Conversations with the Ex-Husband

One of the first things I did when I moved into my new place was call my ex-husband.  I think I was asking him about open studios and we ended up talking about M and our own relationship.

He now has a girlfriend who he loves and gives love in return.  He does report that she has a hard time when he talks about me in front of her, despite the fact that there is nothing between us romantically.  But he likes the fact that she does get jealous, something he considers is a sign that she cares for him.  Now, neither of us will not end our friendship;  however, I'm not going to go over to his place to hang out with him as pals. 

It is odd to be writing about the person that was the impetus of this blog;  The person I was estranged with and dealing with a loss of our marriage.  I don't think I need to tell you how easy this process has been for me, all you need is to read my past entries.  I can't speak for him, he went through some similar processing, discovering himself and what he wanted from his life.  But I can tell you, with a definite degree of certainty, that I consider him my best friend, and perhaps my love of my life.  I am glad to report that Time does heal, for the both of us, to the point that I can still have  poignant conversations with him.  Interestingly enough, my conversations haven't deviated much from when we were married.  We had lovely conversations about lots of stuff back then. 

Let's go back a year or two for some background.  He called for me for, oh I'm not sure now...to meet him for lunch?  It was something rather mundane.  At the end of that conversation, he stated he found my OKCupid profile.  He asked if this was something I had up before I meet M.  I told him, "It's something like that."  What didn't happen was a conversation about me being Poly and kinky.  I doubled checked my profile, and yup..the first sentence in that first paragraph, it stated that I was Poly and Kinky.  I was a bit disappointed that he didn't mention it, but let it go.

A couple of weeks after I broke up with M, I talked to D again; this time, I casually come out to him as Poly and Kinky.  He said he knew, after reading my OKCupid profile.  In an emotional exchange through text I told him, out of the everyone I knew, it was really important for me to come out to him.  Because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be the person I am today.  It is this start that gave me the courage to seek out the potentiality of what I can be.  It is this gift he gave me, and one that I will always be grateful.

42

Ah yes...the meaning of life.  I don't know why this number has always been special for me.  Maybe because I fell in love with Douglas Adams at such an impressionable age.  I ravished his books, which helped me form my outlook in life, and develop my sense of dry humor.  He also inspired me to write.  Ok, it has taken me years to get to that point, but for some reason he made me realize that being quirky and weird is a beautiful thing in the world.

It is also my birthday, and I am the same age as the meaning of life.  If I was prone to finding signs where there are none, I would say that this is an auspicious year.  The realist in me knows that I can not rest on such precarious laurels.

Yet, despite my work life, life itself is wonderful.  I am loving my home life.  I have a great roommate and have a home that is peaceful, with no drama.  My love life could be better, but honestly I am truly happy being on my own, without being beholden to anyone else.  I am not without love however. I am blessed with an abundance of love given to me by my friends and lovers.

Because of this, I want to tell people how happy I am to be turning 42.  Yet, even at work, there is an unspoken rule that we should never ask anyone's age.  Especially around your birthdays, lest you offend someone.  It's sad really.  I want to tell people how old I am.  So I can show off my geeky side and make my tribute to my favorite writer Douglas Adams.  I want to tell everyone the story of 42, and why its not about asking about THE question, its about asking about the RIGHT question.  I want to revel in my maturity, the wisdom I have gain, and dammit...show off how wonderful and sexy 42 can be, shall be!

My plans for my birthday?  Get my hair done, get a mani-pedi, get my eyebrows done.  Perhaps get a massage?  Not sure.  Treat myself to dinner, and drinks...perhaps at Flora.  Eat cake!!!  Then make time in the middle of that to do my timesheet....because I forgot to do my fucking timesheet!  Fuck you work!

But let's not end this positive post with work; because god knows I've spent an ungodly amount of time dealing with stupidity at work in the last few weeks.  Seriously, if anyone needs a high level admin person who has become a wizard with spreadsheets and scheduling, let me know :D

Where was I?  Oh right...42.  So here's to grabbing my towel, hitching a ride, and discovering the universe on my terms, with my eyes open, and laughing at the absurdity of life and love.

The "New Life"

The search for a place turned out to be a complete and utter nightmare, as I began and ended in my search in the middle of another housing boom, which resulted in 20 people for every place I looked at.  It didn't help that I was searching during the start of the summer, one of the busiest times to move.  At a week to spare, I ended up landing a roommate situation, that suited the both of us.  He works during the evenings, while I have my 9 to 5 job.  

I'm week one of settling into my new place.  Mostly everything is in it's place.  I need to take the boxes out of the apartment, take and grab some items to my storage place, and eventually get a new bed.  I'm just happy that I have internet access :)

It is easy to say that my new life started as soon as I left that lovely house in the hills, with the flowing wisteria in the front yard.  However, my life changed as soon as I broke up with M.  As I found myself in my new room last Thursday evening, the finality of that separation didn't manifest itself until I moved myself and my cat into my new place.  Traumatized by the ride to his new home in a carrier, the cat scurried around trying to find a place to hide, until he settled into the covers of my bed.  Meanwhile, as I was trying to soothe him, tears streamed out of my eyes, down on my face, and didn't stop until I decided to have a drink from one of the bottles of alcohol that M foisted on me.  

Before I left the old place, I gave M a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and wished him good luck.  I don't know what the future holds between the both of us, but my instincts was telling me that this will be the last time I will see him.  I texted him during my crying episode that I will miss him and to keep in touch.  I meant every word I wrote.

So here I am, settling and beginning another chapter of my life.  Those annoying quotes in my title is to cue the reader of the use of the word "Life" as sort of used in irony, like in Alanis Morissette definition of irony.  Essentially, we only have one life. Many themes, many chapters, but only one life.  We might as live it as a special entity, never to happen again, which is true, I believe.  As this blog started on one journey, I am now on a different trajectory than M's, onto a different story, one written by me, for me for a change.

Despite the sadness, the confusion I experienced throughout this separation, it is a marked different one than the last, even at this early stage.  I'm not in a hurry to have another primary boyfriend, even though there are stirrings inside me to go out and be seen again as sexy dominant woman.  The first thing I've done is read a book I bought a few years ago that hadn't been read yet.  The next book I will read after this one will be a series of books I meant to read a few years ago as well.  Tomorrow I'm going to the city to see a play, on my own.  The next few weeks I plan to reconnect with friends.  But dating?  Not sure.  Oh, I'm still seeing JN, and I'll see if my play partner wants to continue with me.  Even the flirtation is still ongoing at work.  But nothing feels urgent or pressing. That isn't to say that I don't feel raw and emotional.  I am anticipating that the emotions will come in fits and bursts, and I let it flow through me.

That's the first paragraph of my new chapter of my life.  We shall see what the rest of my story will unfold.

State of Current Events - Finding a Home Edition

The days of the calender recede closer to the end of May when I have to leave this house.  I will miss this place despite what has transpired between M and I.  In a way, I will miss how much space it gave me, the flowers in the front yard, its potentiality and promises.  M had started packing months before I, and I am constantly reminded that this will end, by the boxes that has invaded our home.   Then again his journey begins with a drive across country and mine will begin from square one.  I am very anxious because I still need to find a place to call home;  however, I've never felt so full of hope.  For the first time of my life I am looking forward to living my life on my own.

Not that I am not living my life.  That is the misnomer.   Even in transition you are constantly living your life.  The universe doesn't stop for you just because you're not ready.

At this moment of time I've put my kinky pursuits on hold.  I had to put on hold a friend turned kinky playmate, because my attentions have been busy at work and trying to get myself settled.  Thankfully, my libido passed a test a couple of months ago; That I am not ruled by it like I was a few years ago.  That there is not this immediate need for me to fulfill it.  Although I was (and still am) turning heads and attracting a certain person at work, my libido isn't my entire focus of my life right now.  Ironically enough, it's my creativity, my writing, my music.  I like to think that once I get settled I can focus on more carnal matters.  But I doubt it.   The small goals I want to accomplish in the very near future is to finish a story, see if I can write an article and write a series of blog posts regarding observations of monogamy.

That is not to say that I am entirely alone.  In fact, I am enmeshed in my secondary's family.  For the sake of simplicity, and moving forward, I will call him JN.  He is more than my secondary, he is more than the Dominant I am dating, he has been support in all of this and I can't thank him enough.  It was through him that I am experiencing how Poly is just more than having more than one sex partner, it is having a network of support, a family, that love you.  Then there is my extended kinky friends who has given me the space to work out my shit, then welcome me with open arms whenever they've see me again.  I've been more expansive than I've ever been and the thought of doing this alone is unfathomable.  

I am also playing this game with someone.  It's just a game because we can't pursue each other, not without a lot of resistance.  It's game of how my sexual energy intertwines with his, who's energy will prevail, who will make the first move.   Despite my better judgment, I am a full participant of this game.  Because I'm curious, it's hot and I want to see if this leads someplace.  The universe is telling me to be patient on this one, don't force it, enjoy the ride even if nothing else happens.  And that is what I intend to do :)

LOL, when I started this blog, all I wanted to do was hide, not disturb what was, and leave with as little notice as possible.  Now...bah...I don't care.  I need to be surrounded by people.  I want to tell my story.  I want sing the blues (but not in a sad way).  And despite needing to find the time to find a new home, all I want to do is be surrounded by people who love me, and the songs and stories that inspire me.

So I will be taking this blog on a slight detour.  I want to write seriously about Monogamy vs Polyamory.  Not that one is better than the other, but more like observations I've noticed since I've become poly, and how things from one relationship model brings light on issues on the other, and vice versa.  Besides, this is me trying my hand at "serious" topics not necessarily tied to something to my life.  Okay, that's a lie.  Essentially I am a diarist, and my writing will always be tied to me in one form or another.   

That's it for now.  Wish me luck.

   

Identity

I decided to change my role on Fetlife awhile ago from switch to Domme, because...well that's where my energies have rested lately.  Although the switch moniker has served me well in the past, I found that now that I'm single, I'm hesitant to show the other side of me.  One of the main men I'm dating is a Dominant.  Even he will concede that his attraction to me laid in the fact that my dominant energy and his are complimentary.  His very masculine/paternal dominance brings out my own feminine/maternal dominance that meshes so well that even his wife can't help but be affected by it. 

I'm even noticing this change in me by how people at normal vanilla settings are treating me.  I'm becoming more confident, willing to take on more authority, and creating expectations of people, usually to my own detriment.  That is, I really shouldn't taking on responsibilities without being compensated for it.  But that is another topic for another post.

But this obvious line in the sand did come with me questioning why I'm making a definite stand on my kinky identity, and why now.  Afterall, I'm still exploring this side of myself, and it's not like my masochist/sexual bottomy side has left me.  I still believe in not limiting myself to the labels I give myself.  Yet, everything told me that it was time to make this call.

As for the timing? I don't know, other than I am having to be my own support and advocate.  I guess I need to be both with my dominance in the forefront.

I've avoided making such a clear distinction regarding my identity in the past because of the mixed messages growing up.  On one hand, it was drilled in my head since I was born that I was to be respectful...nay proudful that my ethnicity is Filipino.  I was to conform to the expectations of what it meant to be THE first born female born into an immigrant family whose parents became newly naturalized citizens.  Nah...no pressure there!  On the other hand, being part of a handful of non-white kids in a school full of white kids made me realize that I shouldn't rock the boat.  That I needed to be rather exceptional, or to be insignificant thus blend into the walls.  In my case, it was the latter.

So even as an adult, I'm still feeling this tug of war of needing to label myself, because we all need to describe ourselves, yet feel limiting by those labels because dammit, I'm a special snowflake!  Look, I hate to rest my identity laurels on what I do for a living, much less my Asian-ness.  I even put less stock identifying on my kinky/poly orientation.  It's clearly obviously to me that I am many things.  I am a biological, cis-gendered, mostly hetero, female with geeky and creative tendencies. 

Whatever I'll try to call myself, that's not going to stop people from putting me into a pre-labeled box.  It's not going to stop men from trying to ask me if I would like to be their mistress or have unwarrantable expectations placed on my shoulders because I'm a Dominant since we all know we are suppose to be ego maniacal control freaks.  LOL...no wonder I hardly play in public anymore.

Let's just decide to self-identify as Benevolent Dictator...Shall we :-)

The Process of Processing

I got an email from a friend, someone whom we played with once, wanting to do a semi-public, semi-sexual, semi-switching scene with me.  My first reaction was of flattery, then my head started to panic for some reason.  The next morning I looked at the message again, parsed through all the words looking for something that wasn't there.  Since I'm experiencing a lull of activity at work, I ended up having this internal dialogue playing in my head. My new polyamorous mindset decided to pick a fight with the old guard, aka my monogamous mindset  To paraphrase, my poly side said "You have an itch to scratch and he's a friend." But my mono side said, "But does he want more from me than what I'm capable to give."  Then my rational mind stepped in and said "Shut up you two, just ask him!" At which point, I calmed a bit.  I did end up talking to him, then seeing him the following evening. I was surprised by the reaction I had towards this email, ie the hesitation the doubting of myself and motives, and the subsequent processing made me feel vulnerable and exhausted.

When I say processing I mean this, “To gain an understanding or acceptance of; come to terms with.”

Usually, I tend to do my processing internally, or in my diary, and obviously on here. I don't pay attention to the process of processing; It just happens and I go on with my life. However, I think it's save to say that I've had my share of processing everything within the past few months, and I'm a bit weary. This is also telling me that I'm still trying to heal and make sense of my grief. If the universe has its way, this will not be the end. 

Sure enough, when the day of my date came by, we ended up cuddling and me talking his ear off, instead of playing.  When I came home, I was still processing all of this, and why this was such a big deal.  All of this processing wasn't for naught...Thank god. I figured out that my reaction had something to do with my loss and unfortunately this event triggered this. 

Which brings me to a bigger point. There is this enduring negative image that polyamory is unnecessarily complicated because there is so much processing going on.  This includes actions such as the incessant analyzing of everything, the over-sharing, the over-reacting, the relationship decision making by committee. Even poly people get sick of the processing for processing sake, and bitch about it on Fetlife!  I think when a mono person tells me that Poly is too complicated, that monogamy is simpler, less confusing, easier, he/she is alluding to this.

I don't think monogamy is simpler, but there are many assumptions to monogamy that is usually not questioned. For example, that this person will be the only one you are having a relationship with at this moment, until the person  or the relationship ends.  But that's not to say that people in monogamous relationships never have to process anything.  Anyone who has ever been in a long-term monogamous relationship know things change all of the time, and whenever anything changes, there is a good deal of processing going on.   

Now I understand that dealing with grief and loss is not a linear process, and I'm sure that there will be more of this to come in the near future.  And for the most part, I do tend to like and understand the process of processing.  Then again, why can't I take people and opportunities that come to me without question everything?

Because, it's not time to do that yet. 

2012 – The Tower

I don't write year-end retrospectives but 2012 was hyped up to be the end of the world as we know (and I feel fine! /apologizes to REM).

Let's set aside my situation for the moment. Among my kinky circle of friends, there were a fair number of earth-shattering changes and endings, that I'm wondering if this year is truly exceptional. It's not just relationships. We had a presidential election, had some horrific events involving guns, natural disasters and an overall fear of impending doom, both figuratively and literally.

Just on the top of my head I know of three to four relationship break-ups. One was a dissolution of marriage, during a period of underemployment, while keeping his persona intact. The other ended abruptly without a word, just status changes to their Fetlife profile. Another ended with all the participants being dragged into the quagmire of drama, involving restraining orders, the break-up of the primary relationship, getting people outed and a plethora of hateful words aimed at everyone. This particular breakup ended in the spring, with its residual effects lasting through the summer to die quickly afterwords, only to start up again last month. I have a friend who released his slave a few weeks before me, and another friend who broke-up with his Domme a few weeks after mine.

Although I don't have any empirical data, I feel there is a general restlessness in the air, that things needed to be shaken to the core, and that the status quo needed to change. So I am dedicated 2012 to a tarot card – The Tower card in particular. As the above picture indicates, its not a happy card. It shows a mighty tower, crumbling by the effects of thunder, as a man and a woman falls on either side of it. It is the Shiva  of the major arcanas. Here is one of many interpretations of this card, one that I agree with. Quoting Brigit on her website.

The most important aspect of the Tower is that with any destruction there comes creation. Thus, the Tower card represents an awakening and is about inspiration, freedom, reality and the release from bondage. It is a truth and honesty card that comes as a bolt of lighting to you through a shocking and impactful life event. It represents a necessary experience that forces you to get out of your comfort zone and to grow beyond your present level. The sudden destruction of the Tower represents the immediacy of change, and the often disorienting effects of that change.

Like Shiva, there is a positive side to this card, not shown in the illustration. Quoting Brigit again: 

Following a Tower experience, you can rest assured that you will grow stronger, wiser and more serene as you begin to develop a completely new perspective on life that you did not even know existed. These moments in time are necessary for spiritual growth and enlightenment. Truth and honestly will bring about a positive change, even you must experience pain and anxiety throughout the process. (Link)

So perhaps the Mayans was correct, though without the Special Effects. Admit it, the impending doom of the world due to a clerical error was complete nonsense. But already, it feels that people are at least open to change. Whether this openness leads into positive change or more hiding into fear, that remains to be seen. As for me, I am internally hopeful and think that next year will be better, or at least calmer.