Why I Identify myself as a Gamer

Sydanthra celebrating the Wintersday Holiday in GW2

For the past couple of weeks, I've been obsessed with computer parts, namely motherboards and graphics cards.  In my spare time, I would look read up on the latest gaming builds within my $750-$1000 budget. I've asked J his opinion about building a rig, set up wishlists in Amazon and NewEgg, and watched YouTube how to videos. I have a financial windfall, expecting more, and crunching the numbers on a spreadsheet, so Yes, I'm completely committed to do this.  Last Friday, I pulled the trigger and bought my peripherals (because I need them now), my case and power supply. The upgrade of my gaming computer has been a long time coming and is much needed. Unfortunately, it appears that my computer is dying, because sometimes, while I'm in the middle of playing Guild Wars 2 (GW2), my computer would crash, with something sounding like grinding metal coming from the interior of my computer.  

I'm excited like a teenager going to her first concert on the inside, but I'm finding myself reserving my enthusiasm when I talk about this to other people, aside from a few people whom I trust.  Why is that?

Out of everything in my life, I have this rush of pride and shame when it comes to this aspect of me. Like my sexuality, it's taking me years for me to be comfortable with being a gamer. I've always been geeky, an introvert, and had an appreciation of all things science fiction and fantasy.  So when it became hip to be nerdy/geeky, I embraced that label and sort of ran with it, fully knowing the past.  However gaming, mostly video gaming, is the core center of being a geek to me.  

I discovered it late in my life.  Oh, I knew about arcades and Atari's in my youth, but it was always something the guys did. Then I discovered Mario Brothers, Tetris, MUDDs, and found that I had a knack for this. I loved Diablo I and II, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, as well as the numerous platforms and puzzle games.  Then World of Warcraft came along and changed my life forever.  

I mentioned a little bit about my gaming life here, but let me add to that discussion. You see, I ended up spending all of my time on WoW, to the detriment of my marriage, then I lost control of my life. As much as I should be thankful for WoW being the instigator of what would become of my sexual journey, there is a part of me that has never recovered from that lost of control. I also reasoned that if I dated someone who understood how important this was to me, it would immune me to the shame and I can be part of something bigger. But as my relationship started to unravel with M, I realized that it's not enough to just have an understanding.  One of the very first inklings that my relationship with M wasn't working, was our incapability with each other's gaming style and not being able to reconcile a middle ground.

I game for myself now, with no expectation that my partners will game with me. I game for the enjoyment of it. It has become my sole form of entertainment, and I love the variations that games come in.  I love the social interaction when I need it, the immersive landscapes, and the mental workouts games give me. I also don't play WoW anymore, despite the hype of the new expansion. I don't have the time nor will to invest in it anymore. I want to be able to have other things in my life, such as engage in crafts, foster relationships, take my 3-mile walks, maybe take up dancing or a martial arts, and be part of the kink community. I play GW2 and Diablo III, but I'm not involved with a guild or clan that expects me to set aside my real life. I play Skyrim, and a bunch of independent games on my Steam account that has no a social component to it.  I just finished Episode 3 of Kentucky Route Zero. A video game that is part novel, part allegory, all done like a blues song if it was written by David Lynch. It's hauntingly beautiful. 

I am serious about my gaming, but it doesn't run my life anymore.

I also discovered Twitch. You will find millions of other gamers, playing for fun or profit (in tournaments). Twitch has allowed me to experience WoW without being in it and let me discover other games that I would never play but might, like FPS (First Person Shooters).  It allows me to be part of something bigger, and support gamers.  Now I am quite aware that I'm older than the demographics of the broadcaster/watchers on Twitch, and being a female on Twitch, and indeed gaming in general, can be daunting at times. Yes...women have to contend with the whole "fake geek" meme. It is getting better, still a long way to go. Baby steps misogynist gaming culture...baby steps.

Being a gamer will always be part of me. Even when I'm 90 and retired. I can picture it now, me and 19 of my retired friends raiding WoW, in the mid-afternoon of course. We wouldn't want to miss out on the early bird Prime Rib special starting at 4pm. I'm sure someone will come out with an interface that will directly hook up to our brains.

The Post New Year Post

A short update before I go onto other things in my life.

1) Work still sucks, but at least they recognize that I've been doing the job of 5 people instead of doing the job of 3 people which is the norm at this place.  So now they expect me to revamp a process, and make sure that everyone agrees to it.  If I was more courageous, I would have indicated that I will only comply if there's a financial incentive for it.  I didn't because of item No 2.

2) I'm actively looking for a new job.  I had an auspicious start, landing 3 interviews.  However, I came to realize why I never liked job searches to begin with.  Job interviews seems to be like vanilla dating, whereas you are spending the time playing 20 questions about what the employer is looking for, while trying  not to sound condescending or angry, with a statistical probability of nil that you will be asking the right questions.  It's alright!  I'm actually applying what I've learned to re-vamp my job search and possibly look into some educational endeavours that I could pursue in case the job search yields me nothing. 

3) Aside from my job, everything in my life is awesome!  A and J are fine.  I have wonderful set of friends and my financial austerity period has come to an end.  

2014 ended with a line drawn on the sand at work, spending Christmas with J and mom (not together), getting sick, spending New Year's Eve celebrating a hand fasting, and having Dinner and a Movie hosted by my roommate.  2015 is looking good, despite all of the work stuff.  Hey, at least I'm working on changing that.

Meet A...my thing

Cliches are in order, since the last time I wrote here...indeed, time does fly when you are having fun.  Some much needed updates are in order...although I can't remember all the things I need to update about my life, aside from the what I'm about to write.

I surreptitiously mentioned about the big change in my life.  Well let's not hint any longer...I am in a full blown relationship with someone.  Let's call him A. Please welcome him into my life.  He's been someone I've been wanting in a partner and more.  Do I call him my partner?

Technically, in kink-land, you don't. You see, he's my Submissive. Wait...submissive. We have to make the kink gods happy...you know :) Actually, if you ever saw us in public, we act more like Mistress/property, probably because I do refer to A as my thing.  Yet, we're still not sure if we are comfortable calling ourselves that in our circle, since those labels carry a fair bit of responsibilities and expectations.  We did talk about how to describe ourselves in public and decided on Dominant/submissive.  But as a friend of a friend pointed out, I couldn't muster the appropriate enthusiasm for those titles. Like everything in our relationship, all of it is a work in progress.  

Ah yes....us kinksters and those freakin labels. Perhaps, it's befitting to write about these labels again since I have to use them. We will need to perform the rite of coming out as a couple soon...aka change our statuses on Fetlife...so that our intentions are clear and noble...Or something.  And it is important that we choose our labels well. Because, you wouldn't want to change it the next day...NO ONE WILL RESPECT ME AS A DOMME!

How this came to be was rather sudden and the transition felt natural to the both of us.  He proclaimed his love to me and I reciprocated.  I asked him if I could "own" him, and he steadfastly agreed.  Our hearts became united at that moment, and there was no doubt what kind of relationship this is or will be...a D/s one.

For the past 6- 8 months, we've been talking about how this is going to look like, how much control would I exert and he is willing to take, and balancing our kink and vanilla life (He is in transition and is a father. I have other relationships). We have engaged in play, talked about our limits and testing boundaries, and had lots and lots of sex.  We've slept together...Like sleeping together...in a bed...snoring...sometimes with a cat snuggling next to him.  It became apparent rather quickly, that I fucking miss sleeping with someone.  He makes me coffee in the morning, drives me to work when he can, puts the dishes in the dishwasher, cooks for me and brings me good beer and chocolate.  Trust me, it was hard to let him do these things for me in the beginning; but at this point, it would be sad if all of that went away.

He puts his head on my lap.  I freakin love it when he does that!  It makes my heart flutter.  Squee! 

Okay, if you had told me a year ago, that I was going to be in a relationship with someone and that I was going to own him, I would have laughed.  But here I am, with A, who is my thing and my submissive, my lover and boyfriend.

A Simple Update and Never turning back

Hello again.

I want to say that my life is interrupting my blogging time.  But this time around, I'm going to blame my internet provider.  Or, it could be my writing computer. In which case, I will need to spend time trying to fix this problem before I can commence writing a few more blog posts.  I owe my, somewhat, meager audience some posts, and again, I do apologize for the sparseness here.  Unfortunately, neither my roommate or I, are tech savvy, or care to fix this problem on our spare time. Actually, I have no excuses, I'm still surrounded by geeky/nerdy men, and if need be, can ask one of them to help me fix this problem.  But none of those guys live with me and I'd rather be having quality time with them, then fix my computer. Until someone make up a "lets fix my computer" theme for a party, I'm afraid, I'm going to have to do this on my own.  Maybe I can find a decent keyboard for my Ipad, so that I can write using that, and continue publishing more posts unhindered. Wish me luck,  I have a few more options to explore.

But, perhaps just a no nonsense update is in order, since I'm here now.  The bad stuff first then the good stuff.

I wasn't going to write this in my blog, but I think it warrants a mention, especially here.  It should probably warrant it's own post, but I suppose this format will have to do.  I knew for awhile that M became engaged to someone well before he decided to move to the East Coast.  Well, his wedding was last Thursday.  How do I know this?  It was something he constantly wrote about on Facebook, like a reminder. (BTW, I'm still friended to him on FB.) I've been extremely reserved about this but for the most part, I wish them well. There is a part of me that truly want to congratulate them.  But, even if I were to write an email to him privately, I don't think he would want my well wishes. Out of everything that could trigger my emotions about this situation, it's the sadness that emanates that I can't say anything about this, even positively. So, I'm having to accept that and let it go.  

Concurrently, it appears that my single primary-ness is coming to a slow transitional closing phase.  I say "appears" because, I'm not giving up being my own primary, it won't be my focus.  Let's just say I met someone, and we are in the middle of becoming more entrenched in each other's lives that is both fulfilling and loving.  I wasn't looking to have another deep, long-term relationship, but it appears the universe felt it was time.  I want to say more, but I know that this warrants a few blog posts of its own.  I'm still poly and have my secondary relationship with J, and that will not change anytime soon.

For the most part I'm well.  Even work has finally equalized a bit for me, but then, my motivations and energy lies elsewhere, and unfortunately, have decided to just stop caring.  I know, it's not healthy in the long run, and I'd rather go to work where I'm motivated.  But, for the time being it is what it is.  

Hopefully, more posts to come, very soon.  I promise.

Vulnerability

I've been thinking about this topic for awhile, because I'm noticing the universe changing its message to me.  It's telling me it's time for me to open up my heart.  As luck would have it, a discussion topic came up on one of my female dominant/male submissive groups on Fetlife specifically on how important is vulnerability in a D/s relationship. I think the author was hoping it would spark some discussion between the two subsets of people the group catered to; however, it only generated 2 posts to the thread, both from men talking about being vulnerable at the moment of submission. I'm not saying this view is not less valid.  On the contrary, it takes enormous strength to give someone your power.  By giving deeply of yourself, you are exposing yourself to someone you hope is worthy of this. 

Vulnerability is something you go through whenever you go into any a deep relationship with someone, whether it's a kinky or vanilla.  It's the act of opening up your heart to someone.  What I want to say in this section is that a dominant opening herself to her submissive is no more different than what a submissive does for his dominant.  I am bringing myself to this relationships, which means telling my submissive about my past loves and lives, both the good and the bad, hoping that he doesn't reject me.  I'm assuming that he is also doing the same. I am opening up my heart to someone, and so is he.  And at that point we are both vulnerable and hope that we are not harmed in the process. 

Vulnerability takes away the veneer of ego and expectations.  Vulnerability strips us of our barriers and our expectations, while we bare our fears out in the open.  It makes us more compassionate, more humble, more open to new feelings and ideas, once acceptance takes hold.  Only then can we build a groundwork that will become what roots a relationship, but there are always risks. 

Case in point, both the dominant and submissive are building a foundation to which the power structures of the relationship will rest on.  Dominants strive to create an environment for a submissive to safely express his/her submission. The submissive is telling the dominant what works for him.  It's not unlike an architect and an engineer designing a tunnel.  However, creating this safe environment isn't easy, and requires some work.  But, you start using the word "work" and suddenly people think its an obligation.  

For a dominant,  I equate this to helping the submissive find his path towards the sun, to feel the light and warmth of the sun to rejuvenate and thrive.  And I am his guide.  As his dominant, I will be laying down tracks, building him shelter from the elements, and helping him dig a tunnel to his path.  This requires me to know him intimately, obtain information he may or may not be willing to give, ask him questions to where he wants to go, love him.  We can adjust the schedule to which this tunnel building can materialize, how this will look like, how deep or shallow this tunnel will be, with always the goal that he will want to be on the other end.  This tunnel may be the size of Grand Central Station and perhaps as opulent, however, the submissive may not want it.  He may be paralyzed by fear, too afraid to make that first step.  He's needs may have changed or it's not helping him.  He really wanted to sail in the sea, not take a train ride to his path to the sun.

This bitter reminder is all that remains of this relationship, and you are left wondering what you went wrong.  How did I read him so badly?  Was I building this for me and not him?  What am I to do with this? Dismantle this or find someone who can use it?  All of that work wasted and suddenly you are standing on paradise after a sub-prime mortgage collapse.  Was the risk worth it?  To fail is to lay our fragility out in the open for ridicule, and I can't think of a more vulnerable position to be in.

Sure, we can both hide our "human-ness" get this world built, and maybe get some of needs met.  Would it be real for the both of us?  I mean, I'm sure both of us don't mind building forts out of sheets, a pair of chairs and some pillows and call it a day.  Sometimes, that's something we seek from time to time.  But if we are both looking for something lasting and long-term that fort will feel lacking.  

We open up, regardless of what side of the slash you're on, and anytime we open up we risk being rejected.  But it is through vulnerability that we get to know each other.

Pondering my own mortality

I realized today that both my personal journal writing and this blog have touched on issues of growing old.  Sorry to veer off the sex/kinky path for a bit, but I can't help but think about my own mortality.  

This thinking got me started when I visited my mother during Thanksgiving weekend.  I hadn't seen her for awhile and was worried about her.  Her itinerant/independent ways have taken her from a strange journey from uprooting herself from the SF Bay Area after she retired, to Kansas, then back to California, where she is staying where my roots started.  She is among family and friends, so I need not worry.  Nevertheless, her memory isn't what it used to be and her sense of adventure have subsided quite a bit.  I look at her now and she looks like she's aged 10 years.  But she is 70 years old now.  Why did I just noticed that she is old?  

Then this past Thursday, my aunt called me to tell me my uncle died.  I was stunned, then a few hours later I cried, at work.  Yes, we were close.  He was, at one point, close to a father figure I had as a child.  So his death hit me pretty hard and I regret not visiting him when I had the chance.  As of now, I'm still awaiting news of when his funeral will be scheduled.  I've already told Mom I was attending both that and the burial.

When did I become old myself?

I've known many years ago that I stopped being "young".  Heh...I would argue that I never felt young even when I was youth.  All those things I'm suppose to do when I'm young, like sexual experimentation and having a wild life?  I did once I turned 30.  I don't feel old, but I know I'm not going to be able to party (and recover) when I was 18.  Actually, I don't want to be 18.  I like the me that is now. the over-the-hill, "bitter" woman who should be angry at my younger counterparts because their boobs are perkier.  But...I'm far from bitter, and I'm having better sex now than when my boobs defied gravity. (Not that my boobs look awful now, the guys in my life love my boobs.) 

The only thing I have for posterity is my writings, this blog and my written journals that I've written since I was 18.  I'm not so egotistical to think that they will be as interesting to read as Anais Nin's diaries, but I want to keep them until I die.  Then, I don't know, have one of my nieces read them and destroy them?  Then there's this blog.  But in the end it doesn't matter, for I will no longer exist to care of such things. 

As someone who holds Buddhist philosophical views, I don't believe in an afterlife.   I will come back to where I came from, back to earth, with my energy back to the universe.  My ego would like to think that I influenced some people, that I did some good, that my love will be remembered in fondness, that people will be sad when I go before I die.  At least I don't believe that I will live my life where I will never have regrets anymore.  Even if you live an intentional life, you will have regrets.  Because time is finite, and it  will destroy you like a Mexican God.

Intentionality

I felt the need to write this post because my life seems to be not in sync at the moment.  A financial roadblock, accompanied by some unusual hormonal activity in my body,  followed by some light seasonal affective disorder (even though it feels like spring here), has forced me to slow down and be introspective again, just when I really wanted to be social and gregarious.  Oh well.  I do know that I have friends and lovers who understand me and love me all the same, even if I'm feeling under the weather.  I'm also better at voicing what troubles me now and seeking help.  Still, this current blue period has me worrying that it will influence how I think about myself, which simply will not do!

As I was making brunch, it occurred to me that one of the things I wanted to do this year is to begin to live my life with full intentionality.  What I mean by that is to live with intent, to be positive and be proactive.  Well, to be honest, it's been what I've been doing all along, probably what has been motivating me ever since I started this blog.  I set out on this journey to live my own truths, and the first half of this blog was about finding those truths.  The past year was all about integrating my kinky and poly self into the whole of my personality and being.  Seems like the next chapter of this seems to be focused on what to do with all of this knowledge.

Well, one of the most obvious thing for me to change is my finances, which the universe has graciously allowed the space to happen, even when I wasn't ready to face it.  Thanks universe.  But, I paid off my car and I have some side gigs, so it's not all that bad.  This turn of events let me to think about my future.  Having no children nor own any property, the one thing I can do now, aside from paying off my debts, is save for retirement.  Why not!  Even if I retire (Which is doubtful), I will be living my life for another 40 years.  If you think about that, it's another lifetime.  Then I had this wonderful conversation over NYE weekend with my roommate about his idealized plans living in a semi-itinerant lifestyle by setting up a base in a commune like community in upstate New York.  It sounded delightful, although my version of it would be like a Buddhist retreat.  It made me wonder how much money would I need to live in a place like that.

On a more moderate time frame, the other thing I've been doing, and mind you this has been subconscious on my part, has been focusing on my career.  I have been reading some great non-fiction, not self-help books per se, but inspirational for me nonetheless.  I picked up Lean in before Christmas.  Despite legitimate criticisms regarding its classist overtones and how it perpetuates the corporate system, I thought it was a great book.  As someone who's career have been in various corporate settings, I found the advice to be practical and refreshing, based on sound feminist thinking.  Currently, I'm reading  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.  So far, so good. All of these books is making me consider taking public speech classes, and seriously thinking about going back to college to either get my PMP Certification or MBA.  I'm also trying to learn MS Access. Trying...it's harder than it looks.  Hey, if I can understand and master SQL databases, I can rule the (admin) world :)  Who knows...maybe I can get a new job even.

That is to say, I don't want to set aside the strides I made last year, nor ignore the relationships I've forged within the kinky/poly world.  My foundation within this community has been nothing but astonishing for me.

So here's to 2014.  Let it be known as the year of intentionality.