The Process of Processing

I got an email from a friend, someone whom we played with once, wanting to do a semi-public, semi-sexual, semi-switching scene with me.  My first reaction was of flattery, then my head started to panic for some reason.  The next morning I looked at the message again, parsed through all the words looking for something that wasn't there.  Since I'm experiencing a lull of activity at work, I ended up having this internal dialogue playing in my head. My new polyamorous mindset decided to pick a fight with the old guard, aka my monogamous mindset  To paraphrase, my poly side said "You have an itch to scratch and he's a friend." But my mono side said, "But does he want more from me than what I'm capable to give."  Then my rational mind stepped in and said "Shut up you two, just ask him!" At which point, I calmed a bit.  I did end up talking to him, then seeing him the following evening. I was surprised by the reaction I had towards this email, ie the hesitation the doubting of myself and motives, and the subsequent processing made me feel vulnerable and exhausted.

When I say processing I mean this, “To gain an understanding or acceptance of; come to terms with.”

Usually, I tend to do my processing internally, or in my diary, and obviously on here. I don't pay attention to the process of processing; It just happens and I go on with my life. However, I think it's save to say that I've had my share of processing everything within the past few months, and I'm a bit weary. This is also telling me that I'm still trying to heal and make sense of my grief. If the universe has its way, this will not be the end. 

Sure enough, when the day of my date came by, we ended up cuddling and me talking his ear off, instead of playing.  When I came home, I was still processing all of this, and why this was such a big deal.  All of this processing wasn't for naught...Thank god. I figured out that my reaction had something to do with my loss and unfortunately this event triggered this. 

Which brings me to a bigger point. There is this enduring negative image that polyamory is unnecessarily complicated because there is so much processing going on.  This includes actions such as the incessant analyzing of everything, the over-sharing, the over-reacting, the relationship decision making by committee. Even poly people get sick of the processing for processing sake, and bitch about it on Fetlife!  I think when a mono person tells me that Poly is too complicated, that monogamy is simpler, less confusing, easier, he/she is alluding to this.

I don't think monogamy is simpler, but there are many assumptions to monogamy that is usually not questioned. For example, that this person will be the only one you are having a relationship with at this moment, until the person  or the relationship ends.  But that's not to say that people in monogamous relationships never have to process anything.  Anyone who has ever been in a long-term monogamous relationship know things change all of the time, and whenever anything changes, there is a good deal of processing going on.   

Now I understand that dealing with grief and loss is not a linear process, and I'm sure that there will be more of this to come in the near future.  And for the most part, I do tend to like and understand the process of processing.  Then again, why can't I take people and opportunities that come to me without question everything?

Because, it's not time to do that yet. 

2012 – The Tower

I don't write year-end retrospectives but 2012 was hyped up to be the end of the world as we know (and I feel fine! /apologizes to REM).

Let's set aside my situation for the moment. Among my kinky circle of friends, there were a fair number of earth-shattering changes and endings, that I'm wondering if this year is truly exceptional. It's not just relationships. We had a presidential election, had some horrific events involving guns, natural disasters and an overall fear of impending doom, both figuratively and literally.

Just on the top of my head I know of three to four relationship break-ups. One was a dissolution of marriage, during a period of underemployment, while keeping his persona intact. The other ended abruptly without a word, just status changes to their Fetlife profile. Another ended with all the participants being dragged into the quagmire of drama, involving restraining orders, the break-up of the primary relationship, getting people outed and a plethora of hateful words aimed at everyone. This particular breakup ended in the spring, with its residual effects lasting through the summer to die quickly afterwords, only to start up again last month. I have a friend who released his slave a few weeks before me, and another friend who broke-up with his Domme a few weeks after mine.

Although I don't have any empirical data, I feel there is a general restlessness in the air, that things needed to be shaken to the core, and that the status quo needed to change. So I am dedicated 2012 to a tarot card – The Tower card in particular. As the above picture indicates, its not a happy card. It shows a mighty tower, crumbling by the effects of thunder, as a man and a woman falls on either side of it. It is the Shiva  of the major arcanas. Here is one of many interpretations of this card, one that I agree with. Quoting Brigit on her website.

The most important aspect of the Tower is that with any destruction there comes creation. Thus, the Tower card represents an awakening and is about inspiration, freedom, reality and the release from bondage. It is a truth and honesty card that comes as a bolt of lighting to you through a shocking and impactful life event. It represents a necessary experience that forces you to get out of your comfort zone and to grow beyond your present level. The sudden destruction of the Tower represents the immediacy of change, and the often disorienting effects of that change.

Like Shiva, there is a positive side to this card, not shown in the illustration. Quoting Brigit again: 

Following a Tower experience, you can rest assured that you will grow stronger, wiser and more serene as you begin to develop a completely new perspective on life that you did not even know existed. These moments in time are necessary for spiritual growth and enlightenment. Truth and honestly will bring about a positive change, even you must experience pain and anxiety throughout the process. (Link)

So perhaps the Mayans was correct, though without the Special Effects. Admit it, the impending doom of the world due to a clerical error was complete nonsense. But already, it feels that people are at least open to change. Whether this openness leads into positive change or more hiding into fear, that remains to be seen. As for me, I am internally hopeful and think that next year will be better, or at least calmer.

Interplanetary Bodies

Most of this post is  from a diary entry I wrote back in May of 2012.  I thought I'd elaborate on it since this is my blog.

Relationships is like gravity between interplanetary bodies.  Because these bodies have its own gravitational forces, they are constantly attracting and repelling each other, each influencing the other.  It doesn't matter the density of these planets, it could be Jupiter with one of its moons, a random comet grazing the atmosphere of Earth, or a pair of binary planets orbiting each other.

Sometimes this push/pull is harmonious, circling around a benevolent star that is our hearts.  Other times we get too close to each other, and we begin a perilous dance of trying to compensate because our balance is off, while still maintaining our own spinning axis.

It is this push/pull that defines us, our relationships.  It is how we deal with this that determines if we crash and burn, hurling towards the sun, or if we maintain our elliptical orbits.  Yes, even interplanetary bodies expire.  But, perhaps the traces of these planets reach a curious telescope light years away, in another galaxy.  

Beauty in Breakdown

So the entity that is M and I are no more.

I could tell you how I've been feeling for the past few months, or I can describe what has or has not transpire between the both of us, but at some point the details doesn't matter.

The short story is that poly did what it's suppose to do; expose the weaknesses, the bullshit, that patience and grace can't fix.  As much as I want to blame M, I own my shit to the demise of this relatioinship.  In the end, we grew apart, and as someone said on Fetlife a few days ago, we became incompatible at this moment.

He is in love, but not with me.  And I am alone.

Though this alone-ness feels very different.  For one thing, I've decided to ask for help, from strangers, from friends, from people I've met once.  And surprisingly, they didn't shun me or ignore me.  Then I asked the universe for guidance, and it told me to open my heart to it.  For once in my life I don't feel empty (or at least less empty), but Love and Equanimity.  Love for myself.  Love for the universe and the world.  And its telling me to forgive, to give M kindness.  After all, these past 4 years (Sorry, but I'm considering this year a wash) was not all that bad.  I like to think we've learn things about ourselves from this.

There are moments, when the floods of "should-of" and "could-of" engulfed me and despair was all I felt, as my tears fall uncontrollable and without end.  But as much as I still love and care for him, it's time to let him go.

I will end this post with one more indulgence from the universe, and it's this: To make this transition to be smooth, with loving kindness, for the both of us.

My Love for Retro, My Understanding of History and My Style

As I envision myself as a Madmen Character.  With a Martini.  And a cat.

My love for retro started long before Madmen ever aired.  I would argue that it was something my mother instilled in me.  It was in her style, her perfumes, her collection of shapewear.  It was in the music she would play for us.  Instead of bluesy rock or singer/songwriter pop songs that was popular in the early 70's, she was listening to Frank Sinatra, and Nat King Cole.  She had books from the 50's and 60's.  It always looked so much prettier than the fashions of the time.

Officially, I didn't really get serious about retro fashions until I started working as an underpaid social servant in my late 20s.  If I wanted anything stylish on my meager salary, I had to buy it at the thrift store.  Retro fashions fit my curvaceous figure and my diminutive height better than anything that was contemporary, and at the time, there was plenty of it.  Later, I started to make a little bit more money, and my trained eye was able to find contemporary fashions with retro details such as cuts, shapes and tailored silhouettes.  

As I started looking for a style to call my own in the kink world, I ended up coming back to my love of retro fashions, partly to stand out from all the leather, but I also wanted to highlight where my dominance came from, from my femininity, from my sexual energy.  So, I'm once again starting to collect retro-inspired pieces, even so much as getting a bullet bra for my birthday.

And yet, this got me thinking about what this said about me as a person.  I wondered if I was conveying a message that I was a luddite of sorts.  On the contrary, I'm very aware that I am dressing up as a woman in a very interesting time in history that will never be duplicated, nor should it.  The 1950's was a time of great prosperity for this country, as well as having huge cultural changes at the time.  The urban sprawl started during this time period and don't forget the baby boom.  I am also aware of how tumultuous it was if you were a person of color, or a woman, or both.  Let's face it, the strict gender roles of the times didn't make it easy for men either.  Don't forget McCarthyism, the atomic bomb, the red scare.  And if you think I'm exaggerating, the 60's was a direct results of the 50's.  I realize that this isn't a very comprehensive history, but I am aware enough of the social/political flavor of the times to realize that I'm fucking happy to be born in the 70's.

I am a feminist.  I am a dominant.  I can be very independent and have had to forge my own path when I need to.  I also love pretty clothing that accentuates my figure and highlights my femininity.  A dress with a full skirt doesn't detract the fact that I am a strong woman. 

Besides, I love how people do a double take at a dungeon dressed like this, when they realize that I'm the dominant.  I also love dressing up so "girlish" while I have M on a St. Andrews cross as I flog his ass and tell him how much of a manwhore he is.  Now my dominance isn't tied  to what I'm wearing.  I do have a few corsets, domme boots, and other elements to make me look like a femdom on porn and I can look imposing with it on.  Then again, I've topped guys naked.  

I really don't care if what I'm wearing makes me less of a dominant or submissive or switch or whatever.  But I do have a style, and I like it and look good in it.

Reflections

In the course of about a month, my world decided to have its own tectonic changes, erupting my calm surface.  Literally, a few days of my birthday, M announced that he was starting a relationship with someone that I was vaguely aware of. Because of the nature of this, namely the long distance and the fact that he is currently educating her regarding kink and poly, our rules of engagement had to be a bit more flexible.  This presented an opportunity for me to experience what M had been going through for the past several months, the feeling of jealousy, envy and insecurity.

As M pointed out, these feelings came to fruition at the start of this relationship.  But to be fair, I think if his metamour was closer, I would be feeling these things as they come along.  I wrote about some of my processing here. (To summarize, about how M was better at compersion than I am, and how it was weird of me to be in the position of being jealous.)  It took me a few weeks to fully process this, until one day, something snapped in me and realized that It's going to be OK, that M still loves me.  That is not to say that I don't feel insecure from time to time.  It's just that my insecurity isn't so focused now, taking up space in my head (as people in 12-step programs would say).  

The one thing that seems to have not gone away is the self-reflection, the hard questions of what I want from poly, from kink.  You see, I never did mention about another relationship I had that sort of percolated for a few months, that was extremely intense for me, but that fizzled into nothing.  I decided to end it before it began, or he decided it wasn't meant pursuing long ago, but thought that sex with me would be nice so he kept me around until I got impatient?  I'm not sure.  Suffice it to say, it is no more.

I am currently without my own metamours, and the universe has seen it fit to remind me that it is not time to have another relationship outside of my primary relationship with M.  

So that is the state of my life at the moment.  It hasn't been all bad.  It would seem that the universe has seen it fit to bring me friends who may be able to help me be a better dominant.  We shall see.  In the meantime, I am continuing to evaluate what is meaningful to me, and what isn't.  

Trusting the universe

I make many references to trusting the universe here, and other writings, both private and public. I suppose I should explain what that means to me.

I came about this term back in my 20's when I was formalizing my own spiritual path. Back then, I was using it to conceptualize a higher power that was different from the son, the father, and the holy ghost. A more pagan deity that encompassed the earth, the sun, and what was in the sky. I later became enamored with Buddhism, and the universe became this amorphous acknowledge non-entity. The term really became part of my lexicon when I separated from my ex-husband. During this time, I needed to face my fears of being alone, of not knowing what will happen to me.

For me trusting the universe doesn't mean waiting for a deity to rescue me, praise me if I do the right things, or being enlightened. What trusting the universe means to me is understanding that I cannot control everything, and that things will go on without me whether or not I make a decisions.

Why was this so important for me? Well, for starters, I'm a control freak. My old self would have exerted my energy to changing something I am not privy to change. Conversely, I would also change something that should be left to its own devices.

The operative word with this term is trusting. I need to let people be who they are. I need to acknowledge that I can't change certain things. I have to let events unfold to its own rhythm and timing. And that requires a huge amount of trust.

Like planets orbiting the sun and each other, I have to accept that people will influence me with or without warning, and that I will have influence people around me. But this also means being aware of what is going on, taking responsibilities for my actions, and stepping into a situation when the timing is correct.

This trust in the universe has rewarded me, as much has it has broken me. So far it's been a good guideline for me to follow.