bit muddled. We even briefly talked about it when we first met, both wondering if we could ever be that way again.  However, up until recently, our relationship followed the vanilla monogamy scheme.  Even as we stretched our boundaries of our sexuality, we never changed that.  Although, I really really wanted to broach the subject, if only for my edification.  It was only when we discovered swinging, that we discovered that hey...we are fine with adding people into our relationship.

Let's clear things for the moment.  We are very devoted to each other.  We are very clear that we play together, with the consent of both us.  We are very sure we don't want to try polyamory.  What I'm talking about is monogamy in the hetero-normative sense.  That monogamy is the cornerstone of any relationship, and any deviation of that norm is looked upon as suspect.  It is assumed that if you are committed to one another, you don't sleep with anyone else but your partner.  After I told him that statement, we delved deeper with what it meant to us.  That it felt it backwards to prove that you were monogamist first.  Shouldn't you get to know the person before you decide that?   

What we found through swinging was this, not only did it brought us closer as a couple, but we ended up trusting each other more.  How could this be you ask?  Well, like BDSM, you really have to be very sure that you are both prepared, or at least talk, about how we deal with this lifestyle.  We talked at length about each boundaries, what we wanted, how to do it, etc.  So by the time we did it, we were able to focus on what turned us on.  Okay, by our last post, we did run into some pitfalls.  But we never stopped dealing with this.  And that's how it should be in any relationship.

Look, I've been relationships where it was sort of agreed upon in the beginning that yes we are in a monogamy relationship, but then never talk about it after that.  And if you had thoughts of other people, you were expected to squash it, and hide it so that your partner wouldn't get hurt.  How do you talk to the person you love if you are forced to squash yourself, or your pain, weakness?  How can it grow?

Any long-term relationship is fluid.  We are all human, and we might get attracted to other people.  Shaming people into monogamy never works, and its ridiculous to assume that monogamy works all of the time.  Once M and I shed those unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like, we realized that we had something more special.

Losing control

So M and I finally had a chance to try soft swapping for the first time a month ago at a private party held at someone's home.  And to say it was exhilarating and frightening is an understatement.  Apparantly, I'm a hottie.  LOL, I wish I was exaggerating.  Every time M left me alone, there was a man who would come up and hit on me.  I had several men look at me throughout the evening with those hungry eyes, usually reserved for M. 

At first, we were shy.  Everyone seemed to know everyone by name.  There was a threesome in front of us in the beginning of the evening, and as more people stream into the party, they would be interrupted by people saying hello to them, never missing a beat at what was transpiring.

As the evening progressed, everyone was starting to pair off, take corners, take rooms, and well started fucking.  We got into that groove as well, and we also started to fuck in front of the onlookers.  It felt like we were on a stage for a minute, and M was having a hard time concentrating.  He finally came inside me, but not after I took my clothes off, sans my stockings.  We laid there for a moment, wondering what we should do next.  After awhile, we decided to check out the back rooms.  There were definitely more action there, and finally settle on one of the rooms with a water bed.  We watched two couples playing each other, with both women playing with the other as their partner's cocks pound them.  There was a threesome on the waterbed, doing their thing.  People were streaming in and out of room to look.  We managed to sneak into a space between the waterbed and closet to fuck.

I stood by the headboard and nightstand, with my hand bracing the wall, as M entered me from behind, his hard cock pounding me.  I was in a cusp of orgasm, when I felt a hand caressing my breast.  One of the guys on the water bed decided to help me along, while his wife was orally pleasuring both men on the bed.  I came extremely hard. I thanked the man and I thought it was the end of it.  However, the other man on the bed was disparately trying to get his head between my legs.  M literally asked me if I was ready to go when my body decided to lower my pussy towards this stranger's head.  I don't know what came over me, honestly I was thinking, "shit...I'll let you lick me if you don't break your neck trying to get to me".  M didn't even question it, we were going to stay.  At first he fingered my pussy.  Immediately, my libido took over my reason and I wanted more, as I lowered my pussy further to his lips.   He licked me gently, then biting one side of my labia then the other.  His lips sliding up and down my pussy, exploring all its folds.  I wanted more. I let him spread my labia lips apart so that he can explore deeper.  According to M, I sat on his face, cumming so hard, being a greedy little slut.

While this was going on, there was another man, stroking his hard thick cock.  Without thinking, I somehow managed to bend toward him and suck him.  It was thick and meaty and I all of it in my mouth.  He eventually laid down on the bed so I could give him a good sucking.  Unfortunately, I couldn't make him cum because the guy licking my pussy made me cum like a banshee.  All of this time, M was there behind me, flicking his cock on my ass, holding me, reassuring me, even kissed me and said he loved me.  I wanted to fuck both of them.  Hell, I was in a state that I would have fucked all the men in that room.   Regrettably, my body couldn't stand the position I had put myself in and started to rebel.  I had to stop, just when everyone was ready to fuck me; M, the guy licking me.  I was in such deep subspace that I was trembling, and I couldn't stand.  M took me out of the room for some aftercare.  We eventually was able to get up and get dressed, but I was surprised that I was coherent and able to stand.

On the ride home, I began to panic.  I had lost control to the extent that if I hadn't stopped, I wouldn't have.  The revelation of that frightened me to no end.  I began to ramble about this, processing this, make up new rules of play because of this.  M was extremely supportive during my panic moment.

The panic subsided when we got home.  M kept asking me if it was fun for me despite that.  I said yes.  M's perspective was equally revealing...he felt more in touch with me than he ever had.  He felt no jealousy, although he did say he felt some pressure to perform.  Of the activities involved, he said it was extremely arousing, something he told me later that he fantasize often.

The aftermath of this lasted a few weeks.  M wanted more, but I was hesitant to jump into another party so close to the last one, while trying to get ready for the move.  I eventually had a "come to Jesus" moment with him regarding my fears.  The fear of losing control again, the fear of poor impulse control, the fear of the unknowns.  All of this made me realize how much I craved to be devoured to sex, to my body, and how I'm willing to set aside reasoning for it.  I also realized how tightly wrapped I was.   And that I trusted M implicitly, how much I love him with all of my soul.

Its illuminating how, no matter how much we talk about everything prior to engaging in swinging, that we never anticipated how strong my reaction was going to be, or how much this was going to strengthened our relationship.  Moving forward, we have instituted new limits to help me handle this lose of control better.  For one, we play together.  Another, we limit the number of men that plays with me.  I know that we are still new at this, and this may change once we start full swaps.  But I can be assured that M is there for me in every way, and that I can rely on him totally.

Change and revelations

My life is in constant state of flux at the moment but rather than be in anxiety mode, which in my past was my default mode, I'm not panicking.  I am not apathetic, I care deeply whats going on, but rather sort of stoic about it, as if I'm able to step back and see it critically.  That is to say that it hasn't been an easy road for me to get to here, but this is not my usual M.O. at all.

Okay, here's whats going on.  M and I have cemented our decision to forward our relationship by deciding that we should live together. We are in earnest to finding a place, putting our resources together, and making plans to make this happen.  Now, for most people, this would be a forgone conclusion and thus not a big deal.  After all, we've been a couple for the past three years.  However, because of our past histories, our personalities and our (little) tolerance for change, this was a huge undertaking to even get to this point.

We both had to be brutally honest with each other, expose our soft underbellies, tell the other our deep dark secrets.  Now, its not like we were lying to each other.  On the contrary, we do talk!  However, its hard to broach hot button topics, things that you yourself don't want to deal with, or are afraid of what the other will think of you, even with the ones you love.  We are all human, we all want to be loved and want reassurance from the other.  But the fear is there and it is huge, so I can understand why you would hide stuff from your lover.  So it took a huge amount of courage for me to disclose my secrets, as well as for him to do the same.  We both knew this was important we do this before we moved in together, and it has only re-affirmed, for me at least, that living with this man is what I want to do.

Along the way, we both discovered other aspects of our kink and how it relates to our relationship.  Since the last time I wrote in this blog, I've discovered that not only I have this side of me that is a masochist, but also that I want to be objectified as slut, and that M likes to be cuckold.  I've also transitioned as a switch, and discovered that I am a capable top for M.  In return, M  has allowed me to use his body and mind to do with as I please, which at the moment means denying him pleasure.  At this juncture, I am still trying to figure out what type of a dominant I am, but M is a patient partner in whatever endeavor I am exploring.

So how does my BDSM exploration have to do with all of this?  Well, for me, its given me the self-confidence to face my fears, and to take on what comes my way has a challenge rather than a struggle.  Without this self-confidence, I probably would have a different outlook, a reactive one rather than a proactive one, regarding the changes that lay ahead.  And also, our explorations with our kink have deepened us as a couple on an emotional and spiritual level, as well as solidify our love for one other. 

For example, in my not so distant past, I would have thought that even thinking about adding another person for a threesome in our relationship would weaken our relationship.  But that hasn't been the case at all.  M not only encourages my slutiness, but we have grown closer because of this.  I can honestly say that I'm not sure how this came to be, but it is so, and I love M for this.

Thus this is my life at the moment.  We are both have our trepidations about all of this and its understandable to be a little afraid of the unknown.  But I feel that this is the right path for our relationship, and that we are doing this with open eyes, minds and hearts. 

Dispatches from the (Kink) Front-Part 1. In which I get my pain slut creds...

I meant to write this earlier...aw fuck it...I really need to get a new excuse.

So, the last time I wrote about my kink, I think I convinced myself that I was a Submissive Masochist. I know now that I was too hasty in putting a label to what I do with my kink. There seemed to be this unspoken rule in the kink community that you must have a label for the role you are playing to better navigate this world. The truth of it is, these labels are not so cut and dry as people would suggest. For one thing, what one set of people would define Dominant/submissive one way, a couple who actually live the dynamic would define it another way due to the nature of the boundaries set within that particular relationship.

After spending some time on Fetlife, going to some events, getting flogged more, and doing some soul searching, I've come away with the fact that I am not a Submissive.  Ok...yes I do have some subby traits, and for the most part, I give my body, heart and soul to M unequivocally.  But, I am no more willing to give entire control to M, as much as he doesn't wants the responsibility to take that control for his own uses.  We just don't have that dynamic, and for reasons of my own (which needs a separate post on), I am not interest in pursing that.  Instead he is a switch, and so am I (provided that I get a little bit more experience with my "top" energies).

Now the masochist part of me has been progressing well and I can now report that I am officially a pain slut :D.

It all began when we both went to Folsom Faire a week ago.  This was the first time I went, as a participant rather than a spectator.  And I was rather proud of myself, I went to Folsom with a corset on.   Although we came to celebrate me coming out of the kink closet, we came with one clear purpose in mind...to buy more toys.  For M, he was looking for a high end flogger.  For me, I had my eye on something stingy.  After going around the faire once and stopped to get a bite to eat, we finally made our way to a vendor.  As much as I really wanted a cane, and told M that I would buy one, I ended up with a riding crop.  Namely because I still don't know my own pain tolerance, and yes I'm a chicken.  It took M some time to find the right flogger, but the one he bought was beautiful.  The flogger part is deerhide, with a medium wood finish handle.  It was so lush and heavy that I found myself petting it on the way home. 

Despite being 85 degrees outside and having to deal with hordes of people going into the faire, we were both horny and curious about our new purchases (So horny, in fact, we couldn't wait to go to my apartment to fuck.  Instead we fucked in my car, parked in my garage.  I straddled him in the back seat, with my ass facing him.  It took a feat of strength not to scream out my orgasms.)  We finally made it upstairs, undressed and relaxed/cuddled on my bed.

We half-halfheartedly started to play with the riding crop on my inner thigh, just hitting it with the leather end with fast light strokes.  It turned red and stung a bit, but I wasn't prepared the lingering effects of the stinging when that area would meet the air of the fan or a touch of M's hand.  I started to giggle, then laugh uncontrollably.  I was getting so turned on I thought I was going to cum again.  (I think I did.)  M was also turned on by this, and finally came up to stand over to use the new flogger.

Unlike the older flogger, this new one was both caressing like a lover, and hurt like a paddle.  The sensations with this flogger was both thuddy and stingy (though not as stingy as the old flogger).  While the riding crop is just stingy and its effects more immediate, the flogger took time to build up, with a wonderful array of sensations that kept me guessing.  And just when I was getting used to the flogger, he used the leather part of the crop on my back, and the cane part of the crop on my ass.

During the scene, I was trying to process, if I could take any more thuddiness from the flogger or the general pain of the crop, while all the while I can feel wetness between my thighs.  I was in subspace as I had never experienced before.  And just when I thought I could sustain this particular wave, M slaps the crop hard on my ass.  He stops, letting the sting of the crop assert itself.  He bends down on my back, bites my shoulder and my ass and tells me how hot and sexy I am while I pant in ecstasy. 

I must say that afterwards was a bit of a blur, but I do remember telling me to lay there and to not look behind.  He leaves the bedroom and comes back with something...sharp.  Oh at least it feels sharp, because he presses something sharp on my body...where it stung the worst...immediately I felt a sensation I just can't fucking describe.  He leaves me again to, I assume, put whatever he just used back and comes back telling me "yes, you're into knife play."  (Technically, I found out later, it was a pair of scissors).

Yes, it was the most hottest scene to date, not because the pain the pleasure was too immeasurable to fully grasp at times and I came so hard that day, but the marks that crop made was soo fucking sexy.

And I'm regretting not getting a freakin cane!

Acceptance

Funny thing about epiphanies, things don't really change that much after having one. What they do is, hopefully, make light of a path of thinking that you were not aware of, or blocked somehow. It may be positive or negative, but its the universe way of telling you "Yo, dumbshit..this way!"

It's taking me a few weeks to process this for me what it meant to be really kinky. Part of that process was learning what the hell kinky meant. With M's assistance, I went to a beginner's class about the BDSM lifestyle. I'm not going to go bore you with the details, but I got familiar with the terms, the philosophy, what consent really meant, and the ins and outs of a dungeon. Suffice it to say, it was good. I know that I'm a Submissive Masochist. However, I hate the labels. But I will address that in another time.

Let me go back. M flogged me for the first time the weekend prior to taking that class. And I found it...exhilarating, sensual, extremely sexy, and very intimate. I discovered how much I loved being submissive, how much I needed to lose control to my body.

M had suspected that I had this streak in me. He knew this about me before I could accept this. But I couldn't see it.

Or I didn't know. Or I knew, but it didn't have a name. I had a really meaningful talk to M about this a few weeks ago. Here was what came out of it...I purposely dated strong men (either passively or overtly domineering men) who liked the submissive qualities of me. But the moment they exerted more control than what I was willing to afford them, I withdrew and try to exert some control of my own. To be fair, they didn't know I needed this. Hell, I didn't know I was such a control freak. Now you can see how confusing this can be. I don't think I was lying to them. I just thought they were threatened to my boundless libido. It was more to that.

Believe me, my own ego is to blame in this as well. You say the term submissive and you see someone who is a doormat, with no will of her own. You see, maybe women in abusive relationships, men controlling women completely. Who wants to be perceived to weak? I don't.

This revelation has been a whole paradigm shift for me, but the learning process is far from complete. And there's still some fear and confusion that I need to deal with.

Lastly, I need to thank M, for without him I wouldn't have realized this. It was his love and compassion and trust that led me here. I couldn't ask for a better companion to be with me for the rest of my journey.

Testing Limits

It was the tail end of the first weekend of March. We both signed a simple declaration in my Journal to commemorate that period of time. "On this day, 6th of March, 2010, M and I had too much sex", It stated. We both laughed, feeling defeated mentally and physically.

We were exhausted from lack of sleep, our bodies sore from the contortionist positions and tight spaces we got ourselves into. Our wills spent after a week of a heightened sexual awareness bordering on obsession, while letting our libidos dictate our waking moments. We didn't set out to test the limits of our desires could yield, but the moment I walked into his apartment on Friday night, we wanted each other badly and we were going to fuck each other senseless.

My motives to write this post is partly titillation, partly cautionary tale. I will admit readily, that I instigated this. But whatever I did only sparked M's imagination into those dark erotic places that I find extremely compelling. And perhaps, this is what happens when you ask the universe what you want, and subsequently get it.

It all started with us fucking in front of a camera the weekend before. Although we had filmed each other in the act of coitus before, it had been about 15 months since we had done it last. I placed a web cam on top of a tripod at the foot of my bed, connected it to my computer and went about to our marry way. Afterwords, we laid there, in post-coital bliss, watching the video. And it was good. Good as in Hot. Hot as in, I watched the video in its entirety about 3 times that weekend getting off.

M suggested that we post snippets of the video online. The thought of strangers watching his dick buried deep in my pussy intrigued him. I suggested I put it on Xtube. So on Monday, after we got into some heavy flirting online, I posted the 3 edited parts of the video on Xtube. It took about a day before it was finally viewable, but once up we got lots of views and some comments.

For the next few nights, it lead to suggestive text messages, more online flirting, and phone sex. I told him about a recurring fantasy I've been masturbating to, fucking him and another man I knew at the same time. M, in turned, spinned tales about us fucking in a viewing room at a porn store that happened to have glory-holes. On Thursday, he suggested we go to the drive-in movies on Friday and fuck in the backseat of his car. The tales of what we would do back ended up with both of us masturbating over the phone, cumming hard.

Then Friday night came along, and all hell broke lose.

Once at his apartment, I changed into my sexy little outfit: A short red skirt, white button short-sleeved shirt, white thigh-highs, white heels, and a black cardigan. No underwear, I wanted to make sure everything was accessible. I paraded my sexy outfit to get his approval.

M liked it. He gave me a passionate, long kiss, and pushing my skirt up so that he can expose my bare ass. He led me to his office chair, and told me sit down on it. He got between my legs and pushed them apart so that he can get between them. I opened my shirt so he can suckle my breasts, but he placed his tongue on my clit, licking and sucking it. Yes I was very much wet just prior to that, so with him eating me and his nubile fingers exploring my wet pussy, I easily came twice. He came up from between my legs and kissed me, tasting my essence on his tongue. "That's enough for now" he said.

We left his apartment, with me hungering for more. Trust me, I was thoroughly convinced drive-in movie theaters didn't exist anymore; but after about 30 minutes of driving, we pulled up to the ticket booth. He parked at the back of the area, making sure weren't near anyone. After finding the station to listen to, eating our burgers, and getting situated, we finally got to the back seat for some heaving petting.

His fingers found his way up my skirt and into my wet mound. I of course, took a hold of his hard cock and stroked it. I pulled his sweatpants down, just enough so that his hard cock was free of its cloth confines and I immediately wrapped my mouth around it, taking every inch of it into my mouth. I wanted to suck his hard cock so badly, that I didn't care if anyone noticed what I was doing. He moaned, as I licked, sucked, deep-throated his cock. His fingers was now deep in my pulsating pussy. I came fast twice more. When I stood up and sat on his lap, the windows were fogged in completely. Trying to devise a plan to fuck me without attracting attention was almost comical and M's fear was that I would be too loud. But somehow, he managed to place his hard cock inside me while I was sitting on his lap. We rocked back and forth, the feeling of his hard cock hitting my g-spots over and over again was amazing.

After the movie, we once again had sex. This time it was sleepy, half-awake sex, forcing our exhausted bodies to comply with our wills.

The next day, M collared me, leashed me with rope. As he pulled on the leash, he assaulted my ass, spanking me until I submitted to his will, through the pain. And just when I couldn't make through the pain, a rush of endorphins took me to heights of ecstasy. He wrapped the rope around my chest (it was still attached to my collar) restraining me. He then laid on his back as I got on top of him to fuck him. I came relentlessly as the sensation of his cock pushing inside while M pulling on the rope was too much to bare. After that session I laid there, trying to process the event. Because, I suddenly had an epiphany...I'm much more kinky than I thought I was.

We vowed to not have so many extreme sexual experiences in such a short period of time. Since then, restrained have settled back into our libidos. But I think we needed to do that. To push our relationship into a deeper level, to push my own boundaries and admit certain aspects of myself that was ready to manifest itself.

And as the next entries will attest, that weekend was the impetus of reassessing my journey.

Azeroth...and back again

There are no excuses for my brief hiatus on my blog.

God help me, I'm playing World of Warcraft again.

I have written about this aspect of my life before (elsewhere), and may elaborate again about this. But if it wasn't for World of Warcraft (WOW), I honestly wouldn't be here. It was here that my journey stared; I flirted with a man ingame, the first time I ever crossed that taboo barrier. Oh, I did the usual things that the game considered major goals, like raided and pvp in a guild, and I've met some amazing people in the process. But after I experienced the most sexual cerebral encounters within the game, I wanted more. Unfortunately, the game started to take more and more of my time, taking attention away from my husband, my friends and my life. I left the game, thinking that leaving it would solve my problems. Only later did I realized, that I wanted to pursue my sexual longings outside the confines of the computer.

I had no intention of going back to the game. Can you blame me? With my history, it would be like a reformed addict taking up crack again.

So, it was to great surprise that M announced one Saturday and said "Lets go to Gamestop and buy Wrath of Lich King". To be fair, one of the reasons why I was attracted to M to begin with was because he also played WOW, we both had Warlocks as our main characters, and we couldn't shut up about it. So no, he didn't put a gun to my head. I voluntarily paid for it, re-activated my account, and promptly transferred my characters to M's server.

My fear was that I was going to revert to my flirty ways, cyber with anything that had a pulse, and generally make a fool of myself. I've been playing for five months, and fortunately that fear never manifested itself. I've been focusing on leveling my main characters to 80 and getting ready to raid, that sex hasn't been an issue for me. The only significant sexual encounter that I've experienced, was me typing a concise description of giving him fellatio, while he masturbated on the other end. (And doubt that will be an isolated incident. I plan to take him in a secluded spot on Darnassas one day, and have my way with him.)

Oh that's not to say the temptation is gone. There are a lot more erotic role playing now more than ever in the game. In fact, as I started a baby Warlock on the alliance side, trying to ignore the overt sexual innuendo around Goldshire was a frustrating experience.

So my journey has reached a full circle. For the most part, I'm enjoying WOW again, so much so as to pre-order the next expansion. I have M who plays with me, and we enable each other. And, I'm not the same person who played this game two years ago.

That's my reasons for not writing. It's not particularly a good one. And to make it up, I do plan to write more about M and I sexual exploits (I have more material now :) )

As soon as I get my druid to 80, I promise.

Oral Sex

Finally a sex post. LOL.

What can I say, it helps to be getting some so that I can write about it. And well...I only get to see my man on the weekends.

I mentioned a few posts back how much I enjoy fellatio. Actually, "enjoy" is too mild of a term. I love giving head and sometimes crave it. I would be remiss as a lover to not pleasure him in this way.

I'm surprised that I enjoy it despite the fact the first person whom I gave head to was extremely opinionated and made such a horrible experience of it. Thank god I got passed that. I'm truly lucky that past and present lovers seems to enjoy what I have to offer.

Trying to pinpoint a single reason why I enjoy giving head so much was difficult, but in the end I love it because its so tactile. I find it so utterly fascinating that my tongue and my mouth (rather of my hands, although I do use my hands) are used to explore every fleshy inch of a man's penis. How the head of a penis invites my tongue to trace its shape, from the mushroom crown to the lip of the "cap" to the tip as I suck his pre-cum. Then slowly explore the width and length of his shaft, licking its smooth surface, kissing it, biting it as I travel south to his soft base. And it is here where I let my tongue get lost in his loose flesh, sucking at his balls, until I'm satisfied and start traveling northwards.

As much as I enjoy just licking it, I love having a hard cock in my mouth. Feeling the tip of his cock pounding the back of my throat, the roof of my jaw, as my tongue licks the underside of his shaft and the the tip, sucking it, letting his juices flow down.

And I can do this for hours, alternating from licking it outside my mouth, then forcefully taking him all in my mouth. His thrusts of his pelvis towards me, his moans of pleasure is all the encouragement I need.

Its always a challenge to see how deep I can get a cock into my mouth, but I'm not a porn star. I can't just magically swallow the full length of a man's penis in my throat. I'm a small woman, and I'm rather fond of breathing. But that doesn't stop me from trying. And when I get a cock as deep as I can get it, I like to stay there for a second, to savor his shape his taste.

Today was a good day for me. As I perform this act for M, I managed to get 2/3 of his hard cock in my mouth, and down my throat, without gagging too much. I saw M's blue eyes widen, drawing his pelvis closer to my mouth, and moaned my name - clearly he was enjoying this as much as I was.

Yes, giving head is such a huge turn on for me.

Truth to be told, I like to swallow. I find the act of swallowing his cum to be the epitome of intimacy and a source of pride for me. I give so much when I give oral, that I want his cock in my mouth to the end, if he so inclines.

It was hard to type for me because there's an air of sluttishness to that admission. But honestly, I hate facials. Actually, alot of women hate facials. Don't even get me started how some men just assume that a blow job ends with a facial.

Opps, almost spoiled this post with a bitch session.

Nevertheless, I love to give head, to take the time to explore my lover orally, to see him enjoy it.

Synergy

Its late Saturday/early Sunday. I spoke to M about 3 hours ago, and kissed him goodbye 7 hours prior to that. My body still feels is hands around me, his cock inside me. I am literally falling asleep, tempted to put the computer away; however I want to write about our last coupling, before it recedes to memory.

Yet, it was just our "normal" sex.

The thing is, is that M is unique to the other lovers I've had. It's not because he seems to be the only man who matches my stamina level, or that he can make me cum in waves and waves of mind-blowing orgasms [and please, I'm not complaining in the least]. But it took me months to figure out what was so different. Until one evening when I was on top of him, riding his cock as I felt a gush of my juices exit out of my pussy, another ripple of pleasure travels through my body. I gripped his body as my orgasm starts its descent, I yell out, "I've never had such a responsive lover."

It was so spontaneous, so concise, it was hard to tell if that revelation came from my post-coital body or my brain having a "Eureka" moment. But it was true and frankly, its the only descriptive that encapsulate him.

He fucks me as an engaged partner, observing my body for every sensation, toying with his cock inside me, and reacting to my pussy as I pull and squeeze his cock into submission. Although most of our sex play is extremely mundane on the face of it, his responsiveness transforms the normal sex into memorable sex, with me always wanting more.

Like this afternoon, I wanted him to fuck me earlier, missionary style since I usually tend to be the one on top. We both stayed in the living me room, with me laid out on the couch, my thighs spread wide, and one of my legs on his shoulder. He pounds his hard throbbing cock, repeatedly on one of my g spots, in constant rhythm, until I start feeling my pussy tightening around him. He changes the rhythm, knowing that fucking me faster at this point will make me cum hard. He knows this, he hears me scream louder, he feels my pussy pulsating until I can no longer hold on. And I lose myself, as I cum loudly, my juices drenching his cock, my pussy. We don't stop after that, he makes me cum again and again, with my legs up to my shoulder, my legs on his shoulder, changing positions. He tells me to cum for him at the precise moment when my body is about to give in. He holds me while I cum and watches me as the sensations ascent and descent, taking mental notes of what has transpired.

Sex with M inspires me to no end because I am not afraid to let go with him. And it made me realized that I only knew so little of what my body was capable of. It's not like my other lovers just laid there until they came, but for reasons known or unknown, I always felt either some resistance, or an unwillingness to share or fear. Yes, fear...in sex!

Is it any wonder why I fell for him? Why after all this time I still long for his body, still feel like there is still more to explore, then re-explore?

So much for my serious discussion about gender orientation...all it did was make me horny!

I know...I seem to write in bursts. And I haven't written about sex in awhile.

My latest "project" at work, data-entry into spreadsheets, tend to have my brain to daydream about...well, frankly, about sex. This morning was no exception. Usually my object of "desire" is M, and the many naughty things we do realized or otherwise. But I do get cerebral in my thoughts about sex. And today, I thought, "Well, could I sleep with a woman?"

Its not that I am unsure of my sexual orientation. I've described my orientation to people, often coyly, as a flaming heterosexual. In deed, I am attracted to men. To me, I love the smell of a man, how his hands touches me, the feel of his penis in and out of me. Yes, I love how penises come in different sizes and thicknesses. I love exploring the texture of them with my tongue, having it grow in my mouth as I suck them...mmm. Did I mention how much I love fellatio? Oh my god, I could do that for hours. I just love how a penis can be both hard and soft when I'm licking and sucking it.

Oh, and lets not forget how good it feels to have a hard cock inside me. Ok, I'm a bit biased because I'm having amazing sex with M, and his penis seems to fill me an all directions that if I was a better writer I'd describe in full-detail...because I so want to gloat how fucking amazing it feels.

Sorry...I got really distracted. :) Where was I? Oh right...fucking women!

Its not a conundrum, but here's the thing, I like my porn with women in it. I know that I can't be the only straight woman who like watching girl on girl action on film, but to tell you the truth, the thought of sleeping with a woman in real life yields a response close to "eh". When it appeared that I had a really good chance to sleep with a woman (um....going to college in the San Francisco area, and knowing women that did go through a lesbian phase literally in their Freshman year), my interest level never piqued past curiosity. But, ever since I gave permission to like porn for myself (ironically my sophmore year in college more or less) I've always seeked out the girl on girl action for my, ahem, carnel edification. Now, I do like straight sex porn from time to time. I like looking at blowjobs (Yes it seems to be a running theme for me :D) and hardcore fucking scenes. But I was going through Fleshbot last night, and I was totally turned on by this.

But I really haven't answered my question. Would I?

Seriously, maybe probably not. No, this is not a cop out answer. Look, if there was a situation that I met a woman whom I was attracted to, and we were both curious, and the all the planets were aligned...then maybe. I figured out a long time ago that I was not bi-sexual, and being labeled bi-curious just didn't fit. Not to mention I hate that label...who hasn't been bi-curious at some point in their life?

Blah...this post was meant to be a serious discussion about gender orientation, and why people shouldn't care about because its stupid. Damn it, makes me want to go through my porn collection if I can find that one video of......

For M

As you know, this isn't the first letter I write to you, even in a week when my life seems to have turned around for the better. The last letter still folded on itself sitting on my dresser, one that I will give you, showed my gracious side to the one who really helped me in my time of need.

No, this, I'm afraid this is a bit more visceral. Even for this blog.

So perhaps its ironic that our olfactory sense was a running theme this weekend. A visit to the mall, trying on cologne earlier today. Then when I arrived home, making a decision to write this post. I had seen you just three hours since. My normal solitude greeted me as I opened the door to my apartment. Exhausted from today's social activity, I sit on my couch, too weary to do anything else. The smell of your cologne still lingers on my couch and in the room.

I close my eyes, drawing images from my kinetic memory of our bodies intermingling from our wanton lust. Our lips our tongues hungering to taste each other despite the fact our weekly visits have not waned. Your strong hands sending shivers down my spine as your run your fingers down my side. We both hold each other as if the bottom will fall any moment. And in that instance, it does, for me the movements of our bodies ceases time and space. As we reach the crescendo of our coupling we live in the present, ignoring propriety or (possibly) annoyance of our neighbors. Only thing that matters is that your cock explore the depths of my sex to find ever increasing heights of pleasure.

We joke about how tempered we are in our activities, in both social and sexual sense. How, in our singlehood, we both prefer our quiet mundane life. But as you mentioned, we submit to our sexual needs with frequency and fervency that most people would envy. And I find myself smiling at inappropriate times of the day because a lingering memories of our time together asserts itself.

So I sit here on the couch, savoring the smell of your fading cologne, letting my mind and body wander. For I will I have to get up and make dinner, feed my cat, clean the kitchen. Before the night breezes dissipate what was left of last night.