The Process of Processing

I got an email from a friend, someone whom we played with once, wanting to do a semi-public, semi-sexual, semi-switching scene with me.  My first reaction was of flattery, then my head started to panic for some reason.  The next morning I looked at the message again, parsed through all the words looking for something that wasn't there.  Since I'm experiencing a lull of activity at work, I ended up having this internal dialogue playing in my head. My new polyamorous mindset decided to pick a fight with the old guard, aka my monogamous mindset  To paraphrase, my poly side said "You have an itch to scratch and he's a friend." But my mono side said, "But does he want more from me than what I'm capable to give."  Then my rational mind stepped in and said "Shut up you two, just ask him!" At which point, I calmed a bit.  I did end up talking to him, then seeing him the following evening. I was surprised by the reaction I had towards this email, ie the hesitation the doubting of myself and motives, and the subsequent processing made me feel vulnerable and exhausted.

When I say processing I mean this, “To gain an understanding or acceptance of; come to terms with.”

Usually, I tend to do my processing internally, or in my diary, and obviously on here. I don't pay attention to the process of processing; It just happens and I go on with my life. However, I think it's save to say that I've had my share of processing everything within the past few months, and I'm a bit weary. This is also telling me that I'm still trying to heal and make sense of my grief. If the universe has its way, this will not be the end. 

Sure enough, when the day of my date came by, we ended up cuddling and me talking his ear off, instead of playing.  When I came home, I was still processing all of this, and why this was such a big deal.  All of this processing wasn't for naught...Thank god. I figured out that my reaction had something to do with my loss and unfortunately this event triggered this. 

Which brings me to a bigger point. There is this enduring negative image that polyamory is unnecessarily complicated because there is so much processing going on.  This includes actions such as the incessant analyzing of everything, the over-sharing, the over-reacting, the relationship decision making by committee. Even poly people get sick of the processing for processing sake, and bitch about it on Fetlife!  I think when a mono person tells me that Poly is too complicated, that monogamy is simpler, less confusing, easier, he/she is alluding to this.

I don't think monogamy is simpler, but there are many assumptions to monogamy that is usually not questioned. For example, that this person will be the only one you are having a relationship with at this moment, until the person  or the relationship ends.  But that's not to say that people in monogamous relationships never have to process anything.  Anyone who has ever been in a long-term monogamous relationship know things change all of the time, and whenever anything changes, there is a good deal of processing going on.   

Now I understand that dealing with grief and loss is not a linear process, and I'm sure that there will be more of this to come in the near future.  And for the most part, I do tend to like and understand the process of processing.  Then again, why can't I take people and opportunities that come to me without question everything?

Because, it's not time to do that yet.