Obvious Update

I'm just going to write this here, It's been a while and I'm sorry.  

My absence has more to do with my feelings about writing in general than anything else in my life, although another reason is also that 2017 sucked for me psychologically.  In my journal writings, diary posts have trickled to just a cursory once a month post with content that I have experienced in the past, just as a record-keeping exercise rather than an analysis of my time in that moment and even that is subjected to my waning memory and my loyalty to put something in writing.  During this self-exiled period between blog posts, I've experienced this period of contraction, where I withdraw from the world a bit, and questioned everything.  Like, what the fuck am I doing with my life?  Why do I find myself in this situation?  How did the world change so quickly and embrace fascism?  

Along the way, I finally faced loneliness head long, realized that I'm not that great as a friend, and that I still had so much baggage still lingering from my relationship with M and the vestiges of my hetero-normative past.  I also learned: how to put on make-up; learned how to read Lenormand system of divination, as well as made some headway into understanding of Tarot; truly embraced the tenants of Buddhism as part of my personal philosophy in life; tried to learn the guitar; lost myself and danced to strangers at Trance/EDM concerts; and understood that being alone is not a prison the most people make it out to be.

It's taking me a couple of years to be comfortable in a number of things, and the universe has granted me the energy and the inclination to be expansive again.  The irony is not lost in me. The world continues to burn itself, metaphorically and figuratively in real time, and here I am, with thoughts of love and  lust and bright beginnings.  And it's time to write again.

India Part 1 - Wedding Invites and Meeting Family

See...I took this picture of the Taj Majal!

It's been about two weeks since I've been back from my travels to India. Suffice it to say, it was an once-in-a-lifetime experience for me that I will never forget. Actually I can't forget because I have pictures, outfits and a bunch of bangles to prove that I was there.

Now I started writing this post a day ago, but realized that one post will not encompass what I wanted to convey about this trip. So I’ve decided to make this a serial. There is so much I want to convey aside from describing places, people, and events, I want to talk about travel in general and other insights.  

This all started with an invite to a wedding. A's boss and founder of the start-up he works for decided to get married in India (He's Indian). A has known about this since the summer of last year but as far as he was concerned, his boss would be away from work. Or so he thought. His boss, let's call him P, specifically requested that A attend the wedding. A wasn't sure if he could go, but hell...how do you say no to going to India? At first he thought he'd go alone. Then he asked me if I'd accompany him. Apparently I couldn't say no to India either, after some deliberation I said yes. While I was trying to make up my mind, his son also agreed to go to India.

This set into motion various events that was not completely related to travel, because I hadn't been formally introduced to his kids at this point. I’m still a mystery to his daughter. His ex-wife just recently discovered my existence because of a silly, somewhat childish circumstance that required A to reveal to her that he was dating and that he was dating me for some time. He had meant to have a meaningful talk to her about it, but the timing was never right. And for the record, the circumstance that prompted all of this wasn’t truly horrible or even eye-opening, just something that looked like a scene from a bad tv sitcom from the 70's.

Anyway, so I had to meet his son, see if we all go along before A was comfortable taking the both of us. We met for dinner over bowls of Pho and rice plates as we discussed our plan to see if this was doable. By the end of the evening, we all agreed that this could all work.

We only had about a month and a half to prep for this trip, during the holiday season. Any enthusiasm I had for the Christmas and New Year holiday was tempered by the need to get my passport renewed, to get my immunization shots in order and researching the shit out of what to expect when traveling to India.

While most of it was helpful, the research made me quite fearful of the trip. Don't drink the water. Don't give money to beggars, it's a crime syndicate. India will overwhelm you and steal your money and your dignity. There were heeded warnings for woman traveling to India alone. Unfortunately, it basically said that men will stare at you in a not friendly way, so try not to stand out too much, lest men will think you’re a whore. As you can imagine, I wasn't sure how to take this all in, but it was making me anxious. So much so, that by the time I boarded the plane at SFO, I felt physically sick.  It didn’t help that hours before we literally boarded that plane, A met my mother and I met his ex-wife in person. 

Maybe the 20-ish hours on the plane did something to my brain, because all that anxiety disappeared, replaced by a sudden familiarity once when we landed at New Delhi. A commented that it didn't feel like he was in India, until we stepped out of the airport terminal and became inundated with airport pick-up traffic. It was crowded, noisy, full of people, the air was humid and thick with pollution. To me it felt like I've experience this before. Because it felt just like when I traveled to the Philippines, some years ago. Now I know that India isn't anything like the Philippines, yet throughout the trip I couldn't help but compare the two countries. But somehow, just that past experience made me more at ease being in India than any of the travel research I did in the states.

Our adventure was just beginning...

From Urbanite to Road Warrior

It's been about 5 months since I've moved and I was anticipating hating the change.  

I lived in an urban, often "hoodish" neighborhoods in Oakland, for the past 10 years, with the exception of when I was living with M where we lived in a  house situated in a quiet suburban neighborhood surrounded by freeways.  In all my time in Oakland, I was a public transit commuter, via BART or bus, usually accompanied by a walk and work was never more than 20-30 minutes away from home. When I moved to my first apartment since my separation, I was blessed with amenities close by on foot.  Eventually, my walking radius expanded to half a mile, then 2 miles, and it became part of my weekend routine. After moving from that house in the suburbs, I ended up in an apartment a block from a BART station. There my walking world expanded to 3 to 6 miles, eventually adding walking to work as part of my routine.  I prided on how I knew those neighborhoods so intimately.

So I was a bit surprised that my transition to living in a commute town wasn't more tumultuous.  Oh for 2 weeks, I was commuting from here to Oakland for work, and that commute entailed driving on I-80, which can be brutal.  But my current commute to Walnut Creek feels as routine as those 6 mile walks I would do twice a week at my last place.  I've added more miles to my car in the last 5 months, than in the last 7 years.  In Oakland I dreaded driving around town, unless I absolutely needed to; Now I'm completely depended on my car just to get groceries.  I drive everywhere, though I do walk downtown for the farmer's market on Saturdays on occasion.  I've even explored places beyond my home, and loved it.  I've come to appreciated the beauty of my daily commute, passing refineries, marshes, bridges, green hills and waterways.

Gone is the constant reminder that there are people around me, and that there are people always angling for parking.  The white noise of cars on freeways or trains breaking into the station or buses beeping is also absent.  Missing are conversations being yelled at across the street, and the constant boom from the base coming from crap audio systems.  Correction, good audio systems but muffled through their heavily modified frames of a car.  I hear crickets.  I hear my next door neighbors, or children playing on the streets.  There are dogs barking outside.  Actually there were dogs in the urban setting; I guess that never changes.  I sometimes hear gun shots, but it's like a lingering aftertaste here, not in your face reminder that I live in a scary neighborhood.  I guess the most egregious thing I have to deal with is cars using the hill I live on as a ramp to speed up to 80mph.  

I posit that the Central Valley girl in me, the one I thought I replaced with the hip urbanite sophisticated woman, never left me.  Because this town reminds me of my hometown, except it's by the water, and it's as suburban as it gets here in the Bay Area.  Initially, I was a bit afraid to let go of that urbanite persona.  But I had to let it go, this is not Oakland.

Don't get me wrong.  I miss Oakland.  I  miss living closer to my friends who live in SF and I miss living so close to A.  I miss the action sometimes, the hustle and bustle, the grittiness, the fuck you attitude that came with being San Francisco's pot smoking craft beer drinking flunky cousin.  

I don't miss how Oakland is changing into a haven for rich hipsters who can't afford Silicon Valley and San Francisco.  Nor do I miss what is becoming a bland representation of the Oakland I once knew.  Maybe that's what I'm missing, the Oakland that is still in my head, the one I fell in love with, the one with all the interesting people in it, who are now gone or struggling to hang on.

My Dark Well and a New Home

For the past 6 months, my life has been a whirlwind of uprooting and significant changes.  It started with lack of communication, expectations lost, and me spiraling into a mini-depression, until life pulled me out of my funk...in order to find another home.  I've experienced a break-up, hard-truths, and a plenty of uncertainty and transition since I wrote here.

Yet, I'm finding that writing, even in my private journals, wasn't my salvation this time around, and that I just needed to go through whatever emotion was present at the time.  It's strange, I wonder if I was trying to hold my pain at bay when I went through my last transition, and decided to put on a brave face.  This time around, I think whatever bravado I had to push through my pain, was not there for me, letting myself be paralyze with my fears and doubts.  

I've always had these periods of depression, most not so bad as others.  During college, I found myself in this dark well that I couldn't get out of, and had a fleeting moment of suicide.  Thankfully, health care as a student is easy to come by, and I seek help on my own. Most of my writings on here came from that dark place that I sometimes occupy and I've managed to avoid therapy by writing in journals and these posts. This time around, I couldn't hide in my words.  

As much as living my own truths have helped me in so many ways, there are some things that even my ego can't avoid. So I found myself in a vulnerable position to deal with my shortcomings. By the end of May, I broke up with my secondary, the munch I helped organized disintegrate because of my lack of commitment, and I found myself in that deep well looking up again, this time needing to be there.  I ended up questioning about Poly, about power, about friendships and about myself.  At the time it felt like I couldn't find the light, but I functioned enough to go to work, sleep, eat, and have a relationship with my thing.  By the end of June, I was feeling myself and I managed to crawl out of that dark well.

Thank the universe for the timing...because as soon as I can enjoy my life again, I found out that the landlord decided to sell the apartment building and that we had to vacate by September 1st.  So I spent my birthday finding a place.  Find a place I did....but it's not in Oakland, where I've lived for almost 15 years.  I could go on and on about the why, but essentially I became a victim of the Bay Area Rental madness and I ended up living up north.  I commuted to and from Oakland for work for 2 1/2 weeks in the hellish I-80 rush hour traffic, until my office relocated to Walnut Creek.  I moved residences by the beginning of August; my office moved at the end of August.  BTW...I'm way done with the moving thing! 

I can write now.  I'm settled for the most part and finished up some tasks to make my home a  home.  I love where I live, it's very quiet and nice.  I do find myself missing Oakland, the Oakland I used to know anyway. I've also become road warrior queen, putting in more miles in my car since I've bought it 8 years ago.   The drive to and from Walnut Creek isn't as bad as to and from Oakland, but  I'm still trying to adjust my schedule around it.  Despite that, I've found that you don't escape your thoughts while driving the freeways alone.  I've already written a few things on my journal, and talked at length with friends.  I'm considering using my cell phones as a recorder to capture my thoughts.

That's what's going on.  I'm looking forward to my new life here and I plan more esoteric posts soon.

Why I Identify myself as a Gamer

Sydanthra celebrating the Wintersday Holiday in GW2

For the past couple of weeks, I've been obsessed with computer parts, namely motherboards and graphics cards.  In my spare time, I would look read up on the latest gaming builds within my $750-$1000 budget. I've asked J his opinion about building a rig, set up wishlists in Amazon and NewEgg, and watched YouTube how to videos. I have a financial windfall, expecting more, and crunching the numbers on a spreadsheet, so Yes, I'm completely committed to do this.  Last Friday, I pulled the trigger and bought my peripherals (because I need them now), my case and power supply. The upgrade of my gaming computer has been a long time coming and is much needed. Unfortunately, it appears that my computer is dying, because sometimes, while I'm in the middle of playing Guild Wars 2 (GW2), my computer would crash, with something sounding like grinding metal coming from the interior of my computer.  

I'm excited like a teenager going to her first concert on the inside, but I'm finding myself reserving my enthusiasm when I talk about this to other people, aside from a few people whom I trust.  Why is that?

Out of everything in my life, I have this rush of pride and shame when it comes to this aspect of me. Like my sexuality, it's taking me years for me to be comfortable with being a gamer. I've always been geeky, an introvert, and had an appreciation of all things science fiction and fantasy.  So when it became hip to be nerdy/geeky, I embraced that label and sort of ran with it, fully knowing the past.  However gaming, mostly video gaming, is the core center of being a geek to me.  

I discovered it late in my life.  Oh, I knew about arcades and Atari's in my youth, but it was always something the guys did. Then I discovered Mario Brothers, Tetris, MUDDs, and found that I had a knack for this. I loved Diablo I and II, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, as well as the numerous platforms and puzzle games.  Then World of Warcraft came along and changed my life forever.  

I mentioned a little bit about my gaming life here, but let me add to that discussion. You see, I ended up spending all of my time on WoW, to the detriment of my marriage, then I lost control of my life. As much as I should be thankful for WoW being the instigator of what would become of my sexual journey, there is a part of me that has never recovered from that lost of control. I also reasoned that if I dated someone who understood how important this was to me, it would immune me to the shame and I can be part of something bigger. But as my relationship started to unravel with M, I realized that it's not enough to just have an understanding.  One of the very first inklings that my relationship with M wasn't working, was our incapability with each other's gaming style and not being able to reconcile a middle ground.

I game for myself now, with no expectation that my partners will game with me. I game for the enjoyment of it. It has become my sole form of entertainment, and I love the variations that games come in.  I love the social interaction when I need it, the immersive landscapes, and the mental workouts games give me. I also don't play WoW anymore, despite the hype of the new expansion. I don't have the time nor will to invest in it anymore. I want to be able to have other things in my life, such as engage in crafts, foster relationships, take my 3-mile walks, maybe take up dancing or a martial arts, and be part of the kink community. I play GW2 and Diablo III, but I'm not involved with a guild or clan that expects me to set aside my real life. I play Skyrim, and a bunch of independent games on my Steam account that has no a social component to it.  I just finished Episode 3 of Kentucky Route Zero. A video game that is part novel, part allegory, all done like a blues song if it was written by David Lynch. It's hauntingly beautiful. 

I am serious about my gaming, but it doesn't run my life anymore.

I also discovered Twitch. You will find millions of other gamers, playing for fun or profit (in tournaments). Twitch has allowed me to experience WoW without being in it and let me discover other games that I would never play but might, like FPS (First Person Shooters).  It allows me to be part of something bigger, and support gamers.  Now I am quite aware that I'm older than the demographics of the broadcaster/watchers on Twitch, and being a female on Twitch, and indeed gaming in general, can be daunting at times. Yes...women have to contend with the whole "fake geek" meme. It is getting better, still a long way to go. Baby steps misogynist gaming culture...baby steps.

Being a gamer will always be part of me. Even when I'm 90 and retired. I can picture it now, me and 19 of my retired friends raiding WoW, in the mid-afternoon of course. We wouldn't want to miss out on the early bird Prime Rib special starting at 4pm. I'm sure someone will come out with an interface that will directly hook up to our brains.

The Post New Year Post

A short update before I go onto other things in my life.

1) Work still sucks, but at least they recognize that I've been doing the job of 5 people instead of doing the job of 3 people which is the norm at this place.  So now they expect me to revamp a process, and make sure that everyone agrees to it.  If I was more courageous, I would have indicated that I will only comply if there's a financial incentive for it.  I didn't because of item No 2.

2) I'm actively looking for a new job.  I had an auspicious start, landing 3 interviews.  However, I came to realize why I never liked job searches to begin with.  Job interviews seems to be like vanilla dating, whereas you are spending the time playing 20 questions about what the employer is looking for, while trying  not to sound condescending or angry, with a statistical probability of nil that you will be asking the right questions.  It's alright!  I'm actually applying what I've learned to re-vamp my job search and possibly look into some educational endeavours that I could pursue in case the job search yields me nothing. 

3) Aside from my job, everything in my life is awesome!  A and J are fine.  I have wonderful set of friends and my financial austerity period has come to an end.  

2014 ended with a line drawn on the sand at work, spending Christmas with J and mom (not together), getting sick, spending New Year's Eve celebrating a hand fasting, and having Dinner and a Movie hosted by my roommate.  2015 is looking good, despite all of the work stuff.  Hey, at least I'm working on changing that.

Meet A...my thing

Cliches are in order, since the last time I wrote here...indeed, time does fly when you are having fun.  Some much needed updates are in order...although I can't remember all the things I need to update about my life, aside from the what I'm about to write.

I surreptitiously mentioned about the big change in my life.  Well let's not hint any longer...I am in a full blown relationship with someone.  Let's call him A. Please welcome him into my life.  He's been someone I've been wanting in a partner and more.  Do I call him my partner?

Technically, in kink-land, you don't. You see, he's my Submissive. Wait...submissive. We have to make the kink gods happy...you know :) Actually, if you ever saw us in public, we act more like Mistress/property, probably because I do refer to A as my thing.  Yet, we're still not sure if we are comfortable calling ourselves that in our circle, since those labels carry a fair bit of responsibilities and expectations.  We did talk about how to describe ourselves in public and decided on Dominant/submissive.  But as a friend of a friend pointed out, I couldn't muster the appropriate enthusiasm for those titles. Like everything in our relationship, all of it is a work in progress.  

Ah yes....us kinksters and those freakin labels. Perhaps, it's befitting to write about these labels again since I have to use them. We will need to perform the rite of coming out as a couple soon...aka change our statuses on Fetlife...so that our intentions are clear and noble...Or something.  And it is important that we choose our labels well. Because, you wouldn't want to change it the next day...NO ONE WILL RESPECT ME AS A DOMME!

How this came to be was rather sudden and the transition felt natural to the both of us.  He proclaimed his love to me and I reciprocated.  I asked him if I could "own" him, and he steadfastly agreed.  Our hearts became united at that moment, and there was no doubt what kind of relationship this is or will be...a D/s one.

For the past 6- 8 months, we've been talking about how this is going to look like, how much control would I exert and he is willing to take, and balancing our kink and vanilla life (He is in transition and is a father. I have other relationships). We have engaged in play, talked about our limits and testing boundaries, and had lots and lots of sex.  We've slept together...Like sleeping together...in a bed...snoring...sometimes with a cat snuggling next to him.  It became apparent rather quickly, that I fucking miss sleeping with someone.  He makes me coffee in the morning, drives me to work when he can, puts the dishes in the dishwasher, cooks for me and brings me good beer and chocolate.  Trust me, it was hard to let him do these things for me in the beginning; but at this point, it would be sad if all of that went away.

He puts his head on my lap.  I freakin love it when he does that!  It makes my heart flutter.  Squee! 

Okay, if you had told me a year ago, that I was going to be in a relationship with someone and that I was going to own him, I would have laughed.  But here I am, with A, who is my thing and my submissive, my lover and boyfriend.