Incomplete Circle

In my past life I used to post naked pictures of myself on the interwebs...anonymously of course. I would flirt with men mostly online, at first through World of Warcraft, then through the comments of my naked pictures. Some did make it offline, although most of the men I did flirt with became friends of mine and/or were doing it in the name of fun. I have admitted, on this blog and elsewhere, that I am a highly sexual person and that I consider my sexuality a big part of my life.

Now that I'm in a relationship I no longer feel the need to post those pictures, nor flirt with anonymous men online. One would argue that since I'm getting all that and more in my relationship, I no longer need to seek it. But I do bust out with the camera when I am in the mood. And I, along with alot of men and women, do want to "get off" and seek instant gratification (i.e. PORN) online. Lately, my exhibitionist tendency has waned.

Yet, I'm still grapling with the "why" I did what I did.

When I was going through couples therapy with my ex-husband, there were a few theories flying around to explain my "behavior". One of which was that since we couldn't concieve a baby, I was seeking ways to "reclaim" my womanhood. The other? That I was in an abusive relationship years ago, where he took advantage of me being so sexually curious and young, and that I hadn't dealt with those issues. I'm not saying that therapy itself was bullshit, but honestly, all of this just made me feel like it was all me and that I was seriously "fucked up". Never mind, that maybe my ex-husband wasn't satisfying me sexually or that we didn't necessarily share similar goals for our marriage.

Nonetheless, it still rattles me that I'm constantly having to justify, even to myself, that being a highly sexual person is OK. That its not deviant or strange to want these things, to have it in my relationship. And even as I write this (and what limited my audience is to my blog) I'm having to say that "see I'm not always an exhibitionist" just to normalize who I am.

Is it too much to ask to want these things? Just be happy with my own skin? Does the feeling to justify your life ever go away?

Is the Universe telling me something...again?

Okay, its horrible having a cubicle next to the one person with the ample supply of Dove chocolates. And normally, I'm not one to take any sentiments seriously, specially wrapped in delicious milk chocolate (with caramel...yum!). But, when a tempting chocolaty morsel interrupts your mundane routine, I guess I should look up and head its advice.

BTW, if you can't read it, it states "Do what feels right". If you must insist individual Dove chocolate morsel :)

Oh...Let me update you on some things.

Heh...I write a post announcing that I decided to quit my job, write nothing about it for months, then leave you hanging because all I seem to do is write about my sex life or my emotional breakdowns.

After I wrote that post, I hung around my previous job for another month. Originally, the plan was to get a job while I was employed. Perhaps it was the stress of going through interviews while wrapping up some organizational projects, but I had a string of rejections despite getting some serious leads. In the end, I left that job in mid May, without any prospects nor a huge savings.

For a month, I was unemployed, getting appointments for interviews, and even took a two-week temp job just to get by. But in the end I received two job offers, both very compelling and enticing environments. I choose a position that was closer to home, and closer to my career goals.

Four weeks into my new job and already I feel like I belong. Everyone knows me, and I couldn't be happier with the fit in terms of environment and position.

I'm not making as much as I used to, but I can pay my bills, rent, and eat.

So I wanted to thank everyone who helped me along the way...M, my references, and some great recruiters who believed in me even though I found this job on my own.

Timing

We are taught to take things by command, to seize the day, to live every moment, as if we had control of every facet of our lives. But the harsh reality is that whenever we are dealing with other people, control is an illusory fantasy found in self-help books.

As is the case of dealing with major life events.

No. I'm just going to speak in generalities. Suffice it to say that, just because you've moved forward, trying to make a life from the pieces shattered from hurt and anger, doesn't necessarily mean that the other person is moving at the same rate. My expectations was never high, but I never thought that at seven months of carving out my own life, I would feel a sense of loss on a regular basis.

I only live one day at a time now. And even with a precarious peace I'm experiencing right now, I know that things will change with or without me exerting any energy to dictate the course.

Although I wonder, did I deliberately became unemployed (thus putting my survival in jeopardy) just so that I can delay dissolving my marriage? I didn't think so at the time. My former employer did comment that with life changes such as a this, you tend to change everything else in your life.

Regardless, its time for me to start the end. I have no excuses...and he is now ready.

For M

As you know, this isn't the first letter I write to you, even in a week when my life seems to have turned around for the better. The last letter still folded on itself sitting on my dresser, one that I will give you, showed my gracious side to the one who really helped me in my time of need.

No, this, I'm afraid this is a bit more visceral. Even for this blog.

So perhaps its ironic that our olfactory sense was a running theme this weekend. A visit to the mall, trying on cologne earlier today. Then when I arrived home, making a decision to write this post. I had seen you just three hours since. My normal solitude greeted me as I opened the door to my apartment. Exhausted from today's social activity, I sit on my couch, too weary to do anything else. The smell of your cologne still lingers on my couch and in the room.

I close my eyes, drawing images from my kinetic memory of our bodies intermingling from our wanton lust. Our lips our tongues hungering to taste each other despite the fact our weekly visits have not waned. Your strong hands sending shivers down my spine as your run your fingers down my side. We both hold each other as if the bottom will fall any moment. And in that instance, it does, for me the movements of our bodies ceases time and space. As we reach the crescendo of our coupling we live in the present, ignoring propriety or (possibly) annoyance of our neighbors. Only thing that matters is that your cock explore the depths of my sex to find ever increasing heights of pleasure.

We joke about how tempered we are in our activities, in both social and sexual sense. How, in our singlehood, we both prefer our quiet mundane life. But as you mentioned, we submit to our sexual needs with frequency and fervency that most people would envy. And I find myself smiling at inappropriate times of the day because a lingering memories of our time together asserts itself.

So I sit here on the couch, savoring the smell of your fading cologne, letting my mind and body wander. For I will I have to get up and make dinner, feed my cat, clean the kitchen. Before the night breezes dissipate what was left of last night.

Love

I've been wanting to write something other than the progress of my new life but somehow I was in the middle of living it and thus any opportunity to write about it passes without so much as a hint nor hide. But I've been thinking about this topic for awhile now, namely because it refuses to go away. The topic is, of course, on Love. Far be it for me to add any type of insight to this, especially since I'm not particularly an objective observer. But this is the internet, hasn't stopped anyone with a keyboard to espouse anything for lack of information or obvious bias.

I thought I knew what Love was, even when I was leading two separate lives about two years ago. At the moment, its been harder for me to pin down what Love means to me. I guess I can try to describe Love...and for me it's something akin to a black hole. Its a force of nature, expansive in both mass and scope. This expansion is what I think people feel when they refer to "being in love". It fills you...like you can do anything yet make you insignificant at the same time. It is both inside you and outside you, a force that you are compelled towards regardless if you are ready to deal with it or not, looking for love or hiding behind a hard exterior trying to avoid it. However, like most black holes, that expansiveness becomes unsustainable, contracting under its own weight and force, leaving nothing but your own vulnerability.

And after a few months into my single-hood, I had to concede...Love became a casualty like anything tied to my old life and that I was having no part of it in my new life. Oh so I thought.

At first I was extremely hesitant to even face this emotion. Frankly, I had been here before, to feel that expansiveness intimately, only to be betrayed by my own heart. This betrayal has only left me doubtful and distrustful of my own emotions...still am. But I could no more control my feelings as I could control the barriers that presented itself in my old life. So once again I'm having to redefine Love...dismantle my prior history and try to assign new meaning to it.

However incomplete this is my own take on Love and it is thus; You can no more control when you fall in and out of love. You can't convince the other person to love you with the same intensity you put into it. But Love can not be denied. So, given that nature, my compromise is this...to not stop those feelings nor change the situation to what you think it should be. Rather, to love with awareness...to accept the moment even if its not reciprocated. To not think of the timing or where it will lead, but to let it be.

I know, its a cop-out and for the astute it sounds more like "love the one your with". This is where I'm coming from...there are too many people who've never experienced Love, in all its incarnation...and I've been blessed to have been loved deeply. Even though I am no longer with the man whom I thought was the Love of my life, I don't ever regret the time I spent with him. I was expecting this type of Love to come into my life once. But when you are given another chance, should I shun it because I am at my most vulnerable? I don't know. I suppose any self-respecting person will tell me I should let it go.

No matter how fleeting this round of love is for me, or how based on reality it is...I have to accept it regardless of the consequences. It may crush me, or morph into something deeper. I prefer that I was given a crack at it, and have known the object of my affection, fill the void of loneliness if only for a brief time, than not experience it.

Changes

As you can see, I've changed the layout and the look of the blog.

I've also decided to make changes to my own life, I've gave my resignation to my current job. And although, that yes, the economy is horrible and finding a job has been nothing but an exercise in frustration, I couldn't stay.

So, wish me well. Hope that I can be gainfully employed soon.