Vulnerability

I've been thinking about this topic for awhile, because I'm noticing the universe changing its message to me.  It's telling me it's time for me to open up my heart.  As luck would have it, a discussion topic came up on one of my female dominant/male submissive groups on Fetlife specifically on how important is vulnerability in a D/s relationship. I think the author was hoping it would spark some discussion between the two subsets of people the group catered to; however, it only generated 2 posts to the thread, both from men talking about being vulnerable at the moment of submission. I'm not saying this view is not less valid.  On the contrary, it takes enormous strength to give someone your power.  By giving deeply of yourself, you are exposing yourself to someone you hope is worthy of this. 

Vulnerability is something you go through whenever you go into any a deep relationship with someone, whether it's a kinky or vanilla.  It's the act of opening up your heart to someone.  What I want to say in this section is that a dominant opening herself to her submissive is no more different than what a submissive does for his dominant.  I am bringing myself to this relationships, which means telling my submissive about my past loves and lives, both the good and the bad, hoping that he doesn't reject me.  I'm assuming that he is also doing the same. I am opening up my heart to someone, and so is he.  And at that point we are both vulnerable and hope that we are not harmed in the process. 

Vulnerability takes away the veneer of ego and expectations.  Vulnerability strips us of our barriers and our expectations, while we bare our fears out in the open.  It makes us more compassionate, more humble, more open to new feelings and ideas, once acceptance takes hold.  Only then can we build a groundwork that will become what roots a relationship, but there are always risks. 

Case in point, both the dominant and submissive are building a foundation to which the power structures of the relationship will rest on.  Dominants strive to create an environment for a submissive to safely express his/her submission. The submissive is telling the dominant what works for him.  It's not unlike an architect and an engineer designing a tunnel.  However, creating this safe environment isn't easy, and requires some work.  But, you start using the word "work" and suddenly people think its an obligation.  

For a dominant,  I equate this to helping the submissive find his path towards the sun, to feel the light and warmth of the sun to rejuvenate and thrive.  And I am his guide.  As his dominant, I will be laying down tracks, building him shelter from the elements, and helping him dig a tunnel to his path.  This requires me to know him intimately, obtain information he may or may not be willing to give, ask him questions to where he wants to go, love him.  We can adjust the schedule to which this tunnel building can materialize, how this will look like, how deep or shallow this tunnel will be, with always the goal that he will want to be on the other end.  This tunnel may be the size of Grand Central Station and perhaps as opulent, however, the submissive may not want it.  He may be paralyzed by fear, too afraid to make that first step.  He's needs may have changed or it's not helping him.  He really wanted to sail in the sea, not take a train ride to his path to the sun.

This bitter reminder is all that remains of this relationship, and you are left wondering what you went wrong.  How did I read him so badly?  Was I building this for me and not him?  What am I to do with this? Dismantle this or find someone who can use it?  All of that work wasted and suddenly you are standing on paradise after a sub-prime mortgage collapse.  Was the risk worth it?  To fail is to lay our fragility out in the open for ridicule, and I can't think of a more vulnerable position to be in.

Sure, we can both hide our "human-ness" get this world built, and maybe get some of needs met.  Would it be real for the both of us?  I mean, I'm sure both of us don't mind building forts out of sheets, a pair of chairs and some pillows and call it a day.  Sometimes, that's something we seek from time to time.  But if we are both looking for something lasting and long-term that fort will feel lacking.  

We open up, regardless of what side of the slash you're on, and anytime we open up we risk being rejected.  But it is through vulnerability that we get to know each other.

Control vs Controlling

I wrote a little about control here but I wanted to elaborate on my thoughts about this subject.

Just to reiterate, I still maintain that total control is an illusion. I still believe that.  Control is a force of nature, like water.  You can't control water.  It flows to places where it will encounter the least resistance, forging creeks, rivers, lakes, and oceans. 

We think we are in control, because we do things and hold onto small things that make us feel like that we are masters of our universe. But that is not real control; that is being controlling. Real control and being controlling are two very different things.

Being controlling is giving away your power, and letting your flight/fight response guide you. Being controlling is reactionary, based on fear and insecurities. When we try to push people to our whims, when we try to manipulate situations to mirror our wants and desires, regardless if the players consent to this or even aware of this, this is what being controlling means.  Sometimes these efforts work.  But it's like deception, at some point it becomes burdensome and unyielding.  Then you become a slave at maintaining this illusion. 

Real control encompasses power, influence, effort and luck.  Real control is tempered by responsibility, integrity, and compassion. Real control is complicated and is an exercise in patience.

Only when I learned to let go of control did I understand real control. I needed to step back and see the big picture and that all those small details that I would obsess on were distractions. To understand control, one must know yourself, know your strength and weaknesses, question your motives, and take risks. It is the choices you make and constantly learning from them and refining them.

My dominance is made not born.

This post is a response to all the claim that his/her dominance was somehow innate.  I understand that this may be a case for some people.  As for me, It never felt like that.  If anything, I always felt that I was thrusted into this role against my volition.  I was taught I shouldn't be a strong female.  Yet, everything in life has shown me otherwise.  

What I was born with was an incurable sense of curiosity, a strong ego, an independence streak, a body that is sexually insatiable, and a quirky self-defense mechanism aka my self depreciating humor.  I was born to be a shameless hussy.  I don't deny that my personality have a big part of this.  After all, how you react to what life throws at you determines how you are going to act.

But let's not ignore life experience in the equation.  Part of my life experience was forged out of years of mistakes, broken hearts and egos, and wondering who the fuck I was. Every time I was in a relationship with a guy who chided me for not letting him control things, or when anyone told me being a strong female was unattractive and that I would always be alone, would make dents to my armor, but did not break me.  Every time things would fall to the wayside, I would pick up the pieces and move on, because shit needed to be done.  I can add all the thankless little tasks I would do for the people I love, the painful obstacles that I had to endure, the stupid decisions I made that lead me to here. Let's not forget the positive things, the impromptu solutions that turned out to be serendipitous, the discoveries I've made, and the people who've I've met and loved along the way have made meaningful contributions.  

This is what has made me what I am today, and it is what I draw my dominance from. My dominance was forged from my experiences and my personality.  Not unlike becoming a soldier.  All soldiers are made, but great soldiers are cultivated in battle, under life and death situations.  Yes, it's work, but I wouldn't have it any other way.