Azeroth...and back again

There are no excuses for my brief hiatus on my blog.

God help me, I'm playing World of Warcraft again.

I have written about this aspect of my life before (elsewhere), and may elaborate again about this. But if it wasn't for World of Warcraft (WOW), I honestly wouldn't be here. It was here that my journey stared; I flirted with a man ingame, the first time I ever crossed that taboo barrier. Oh, I did the usual things that the game considered major goals, like raided and pvp in a guild, and I've met some amazing people in the process. But after I experienced the most sexual cerebral encounters within the game, I wanted more. Unfortunately, the game started to take more and more of my time, taking attention away from my husband, my friends and my life. I left the game, thinking that leaving it would solve my problems. Only later did I realized, that I wanted to pursue my sexual longings outside the confines of the computer.

I had no intention of going back to the game. Can you blame me? With my history, it would be like a reformed addict taking up crack again.

So, it was to great surprise that M announced one Saturday and said "Lets go to Gamestop and buy Wrath of Lich King". To be fair, one of the reasons why I was attracted to M to begin with was because he also played WOW, we both had Warlocks as our main characters, and we couldn't shut up about it. So no, he didn't put a gun to my head. I voluntarily paid for it, re-activated my account, and promptly transferred my characters to M's server.

My fear was that I was going to revert to my flirty ways, cyber with anything that had a pulse, and generally make a fool of myself. I've been playing for five months, and fortunately that fear never manifested itself. I've been focusing on leveling my main characters to 80 and getting ready to raid, that sex hasn't been an issue for me. The only significant sexual encounter that I've experienced, was me typing a concise description of giving him fellatio, while he masturbated on the other end. (And doubt that will be an isolated incident. I plan to take him in a secluded spot on Darnassas one day, and have my way with him.)

Oh that's not to say the temptation is gone. There are a lot more erotic role playing now more than ever in the game. In fact, as I started a baby Warlock on the alliance side, trying to ignore the overt sexual innuendo around Goldshire was a frustrating experience.

So my journey has reached a full circle. For the most part, I'm enjoying WOW again, so much so as to pre-order the next expansion. I have M who plays with me, and we enable each other. And, I'm not the same person who played this game two years ago.

That's my reasons for not writing. It's not particularly a good one. And to make it up, I do plan to write more about M and I sexual exploits (I have more material now :) )

As soon as I get my druid to 80, I promise.

Possession

I can't decide whether to blame the non-summer weather here where I live, my hormones, or a myriad of excuses I can come up with. But I'm a bit depressed.

Lately, my insecurities have taken a hold of me, making me think that I'm not worthy of M's love and attention. That he will find out how I'm not terribly smart, or experienced. That I'm a not as interesting as I claim to be. Poor wonderful M, whose body I crave at night, whose presence sooth my restless mind, he comforts me by just thinking about him. Yet in this short paragraph, I have reduced our relationship to a superficial level just to cure my doubts. It's embarrassing to come to this irrational and egotistical action. But I'm human, and can be plagued with envy and fear.

People talk of "belonging" to each other as if that's what happens when you're in a relationship. That somehow, that this togetherness is a goal, something that you possess, like a house or a job. But the truth is, people are not objects to hold up and display for public consumption. I've always felt extremely uncomfortable when I or someone use this term, even when used jokingly.

Because I've seen this notion of "belonging" to its bitter conclusion...I've been in a relationship where that sense of belonging was a strong, steadfast rule. "I" was his, therefore he can manipulate me to whatever his wishes and desires dictated. "I" was not a woman, but a doll to bring out to friends and family, then discarded me when he didn't need me, with the stipulation that I'd be conveniently close for his perusal. Then, instilling fear into my psyche that no one else will love me, because this "belonging" is the best I'll ever have. If you think I'm talking about an abusive relationship, where the relationship itself was about power over another human being, I am.

To be clear, I am not talking about my ex-husband, although he had his own issues with possession. His own fragility manifested itself with less malice, but he always seemed to draw from that well. He was always verbalizing that I was not worthy for him. But after years of this, it seemed apparent that the only way to boost his ego was to be the underdog, to be the victim. Its hard to love someone, when you've been deigned as a goddess on a pedestal.

Yet here I am, dealing with my own green monsters.

I know that I have to deal with my insecurities...that I must deal with them alone. To conquer my insecurities is to deal with my fears and be honest with myself. To love with awareness, with kindness and an open heart. To love myself and the world, so that in turn I can love M for the man he is. I want to be with him to explore this moment of time.

Pro-Life?

What is the world coming to, that someone needs to gun down a doctor that performed late-term abortions in fucking church!!! Does the perpetrator really think that this will win the war on abortion? That because he was "killing babies", that he was fair game.

Murdering Dr. Tiller is an atrocious, cruel, a deliberate act of pure evil. And if you claim to be Pro-Life, and think this is justified, you need to hang up that moniker RIGHT NOW!

What happened to those Pro-Life advocates who not only opposed of abortions, but also opposed the death penalty, and opposed war? Or did you pro-life idiots decided that they were not "pure" enough for your ideology?

Already, I see pro-life groups condemning the act and saying that they don't encourage this behavior. But you know....fuck you! I remember in high school, and a man and his son had a sign of an aborted fetus greet us students as we stepped out of the bus, handing out fliers, and espousing your message of murder. Even at my tender age, I know that what you were doing was inappropriate. Since then, I've seen reports of bombings, harassment of medical staff, closing of clinics (that not only provided abortions but dispense family planning help), and unfortunately, killing of doctors. I have seen your groups change perceptions about abortion, from one of a medical decision between adults to a political football used to gain power. All the while, dismantling meaningful women/family services.

No...I have no sympathy for a lot of you pro-lifers. For all I see coming from you is message of hate and shame, rarely from compassion. You have planted the seeds of hatred, you bare fruit for its consequences.

Why having a warning page on my blog is stupid

As of today, I decided to take the "warning" page off my blog.

In hindsight, I only put it there to make sure that some kids parent's don't accuse me of corrupting their squire's mind. Seriously, as if anyone that young would read this. Besides there's no naked pictures on this blog to titillate anyone, unless someone has a problem with me exposing my calves.

My "sex" posts make up, what...like 10% of my blog, if that.

I made a conscious decision that this blog was about my experiences with becoming a single woman, and sex was going to be part of what I was going to write about. But my life doesn't revolve around my sex life, even though sex is the reason why I'm here. The world is a bowl of cherries, sweet with alot of pits. And I don't want to be limited to what I want to discuss here.

So there!

Oral Sex

Finally a sex post. LOL.

What can I say, it helps to be getting some so that I can write about it. And well...I only get to see my man on the weekends.

I mentioned a few posts back how much I enjoy fellatio. Actually, "enjoy" is too mild of a term. I love giving head and sometimes crave it. I would be remiss as a lover to not pleasure him in this way.

I'm surprised that I enjoy it despite the fact the first person whom I gave head to was extremely opinionated and made such a horrible experience of it. Thank god I got passed that. I'm truly lucky that past and present lovers seems to enjoy what I have to offer.

Trying to pinpoint a single reason why I enjoy giving head so much was difficult, but in the end I love it because its so tactile. I find it so utterly fascinating that my tongue and my mouth (rather of my hands, although I do use my hands) are used to explore every fleshy inch of a man's penis. How the head of a penis invites my tongue to trace its shape, from the mushroom crown to the lip of the "cap" to the tip as I suck his pre-cum. Then slowly explore the width and length of his shaft, licking its smooth surface, kissing it, biting it as I travel south to his soft base. And it is here where I let my tongue get lost in his loose flesh, sucking at his balls, until I'm satisfied and start traveling northwards.

As much as I enjoy just licking it, I love having a hard cock in my mouth. Feeling the tip of his cock pounding the back of my throat, the roof of my jaw, as my tongue licks the underside of his shaft and the the tip, sucking it, letting his juices flow down.

And I can do this for hours, alternating from licking it outside my mouth, then forcefully taking him all in my mouth. His thrusts of his pelvis towards me, his moans of pleasure is all the encouragement I need.

Its always a challenge to see how deep I can get a cock into my mouth, but I'm not a porn star. I can't just magically swallow the full length of a man's penis in my throat. I'm a small woman, and I'm rather fond of breathing. But that doesn't stop me from trying. And when I get a cock as deep as I can get it, I like to stay there for a second, to savor his shape his taste.

Today was a good day for me. As I perform this act for M, I managed to get 2/3 of his hard cock in my mouth, and down my throat, without gagging too much. I saw M's blue eyes widen, drawing his pelvis closer to my mouth, and moaned my name - clearly he was enjoying this as much as I was.

Yes, giving head is such a huge turn on for me.

Truth to be told, I like to swallow. I find the act of swallowing his cum to be the epitome of intimacy and a source of pride for me. I give so much when I give oral, that I want his cock in my mouth to the end, if he so inclines.

It was hard to type for me because there's an air of sluttishness to that admission. But honestly, I hate facials. Actually, alot of women hate facials. Don't even get me started how some men just assume that a blow job ends with a facial.

Opps, almost spoiled this post with a bitch session.

Nevertheless, I love to give head, to take the time to explore my lover orally, to see him enjoy it.

The Post for the Lazy...List one.

I'm too exhausted to write anything sexy or interesting lately. But on the same token, my RSS feeds have given me some wonderful reading material.

So, until I come up with something original, here's my faves. Yes, there will be a quiz :D.

The Post for the lazy list:

Craigslist Makes World's Oldest Profession Safer

The Gals at Jezebel have words with Linda Hirshman

and finally....

Hugo's take on Hugh Hefner, the Pope, and why some men never grow up.

Enjoy!

Things learned

I wanted to take a moment away from writing about my sexual trysts with M, because this inspired me so much.

It all started with boingboing, linking it from here , to kottke.org (Remind me to spend some time there!), until I found the original source.

There's no doubt that Point #3 is best of them all. In order to grow, you have to avoid toxic people. But recognizing toxic people takes time, takes patience, and an awareness that often leaves us questioning ourselves. Even if you are no longer in the company of toxic people, it may take years for the realization that...maybe...they were bad for you. I love how how Mr. Glaser doesn't trot out a list of character traits that describe toxic people, it is up to you to understand who they are.

But lest not forget the other points on his list, I love point 8 (Doubt is better than certainty), point 9 (his take on aging) and 5 (less is not necessary more). As a matter of fact I'm stealing his quote for me "Just enough is more".

Who knows how many times Milton Glaser's things learned has been linked today because of its placement in boingboing since this morning!

But sharing is caring folks :D