Diaries and Journals

Journals of my past

M and I had extremely difficult prior week for the both of us, both physically and emotionally, and after we had a particular grueling night, I suggested to M that he start journaling his thoughts.

Now, I've been a diarist since I was 18.  This blog and any other writings I post is more or less an extension of my real life journaling.  As you see above, I have amassed quite a bit of written materials over the years.  Although if I was a bit more disciplined, It would be a much bigger pile.  Hard to believe, I can be just as lax on those journals as much as posts on this blog.  So the way I started journaling, was absolutely silly actually.  We were huge fans of Twin Peaks.  At the time, the producers of the show published a made up diary of the main character, a book that we were enamored with.  Later, I discovered and was influenced by the diaries/fictional works of Anais Nin.  As the novelty wore off, I justified my journaling as a way to get into writing the great American novel.  When the novel never materialized, it became what it is now, my therapist, my sounding board, and at its simplistic term, a list.

I still carry a journal around.   It has helped me deal with many things of my life, as well as develop my writing style.  As much as it has given me such comfort to be able to process my thoughts and desires in this way, I have never advocated anyone to do the same.  Until now.  I've given my share of unsolicited advice over the years, yet for some reason any suggestions regarding journaling has been strangely absent.  And I don't know why that is.

I guess for me, its always been sort of an open secret.  I mean I don't hide the fact that I keep one, nor am I shy journaling in public.  What is new for me is that I admit publicly that yes, I am a diarist, however my motivation for doing so shallow (Must distinguish myself from other posters on the Net says my ego).  

What I wasn't expecting from what this would do for me was that it has given me perspective.  For example, because I've kept those journals from my past, I do on occasion re-read them.   I have also added running commentary on some entries while clarifying others, usually on the margins, or on the next page.  I have become my own editor of my past, it would seem.  No, I don't delete anything.  I elaborate and expand what is already there.  Aside from pictures, nothing says "My...you have changed!" like past thoughts written on paper.

I suggested to M he should start journaling because his demons was threatening to push me aside again.  He was scared, hurt and very much alone.  I gave him one of my new Moleskin journals, still wrapped up in its cellophane.  He accepted it and told me that no one had ever given him anything so personal.  It was sweet for him to notice, but I figured that Moleskin was going to be used properly.  Today, we went to one of our favorite stationary stores, one that sells mostly writing implements from Japan.  And he found his tool, a red fountain pen.  As for me, I wrote in my journal tonight.  It is right next beside me, with my own personal writing tool, a Pilot Hi-Tec Colleto Lumio with 4 interchangeable ink barrels.  

I don't know what will happen to my journals in the future.  I have yet to decide if I will burn them when I die, or to give them to my niece or nephew as an inheritance.  I don't particularly care, I doubt they will ever be published.  Hell, I doubt they can even read it, my handwriting has become ever more atrocious as I age.  But, until then, I will continue to keep this practice of writing pen on bound paper.  

Journals to be

Out of Winter Hybernation and finding clarity

So after the New Years, and after our Disneyland vacation a week later, we ended up not doing very much socially, kink or otherwise, for the next few months. Instead we became home bound, hybernated state.  We also both experience short periods of...blahness?  I wouldn't call it depression, though for me depression was mixed into a feeling of malaise.   I can't say if it was because our Introverted natures needed our spaces, or that on a physiological level, our bodies needed a break.  I really can't blame the weather this time.  This winter seems to be schizophrenic, with some days looking like it should be summer.  As a matter of fact, its colder now, in early April, than it was the first of January.

This state of ours was starting to worry M, because my libido, in general, was at a very low place.  At some point, I think he was worried that it might have to do with him.  I assured him that it wasn't; however, that didn't stop him from feeling inadequate.  I knew for a fact that I was not myself.  I don't think that my work situation helped.  I had several tight deadlines during the month of February, with things just going wrong on every turn.

And, to be honest, I think I was still working out all of this poly stuff in my head. Eh, I don't know why I've been hyper-obsessed about all of this, though I think this is the one instance where learning more about a subject and reading other people's experience on polyamory did not alleviate my fear, my concerns.  In fact, I just wanted to rebel with the conventional wisdom.  Usually when I get this way, it means that I've been over analyzing all of this, and I just needed to walk away.  So, I stopped reading the forums on Fetlife and stopped reading my messages that was culminating in my OkCupid mail box.  Instead I focused on the one question that matter the most to me, What I wanted?  Well, to answer that question I looked to my past.

I kept referring back to my past lovers, specifically two of them, one in my youth, the other while I was married.  Both relationships were very different, but occupied a very special time and space for me that I would never trade in the world.  Despite its tenuous nature, I was blessed to have "loved" (perhaps not in the traditional sense) these men.

In this introspection, I came to realize was that this is what I wanted out of all of this, peak experiences with individuals, that both engaged my body and my spirit. I could be intimate with this person for two weeks or two lifetimes.  This person could be my lover, my submissive, my dominant and also a friend that would impact my life, in any way.  I don't mean to imply to say that I want to collect people for its own sake.  But if people came along in my life that was there for a reason only the universe knows, I don't want to deny them. Life is too short, love is limitless, and I become a better person with them in my life.   Look, I know who I am.  I own my shit.  I have my boundaries for a reason.  And I still love M.  He is my anchor in life and love.  Yeah, this is complicated.  Let it be, I never took the easy route before.

Okay, so lets bring this back to the here and now.  M and I have turned a corner, and our need to be social again is back.  Along with our libidos.  Yay!  I don't think we are done wrestling with this topic of Poly.  But then again I don't think this gets easier.  Maybe.  All I know is that we will be back to being our kinky selves, as soon as video game releases are out, a certain dungeon gets back inline, and life in general settles back to normal.  /shrug  Well its a start. 

The New Year, the same possibilities

HAPPY FREAKIN NEW YEAR! 

We spend the New Years at a dungeon, with people who know us and like us.  I didn't have a lick to drink, and yet I felt euphoric (although not sure if that's something to do with the energy of the place or just my general mood). No, I haven't found a new playmate or new lover.  Well...there's still nothing on the horizon, and I'm still at my dead end job...okay WHY THE HELL am I happy???

Maybe because I'm going to Disneyland in a few days?  Maybe the fact that I haven't worked a full week in about 3 weeks making me giddy? 

I deliberately don't make New Year's resolutions for sole purpose that I never keep them.  I do know that I NEED to lose some weight or I'm screwed, wardrobe wise.  SIGH...

Okay, perhaps I will make an effort to write more posts on here.  I had 9 posts up in 2011, maybe I can get that total to 10 or 11.  A simple goal, like the one I just proposed, might be something that I can achieve.  So, lets resolve to make more posts!

The universe is teaching me patience

It's almost year end, and its been three months since my last post.  Those three months might have been three years, with everything we have done since then.  There was Folsom, being more social in the community, making new friends, finding then loosing a play partner, and then opening up our relationship.

Oh yes, M and I have decided to transition our non-monogamous relationship, into a polyamorous one.  As I have written elsewhere, this decision is the inevitable conclusion to what was started earlier this year.  We also talked and wrote extensively about our feelings before and after this decision, dealt with the aftermath, and still concluded that becoming poly is the right thing to do.  We set our preliminary rules and limits, and posted profiles on OKCupid.  So far, I've been on a few dates, with nothing in the horizon for me, while M has a potential playmate.

The presence of this new woman in his life hasn't triggered horrible jealousy within me, and I'm generally excited for M.  However, I am very cautious about all of this.  The last thing I want to do is to delude myself that I am in the clear, only to have my fears and insecurities rear itself when I least expect it.  So far, my emotions have been in check.  No, its not that I haven't felt jealousy (actually its more envy than jealousy) rather, I've been able to process this rationally.

What I wasn't prepared for was the uncertainty, the ambiguity of what I wanted from all of this.  My body misses another lover to ravage me.  My heart and brain, however, wants safety, security and trust.  This is creating a rather strange dynamic within me, a hurry up and wait response, that I find extremely annoying.  I must admit I'm having a tough time telling which side is winning.  At the same time, I'm suspecting my expectations might still be high, and that I really need to step away for a moment and get some perspective.  Another issue I am encountering is that I don't know if I want another submissive, or a vanilla lover.  Hell, I complicated things even more for me by entertaining the notion of having a relationship with a top.  To make matters worst, I'm finding that not only are poly relationships drama-filled, but there seems to be "fall in love, then think about it later" attitude to poly dating that I find totally disturbing.

Sigh....

Because of all of this ambiguity, I think the universe is teaching me patience. It's not pushing me one way or the other, it wants me to be internally focused for now.  My past self would have said, "Fuck you Universe.  I want cock" and pushed my will into something I am totally not prepared to handle.  However, I'm more inclined to listen to it now than...oh...say...four years ago.  The universe was right about being patient with M.  The universe was right about waiting to heal before I was ready to make friends.  I think the universe is correct here as well.

Or Santa might give me another man for Christmas?  Hahaha probably not.

Bittersweet and anti-climatic ending

It's official.  I am legally a divorced woman.

Actually, I should have been a divorced woman a year ago, but my ex-husband's attorney is retarded and ignored his pleas for any updates.  My official dissolution date was September 2nd, but I didn't receive the paperwork until a week ago, since the paperwork was sent to my last address.

I called my ex to tell him the news.  He answered back with little emotion but I can tell he was supportive.  He wanted closure as much as I did.  We met for lunch last Monday to...celebrate? No, that's not the word.  To acknowledge, perhaps?  During lunch, he couldn't look at me, choosing to play with his food.  We made small talk, and I inquire about our friends.  I asked him if he was Ok about all of this, the divorce coming through.  He reiterated that he was fine, "It is what it is" he said.  I did tell him that I never regretted marrying him; although, I almost said "but things changed" after that.  Thank god I didn't because he looked surprised that I said that.  A good surprised.

Curiously enough, he asked me about my work, and about M, talked to me for the first time as a person, and not his wife.  Normally, he would go on and on about his work, about friend's drama, things of that nature.  But not that day.  I saw it in his eyes, it was over for him.  After almost 4 years.

I confided to M that it was a bit sad and anti-climatic, my divorce.  After all, I moved on and lived my life as a single woman since the first day of my separation.  M and I talked about how relieved and bittersweet he felt about his own divorce was, how he and his ex-wife stayed friends all of this time.  I had hoped to have something similar with my ex, but it would require extraordinary work on my part to keep it up, something I had hoped came naturally instead of some heroic measure on my part.  Perhaps?    Don't know, but I've learned not to count on anything.

Whether or not the ex and I will remain friends, one thing is for certain: it's unfortunate that of the divorces I knew of, mine was among the most amicable.  I've been subjected to my friend's divorce that dragged on for months because no one could agree on anything.  I suppose I should be lucky, neither one of us had anything of value to fight over and there were no children involved.

Still, a chapter has ended in my life, and another has begun.  I wish my ex luck happiness and luck and I hope that we can stay friends.

Complications

Some posts write themselves.  This is not one of them.

I've been playing more than writing lately.  While that's usually a good thing, my kinky parameters has expanded too quickly than what I can process at the moment.

Case in point, I have been exploring my dominate side for the past few months now.   Not only have I enjoyed this role, but unlike my submissive side where certain conditions have to be met before I get to that space, my dominance feels natural and unforced.  I find it strangely creative, and the more I do it, the more confident I feel.  At the same time, I was unprepared to deal with all the crap that came up as I learned more about this side of me.  Namely, that I had a dark side and that I have a complicated love/hate relationship with control.

I experienced top drop for the first time a day after I had my first private scene with my submissive.  It consisted of me crying in the basement because I though I was evil.  Don't know about you, but I think everyone has a dark side.  We are conditioned to sublimated it, hide it, get rid of it because it's evil and who wants to be evil.  I could blame my Catholic upbringing or unrealistic expectations put upon me while growing up of what a girl is suppose to act like, but I would be obfuscating.  Intellectually, I can see the concept of having a dark side, but to actually hold up a mirror to yourself and look at it was a frightening concept.

Dealing with my dark side was nothing compared to dealing with Control.  You see, I have another confession to make...I've been addicted to control, or rather, the illusion of it for a very long time.

Even in my submissive state, I never truly let go of it, except with M.  Since dominance is about harnessing control, it was as if I was given crack and told to smoke it. I'm keenly aware of how much I needed to be control of everything, despite the fact that this need of mine have pulled me in directions I didn't want to go, simply because I was too arrogant to admit I was wrong.  But total control is an illusion.  Erroneously, I thought in order to understand this illusion, I had to let go of control.

Going through all of the pain I went through a few years ago was part of that journey.  The other part of it was, I thought, accepting my truth.  Well, accepting that truth meant having to deal with my control issues.  I mention the pain, but if it wasn't for my ex-husband who forcefully insisted I had more control in the relationship than I was admitting (that is, before I was ready to admit that he was right), did I truly understand that I had this power over people and situations, and that I needed to take responsibility for it.  Being responsible does not mean ignoring the consequences of your actions, nor does it mean denying that I had any part of it.  And how could I let go of control, if I never honestly dealt with it.  I'm not going to say that I have a complete handle on this at the moment. I can say that OK its out in the open and I'm not going to hide it any longer.

In the meantime, I will continue to dominate/top M when he wants me to, and get a better feel of how my submissive wants my dominance to manifest with him.  I'm also not going to neglect my submissive side since something tells me I will seek it out more often now.  Just another thing for me to integrate into my life.  Let's see how good of a juggler I am.

Dating in the "Lifestyle"

The second post, or part 2 of the other post...or whatever...let's just get with this.

I have a confession to make.  I hate what we call what we do a "lifestyle".  There's this impression that by calling our kinky lives a lifestyle it is assumed that it is better than vanilla/more traditional relationships.  I could not agree with that assessment.  And frankly, I hate the whole vanilla vs kinky shit. Honestly, how we approach people is not all that different than in a vanilla situation, we just state our wants and needs upfront.

Because we tend to put our cards on the table up front and center, there's a tendency for kinky people to think that we are better communicators.  Of course, the first thing that was drilled into my head when I started down this route was that everything was negotiated before we do anything.

Let me tell you something.  Kinky people are no different than other people.  They can be as douchy, selfish bastards, that can lie to you or hide shit from you.  And no amount of talking will stop this.  When I finally proclaimed myself a switch, I can't tell you how many guys hit on me to peg them, and or dominate them, often calling me a  mistress against my will.  I had to put up a guidelines post on my profile on fetlife just so that I didn't have to deal with bullshit.

On the swinging side, I didn't have to deal with pretension too much, but it had its own pitfall.  Dating a couple meant we had to make sure if there was compatibility with all four of us.  Its hard enough to reach compatibility with just one person.  Then you had to be extremely firm that we had these rules set up as a couple.  Now we were aware that meeting like minded people to sleep with might be hard, but what we weren't prepared for how social swinging is.  At one point we had a party every weekend, with a one week break in between.  I was beginning to resent the fact that I had to be ready for sex at a moments notice.

I suppose I really shouldn't complain.  If it wasn't for a certain individual whom I rocked his world, we would never have met some awesome people.  I mean superfucking nice couples, that we could actually talk to as well as fuck.  And I got to dominate someone else besides M.  Woot.

Okay the point of all this is, dating in the lifestyle is not any more different than dating vanilla style.  I would argue that if you had strong limits in your vanilla dating style to begin with, then you will have a good foundation to base on when you try kinky stuff.   M and I are slowly learning what works for us and what doesn't.